The Real Housewives of Atlanta
I only have so much room in my brain for trivial matters. There’s just bigger things happening in the world right now. So when The Real Housewives of Atlanta asks me to keep up with all the goings-on of every single friend these ladies have, I am being taxed. I’m trying to follow a constitutional crisis; I can’t keep up with what Marlo is up to. Or Shamea. It’s almost like there wasn’t enough drama on this season, so Bravo let everyone invite a friend. That’s certainly what they did for the glamping trip, but we’ll get to that later.
First, Kenya and Phaedra have to pick up some supplies for the glamping trip — like a special shovel to dig a hole for your poop. Phaedra is trying to make sure Kenya will be on her best behavior if Porsha decides to come too. This whole segment is intercut with Porsha sitting down with her anger-management coach. Whoever the RHOA editors are, they must have gotten some new software this season, because they’ve been doing more montages and flashbacks and little back-and-forths like this. Kenya keeps insisting that Porsha’s anger management isn’t working. Porsha thinks she can’t handle being around Kandi and has to come up with a plan to be on the glamping trip.
Glamping is the dumbest word.
Phaedra suggests to Kenya that they turn the trip into a Naked and Afraid episode. Phaedra is always trying to see somebody naked or touch somebody’s ass. Porsha decides she needs to know if Phaedra is on #TeamPorsha. I need a power rankings chart of all these alliances and allegiances.
Meanwhile, Cynthia goes to see Matt to find out what is happening with that relationship. Does anyone need this? Is this a thing friends do? Matt claims that Kenya doesn’t respect him and they don’t know how to communicate, but … this is a relationship worth fighting for? He also says he just gets upset and starts breaking things. Oh yeah, that’s a completely healthy response to stress. Does he get upset and go over to Kenya’s house to break things? Because that’s what he seems to do. Cynthia tries to make Matt feel a little bit better by saying that Kenya is a drama queen. She ain’t wrong, but NOT NOW, CYNTHIA.
Kandi is throwing Shamea a white party for her engagement, and Kandi’s friends Gocha and Tan arrive. Cynthia, Sheree, and Marlo all show up not wearing white. Kandi was selective with the guest list and didn’t invite Kenya or Phaedra, but she did invite Porsha. Unfortunately, Porsha is nowhere to be found, even though Shamea and Porsha are best friends. Shamea is disappointed when Porsha doesn’t show up, but Sheree quickly changes the subject to the fact that Phaedra is telling people Shamea loves sleeping with a married man. Shamea fires back with the fact that Apollo constantly threw himself at her and makes an inappropriate gesture, implying that Phaedra is sucking dicks all over the countryside. Shamea is also upset that Porsha didn’t defend her. It’s all conversations about people who aren’t there. Riveting.
Kenya goes over to Lake Bailey to see Cynthia’s new house, and Cynthia tries to objectively report on her conversation with Matt. Kenya flies off the handle and says Matt is a child and psychotic, then calls their relationship a cycle of abuse. Again, this is a relationship worth fighting for? Kenya also takes great offense that Cynthia (by way of Matt) thinks she’s a drama queen who provokes Matt. Cynthia is just like [shruggie emoticon] about Kenya’s reaction because she thinks it proves her point. Kenya makes it a larger point about Cynthia’s loyalty because Kenya is always defending her honor and her name. Kenya is like a knight in courtly love with Cynthia, defending her name and her kingdom of wigs. Kenya will not have her name besmirched like this, so she drives off.
Porsha goes to visit Shamea to make up for missing her engagement party. She brings her some beautiful champagne flutes and tries to explain how she can’t be around Kandi right now. Shamea brings up all the rumors and how Porsha didn’t defend her. Porsha plays dumb and doesn’t remember if she defended Shamea. Video evidence suggests otherwise. Shamea tells Kenya to be careful around Phaedra, because she used to say that Porsha was stupid and had a little head full of little brains. Porsha knows that the whole situation is toxic, and Shamea sweetly offers her a strawberry.
It’s the day of the glamping trip, and Kenya and Sheree are hosting two competing pre-trip parties. Kenya has a full spread with some nice-looking sandwiches and a veggie tray. Sheree set up a folding table outside her house with store-bought cookies still in the container. I legit thought Sheree was holding a last-minute bake sale. Marlo is coming on the trip, and she definitely dressed for the glam part of glamping. Everyone is bringing a plus-one: Kandi brought Hazel, an aspiring singer, and Porsha brings her sister Lauren to back her up. When Porsha shows up to Sheree’s house, she asks, “Oh, we going inside?” when Sheree mentions snacks, and Sheree goes, “I didn’t say all that!” Sheree, what is up with your house? Is it real? Is it just the front of a house, and it can fall over like something in Looney Tunes?
They all pile on the party bus and head out to the campsite. They’re going to rough it one night, then head to the glamping site after that. Marlo decides that her role on the trip will be as a font of wisdom. Any question you wanna ask Marlo, you can ask Marlo. Okay, Marlo.
Porsha produces a doctor’s note explaining why she brought her sister along, and Kenya tries to pick it apart by asking why she’s referred to as a “client” and not a “patient.” Everyone starts asking Porsha more questions about her anger, including Hazel. NOT NOW, HAZEL. The same ol’ conversation gets kicked up about Porsha talking about her anger management and whether the other ladies are being condescending or attacking her. Blah blah blah. The last word before the episode ends is Porsha telling Kenya, “You sound angry. Watch your mouth.”