The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Cabin Fever

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Shereé Whitfield. Photo: Bravo
The Real Housewives of Atlanta

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Thelma and Louise Take Flint Season 9 Episode 11
Editor's Rating 3 stars

I’m all for Phaedra’s philanthropic efforts to help the children of Flint — believe me, I really am — but unfortunately, it doesn’t make for great television. Lucky for us, that’s why you add Kenya trying to drive a convertible while a scarf flies in her face, then teaching children how to twirl and shout, “I AM FABULOUS.” Now that’s something to watch.

The fact that Kenya thinks “character development” means teaching 12-year-old girls to strut their problems away is exactly what is oh-so-wrong and oh-so-right about Kenya. It’s also pretty shady of the children that they’re more excited to see Kenya’s puppies.

Phaedra and Kenya are driving to the camp and Kenya decides that they should have a Thelma & Louise moment and gives Phaedra a scarf. Kenya, because she’s Kenya, doesn’t secure her scarf and attempts to drive from the Detroit Airport to the camp in Fenton, Michigan, with her scarf in her face and absolutely no urgency to fix it. Black Jesus take the wheel. Once they arrive at the camp, Kenya and Phaedra go to what appears to be a dorm and Kenya immediately starts talking shit about it. She calls the room a prison cell. Kenya. Could you just not? For one damn minute? She says she’s going to abandon her cot to find a nearby Hilton. Now listen, I know a thing or two about that part of Michigan. Kenya is going to have to go a long way to find a hotel that doesn’t have “Express” or “Courtyard” or “Extended Stay” in the title.

Phaedra says in her confessional that “Kenya has laid on a lot of beds and not all of them are Ritz-Carltons.” I can’t improve on that joke. I know when I’ve been bested.

Back in Atlanta, Porsha is meeting Todd for dinner. She’s been house hunting and just wants some quality time with her ma— WHAT? HE QUIT HIS JOB? WHY? Oh Todd. Is there a single man in these women’s lives who isn’t constantly engaging in some nonsense? According to Todd, his employers saw that Porsha was posting pictures from the DNC and a Vine of the two of them (and Porsha’s ass) on vacation, then they told him it was his job or Porsha. JOB, TODD. You always pick job. Porsha rightfully flips out and says that Todd isn’t taking their life seriously. Even if quitting his job was the right move because his boss probably voted for Trump, they should at least talk about the decision. They should be on the same page. While Porsha explains to Todd that he’s not responsible and makes rash decisions, he’s busy eating Porsha’s salmon off her plate. Porsha is completely upset that Todd is smiling and laughing through the whole conversation. This would drive me up a wall. Todd is acting like a 15-year-old. It’s not romantic to quit your job for your girlfriend when you got bills.

At the camp, Kenya keeps herself busy teaching kids how to twirl and chant, “I AM FABULOUS” like an army of Real Housewives. Somehow, this is character development and it speaks a lot about Kenya’s character. I can’t with this woman right now.

Cynthia is moving into Kandi’s guest room while she waits for Lake Bailey to get ready. Anyone else think Lake Bailey will be a whole mess of trouble? Cynthia just brings the essentials: cranberry juice, family photos, Froot Loops, and a small collection of wigs. In the morning, she gets a call from her realtor that Lake Bailey is ready to close. We’ll just see about that.

On the final night of the camp, Phaedra leads the children in a ritual fire ceremony. It’s not a bonfire because I didn’t see one single marshmallow. How you gonna have a camp without roasting marshmallows? Kenya and Phaedra take advantage of their high spirits and declare a truce. Then they walk through the fire and come out the other side unburnt and unbothered.

Oh, Bob is back! Any episode with Bob is a dumb-ass treat. Bob takes Sheree to what appears to be a Parisian-themed vintage shop with a restaurant and stage in the back. He gets onstage with a boa and does his version of a burlesque, which is just shaking onstage with some pelvic thrusts. When he gets offstage, he tells Sheree that she raised his children to be good people and he never thanked her for that. She says in her confessional that if this is the new Bob, she’s interested in letting him back in her life.

Porsha is at home on bed rest because she fainted leaving the nail salon and TMZ reported it. She says it’s happened to her before, but when she’s under stress, it can get worse. Todd comes over to bring her some ice cream to cheer her up. Of course, he takes a bite before he gives it to her. That’s classic Todd. He’s mad they can’t spend any time together because she works too much. Yeah. Okay. Porsha tells him that she’s a grown woman and doesn’t need a partner who is immature and thinks their relationship is a joke. Then she kicks him out of her mother’s house.

Finally, the ladies all gather for a dinner and parade in one by one to show off their outfits. Porsha is wearing an unnecessary hat. The purpose of the dinner is for Phaedra to propose a glamping trip for the ladies. Everyone is a little dubious, but Kenya doesn’t want to go on the trip until Porsha’s anger issues are addressed. Apparently, she doesn’t want to be stuck in the woods if Porsha is going to snap and turn it into a murder camp. Kenya says that Phaedra told her that Porsha was excited to tell everyone about her progress in anger management. (Yes, there are video clips to back up this assertion.) Phaedra claims she never said that and Porsha says she was never going to talk to anyone about anger management. It’s also up for debate if Porsha was ever in anger management in the first place.

Kenya keeps launching a series of questions at Porsha about her anger management. Porsha does not appreciate the tone of this conversation. Kandi tries to jump in, as is her wont, and asks Porsha what triggers her outbursts. Kenya also tries to compare the fact that Matt has never put his hands on anyone to Porsha. To make what point, I’m not exactly sure, but it is tasteless. So your “boyfriend” who has broken every window in your house in fits of rage is better than Porsha because he’s never hit you? Okay. Kenya also tries to bring up that Matt has never hit her when Sheree tells her that Kenya provokes people. In response, Kenya reminds Sheree that she’s been hit by a man. TO PROVE WHAT POINT? This is not a good bar or a marker of a “true” abusive relationship. This also shouldn’t be your rebuttal when someone accuses you of provoking people: “If I’m such a pot-stirrer, why hasn’t my boyfriend hit me yet, unlike yours?” We are getting into a truly messy and problematic area and Kenya needs to shut up. Porsha drives off in the middle of the whole fracas and half the group goes home. Porsha sits down with Sheree and Phaedra and they talk about how something is off with Kenya, but Phaedra continues to lie about how she told Kenya about Porsha’s anger management. Porsha says she doesn’t want to be around the ladies if they can’t quit out the drama — and we know she’s dead to the situation because she’s wearing all black. I guess it’s not an unnecessary hat, after all.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Cabin Fever