This is not your typical season of The Bachelor. Nick Viall isn’t your typical bachelor. He’s just like you, America. He mumbles. He can’t make eye contact. He rests his head on his hands. What a goof. In fact, Nick is so surprised that he’s the Bachelor that he sits around, practicing saying the words “I’m the Bachelor” alone in dark rooms. Maybe he was doing that while he was growing out his beard (which his face desperately needed) and doing a whole bunch of sit-ups.
On that note: FINALLY, A CUT BACHELOR. Why did this show make me suffer through doughy-ass Oatmeal and corn-fed Chris? If every woman on this show has to look like a size double-zero prairie nymph, I want some damn abs.
Nick tells us he’s learned a thing or two (or three) about a broken heart. His biggest fear this season is that he’s going to end up on one knee, proposing to someone who will reject him. Uh … bro? There are literally 30 women willing to sleep in close quarters with a bunch of other women and their false eyelashes for you. You’re walking out of here with a date. Can we stop with the faux humility and aw-shucks pessimism of these dudes? You’re a white man with a beard on TV in 2017. You’re gonna be fine. Someone will bang you.
Before he heads to the mansion, Nick visits his family to go through some old family photos and we get a peek of a photo that reveals he took a woman of color to the prom. I’m taking this blurry ‘90s photo as hope for the unprecedented this season. Let someone brown be a contender. Next, he lets one of his preteen siblings give him advice like, “Don’t mumble,” and “Let out your thoughts.” Next, he goes to Westeros to meet with the Small Council: Oatmeal, Chris Soules, and Sean Lowe. Why is Chris there? He’s single and aging poorly. Sean and Chris remind Nick how many times he’s tried to find love and failed and just how unlikable he is to America’s Bachelor-watching populace. Oatmeal warns him of the Targaryen girl across the Narrow Sea.
It’s time to meet the eager groupie — er, I mean, ladytestants. First up is an amazing angel sent down from heaven, Rachel from Dallas. She’s age-appropriate for Nick and a lawyer. She’s too good for him or anyone else on this Earth. I love her and I want to get brunch with her. She later tells Nick she specializes in civil-defense litigation and you can see him doing the math trying to figure out what that means. Then there’s Danielle L., who owns a chain of nail salons. She fine. Reeeeal fine. Et puis, voici Vanessa. Elle viens du Canada et elle parles trois langues: anglais, français, et italien. Elle est une prof des enfants à besoins éducatifs spécifiques. She’s so Nick’s type, it’s ridiculous.
There’s the weirdos, Josephine and Alexis. Josephine spends her time talking to her cat and seals. Alexis is obsessed with dolphins in a Jersey Shore kind of way. They both have curated quirky-weird affectations to hide the fact that they’re 23 and 24, more than TEN YEARS younger than Nick. Why are we doing this, ABC? There are also a few ladies who talk about how lonely they are. What is happening? Between all the talking to animals and loneliness, is this a sad-girl season? If so, I’m into it. Nick is a Sad Boy. The type of guy who texts his crush Drake lyrics at 2 a.m. He loves his own feelings. Jon Snow is his favorite Game of Thrones character. His first screen name had “xX” in it. Sad. Boy. Into it. Drink every time he says he’s “vulnerable.”
We also meet Raven, who says the only thing to do in her hometown is read the Bible and FAITHY FAMILY FOOTBALL. Hoxie, Arkansas, is Real ‘Murica and I’m terrified. Taylor got her masters from Johns Hopkins, so she’s too good for Nick. Then there’s Elizabeth, a.k.a. “Liz,” who banged Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and supposedly just showed up on this season. They’re not even trying with casting anymore, are they?
It’s time for ladytestants to meet Nick. The limos roll up and they’re all SCREAMING about how cute he is and all these bitches have watched the show. Hahahahahahaha. Nick can’t stop checking out Danielle L.’s titties and he is right. They’re amazing. Rachel looks amazing despite the fact that everyone wore red. Taylor is a mess and tells Nick that her friends thought he was an asshole. Angela is a Kaitlyn clone, right down to the aggressive lip gloss. Olivia gives him an Eskimo kiss. Jasmine G. brought NEIL LANE to show Nick what kind of engagement rings she likes. This is a stone-cold stunner after my own heart.
Only half the women have poured out of the limo and I’m already exhausted. I can’t tell half of these spunky brunettes apart! When Vanessa arrives, Nick says, “That’s a keeper,” as she walks away. Okay, girl. Neonatal intensive care nurse Danielle M. brings him maple syrup and feeds him with her hands. Into. It. Lacey arrives on a camel for a tired “hump” pun and all the ladytestants watch her slide her crotch directly on Nick as he helps her down from the camel. There are several entrances that are based on Nick being a “very sexual man.” Everyone is DTF, but sad boys aren’t DTF. They’re DTSLIYEWPYM: Down to Stare Longingly Into Your Eyes While Performing Yoni Massage.
Then Alexis shows up … in a SHARK COSTUME. And PUMPS. She slurs, “I dolphin-ately want to see you inside” and wears the shark costume all night. She keeps insisting that it’s a dolphin costume. So this drunk either (1) Doesn’t know what a dolphin looks like while claiming to be obsessed with them, or (2) Couldn’t find a dolphin costume and won’t admit defeat. This glorious bitch is a mess. She also wades around the pool making dolphin noises.
Corinne is the first ladytestant to kiss Nick and she interrupts Vanessa and Nick staring into each other’s eyes to do so. Everyone was watching outside and immediately starts freaking out. The furor intensifies when Host Chris drops the first impression rose on the table. Jasmine G. tries to steal Nick away from someone, but he refuses to be stolen. You done goofed girl. Nick finally sits down with Liz and tells her that he does remember who she is because they boned at a wedding and he doesn’t have aggressive face blindness. He reminds her that he tried to give her his number, but she refused because if they were supposed to meet again, their paths would cross. How did they rope this woman into appearing on the show? If you say something like that to someone who is trying to give you their number, you aren’t interested. What’s happening here? I’m offended at this woman’s appearance on my television. And MAN does this dude have a TYPE.
It’s time for Nick to give the first impression rose to someone. He walks over to the couch where Vanessa and Rachel are sitting. They’re the two top contenders for the first impression rose and he picks … RACHEL! Yes! Yes! I’m viewing this as a victory! He’s into the age-appropriate, educated woman of color. There is hope for America! They share a pretty cute smooch and Rachel gushes that maybe Nick is the one for her. I’m so excited for her and I refuse to be let down.
It’s time for the rose ceremony and all the ladytestants file into the Decision Chamber for the first time. Nick stands before the ladytestants, weighing all the responsibility of being THE BACHELOR. He picks Vanessa, Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Corinne (who keeps fluffing her hair), Elizabeth, Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina (who stops weeping to collect her rose), Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine and her book wiener, Lacey, Taylor, that Shark-ass Bitch, Hailey (who nearly runs over the other ladytestants to get her rose), Whitney (WHO?), Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, and LIZ. Corinne stares at Nick and thinks about what other sexual favors she’ll have to perform to get other roses. Liz thinks about how banging Nick is her little secret.
That’s not a fun secret.