Am I the only one getting the impression that Nick is the kind of man who lives for his own embarrassment? A bit of a glutton for punishment? The two group dates in this episode are bizarre. They make me think that Nick is the type of person who needs something very specific to feel satisfied. You know what I mean. Why would anyone trot out the worst parts of their romantic history and giggle about it? Because he needs it to get off. He’s probably got a binder clip snapped onto his balls under his tight, artfully distressed jeans while Josephine slapped him. Maybe that explains Liz’s wry smile when she talks about their night together at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She knows Nick had to dress up like a cheerleader while she screamed at him in Portuguese. But let’s get to this episode of sexual weirdness.
The ladytestants are up and making mimosas in their Nasty Gal rompers while they all gush about how attractive Nick is. Host Chris shows up to remind them that there will be two group dates this week and a one-on-one date, but not everyone is going to get time with Nick. Corinne and Liz’s lizard brains activate and try to figure out a way to make everything about themselves. The first group date is Corinne, Haley, that shark-ass bitch, Sarah, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, and Elizabeth. We’re still in that part of the season where these women all blend together and I don’t think I’ve seen a few of them speak on camera. I can only be asked to tell up to so many white women apart — especially when so many of them look alike because of Nick’s insistence on dating tall brunettes.
The ladytestants all pile in their Buicks and drive into the horizon. They arrive at a big beautiful house and Nick shows up. He’s relieved that they’re all giving him a chance. Nick, the faux-modesty is not cute. You filmed a montage about your abs. Again, someone is gonna bite.
Nick says that group dates are always weird and he wasn’t the best at them. To ease the tension, he’s come up with the weirdest possible group date: wedding photos! They’re not working with noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, but I’m sure this guy is good too. He unveils a rack of tacky-ass wedding dresses. Some of the ladytestants will be dressed as brides and pose with Nick as their groom, while other ladytestants will be dressed as bridesmaids and must steal the show. I understand that women on this show are inherently in competition with each other, but come on. I know that there’s a phrase “Always a bridesmaid, never the bride” that is gross and annoying, but do we have to use it to force women into outdoing each other?
Everyone gets a different character and Nick will dress up to match his brides. Brittany is going to be Eve and her whole costume is a leafy bikini bottom. Have fun with that. That shark-ass bitch is going to be a shotgun bride. She didn’t know that shotgun brides were pregnant and she thought she was going to be posing with hot sexy guns. Corinne is a beach bride and she’s just wearing a white bikini. She keeps bragging that she’s the first one to kiss Nick, so she’s full of number one and that’s better than being full of number two. No one tell her what it means. I’m really digging this.
Corinne takes the whole day to watch the other women while her lizard brain gets riled up. She’s jealous that Brittany’s outfit is skimpier than hers, so what does Corinne do? She takes her bikini top off while facing Nick and asks him to “Janet Jackson” her. She doesn’t mean “tear off part of her top to reveal a nipple ring,” but instead means “hold her breasts.” She keeps referring to that precious moment as him holding her “bare boobs.” No one has held her boobs like that and no one else ever will. At the post-group date cocktail hour, Corinne steals Nick away from every single person who is sitting down with him. She lurks above him in the trees, waiting for her moment to strike.
All the other ladytestants engage in a strange bit of slut-shaming of Corinne’s behavior. But it’s all targeted at Nick. They keep wondering: If Nick is interested in someone like Corinne, if he’s really a good guy. Oh? A straight man being interested in boobs gives you pause? What a scandal! It doesn’t stop everyone else from trying to make out with Nick during the cocktail hour. Corinne gets the group date rose. She says her dad would be proud of her — even though she was naked. Uh oh, getting some shades of Trumpism in that family.
Back at the mansion, while the ladytestants sit around in carefully coordinated pajama sets, the next date card arrives. Danielle M. gets the one-on-one date! Their date is pretty staid compared to the activities of the day before: They take a helicopter to a yacht and make out in a hot tub. Nick likes that she’s from his hometown. Ah, she’s the sweet normal one. They go out for dinner onshore and she spills her romantic history. She was engaged, but her fiancé was an addict and she found him after a fatal overdose. Whoa. Bless Danielle M. for getting back out there. She genuinely likes that Nick doesn’t make her feel weird about her past. She gets a rose.
It’s time for the second group date. Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina (is she from somewhere? She’s got quite the little accent), and … Liz. Whatever the date is, she’s taking advantage of the opportunity to finally talk to Nick. The date is at the Museum of Broken Relationships — a place I did not think was real until I Googled it. (I thought ABC built an entire museum so Nick could walk through the emotional wreckage of other relationships and feel his jeans getting tighter.) After looking at Kaitlyn’s rejected engagement ring, the real fun of the date is when ladytestants get to break up with Nick. They make up silly little slights that they would break up with Nick over: He drinks too much, he leaves dirty dishes everywhere, he called them fat. Okay, so maybe not silly. Josephine takes advantage of the situation and slaps the shit out of him. This guy is into some weird stuff. Liz writes a three-minute storytelling piece about their relationship, in which she calls a wedding “a celebration of friendship and love.” Liz tells Christen about her tryst with Nick and Christen’s jaw is DROPPED the entire time. Nick can barely make eye contact with her. Afterward, Nick decides that he’s gotta talk to Liz about this because he can’t take anymore prose about their sexual history.
During the post group date cocktail hour, Nick takes Liz aside to ask her what the hell is going on. He says that Christen told him that Liz has been talking about their past and he wants to know why she’s there. They had friends in common. She could have gotten his number. Liz says that she didn’t get in touch with Nick because he was filming Bachelor in Paradise. Nick says, “I was only filming Paradise for a month.” Then she says she didn’t try to get his number because, um … she doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Girl. Maybe you should have prepped your story before this exact moment. Nick says he’s starting to feel relationships grow with other women and he just doesn’t think he has a future with Liz. So he asks her leave and puts her in the elevator in the back of the club that the owner probably uses to sneak his mistress in and out. Liz doesn’t even get a good-bye interview. She’s just let loose into the Los Angeles night.
Nick sits down to tell the women that he had sex with Liz. TO BE CONTINUED …
Oh, also: Happy birthday to that shark-ass bitch’s boobs.