2016 is over. We did it. We managed to make it to a new year and a new day and because we are not given more than we deserve, we were given this subpar episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sure, there were some delights. Phaedra jumping around like some sort of bridge toll who trades passage for titties. Porsha and her friend writhing around on the floor with crystal eggs shoved up their vaginas. Delights. True delights. The rest of the episode is just one or two conversations repeated ad nauseum for no one’s benefit, much like how we all feel about 2017. Let’s get this thing over with in the hopes that something better is around the corner.
No, I’m not in a dark place, why do you ask?
Cynthia goes to Dr. Curves to get a little titty maintenance. She’s getting divorced, she’s getting a new house, so it’s time for a rebirth of the titties! She also decides to invite the rest of the Housewives because maybe they would like to go in on a two-for-one, rather four-for-two deal. The Housewives slowly file into the room in a producer-organized manner. Cynthia lets Kandi know that Phaedra will soon be arriving and Kandi thinks that things might be a little awkward because Kandi finally let Phaedra have it. Kandi repeats what she said to Phaedra at their dinner and everyone flips out at the tea that is being served in fine bone china. Cynthia says that her cup runneth over with all the tea Kandi is spilling.
Dr. Curves arrives and plays a little guessing game about whose boobs are fake. The ladies are too busy groping the implants on display, as well as Cynthia’s boobs. Phaedra is obsessed with Cynthia’s boobs in a way that doesn’t seem like a supportive friend, but like somehow Cynthia’s breasts give her life force and if they’re taken away Phaedra will wither up like an old leaf and blow away in the wind. Thankfully, everything is fine with Cynthia’s titties and all is right in the world.
Sheree is meeting with her interior decorator who is late to their meeting, which is so on point I nearly fainted laughing. She has set her final deadlines for the house to be done, but her decorator is behind schedule and $100,000 over budget. Sheree, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but fire your decorator. My mom fired her interior decorator for something much, much, much less. Sheree, get your house in literal order. Meanwhile, Kandi is buying $3,500 earrings for her 14-year-old daughter. Once, my mom let me borrow a diamond ring to wear to a party in high school and I lost it. I was grounded for six weeks.
Meanwhile, Kandi starts to tell Mama Joyce that Phaedra was upset when she kept repeating the phrase, “He was gonna blow you the fuck up.” Mama Joyce thinks that Kandi has been too nice to Phaedra all these years. There’s bigger and more pressing matters at hand, though: Block wants to reconnect with Riley and Kandi suggests that they have a birthday lunch. Mama Joyce suggests that Block bring a child support check because her pettiness cannot be stopped.
Noelle and Peter meet up to do some hot yoga and talk about their issues. Peter spends the whole hot yoga class farting up a storm. Noelle says that she misses spending time with him because he was a father figure to her, too. No one is asking Noelle what she needs. It’s an actual genuine moment and Peter and Noelle hug it out and he promises to do better.
Porsha goes to the Open Mind Center to meet with her yoni coach. Porsha wants the first time with Todd to be special and tight, so she brought her best friend to try out some yoni eggs and yoni egg exercises. Porsha says she feels very full when the egg is in. They do a close-up of her friend’s behind with the string from the egg hanging out. We’ve gone too far. Sheree stops by mid-workout to help them lay their eggs. They go over Kandi and Phaedra’s blowup … again. This time, we get a new bit of information: Apparently, Phaedra hit on Porsha’s friend’s husband. This is the confirmation that Porsha needs that everything Kandi said was true but at the same time was bullshit. Sheree and Porsha form the Petty Patrol and meet up with Phaedra to find out a little more about the feud. Phaedra reveals that Kandi and Todd may have dabbled in the yoni pond once or twice, if you know what I mean. THESE WOMEN ARE TOO OLD FOR ALL THIS BULLSHIT.
We return briefly to the HGTV series that is Cynthia’s life. She’s showing off her new house to her mom and sister while they pop Champagne on the lakefront. Today would have been her six-year anniversary with Peter, but she’s sitting here with her un-touched-up titties. She’s winning.
Porsha and Sheree have lunch with Kandi to shame her about being bully … by bullying her. Porsha mentions that Kandi was saying that Porsha had sex with Block and that Phaedra cheated on Apollo. Kandi gets off on a technicality by saying that she never said the words “sex with Block” or “cheated,” so it’s fine. Kandi also says that she’s tired of Phaedra’s Goody Two-shoes act and that her reign of terror will end now! Sheree just sits in the background, making faces about the two of them going at each other. Porsha says she’s tired of all the back-and-forth, so she starts an entirely new back-and-forth but with Kandi. After Kandi storms out, Porsha jokes that maybe Kandi is in the closet because she misunderstands Sheree’s joke. THESE WOMEN AREN’T CLEVER ENOUGH FOR THEIR OWN DRAMA. Maybe they’ll tighten up more than just their yonis.