Ansel Elgort, (arguably) better-known as DJ Ansolo, released the music video for his new single “Thief” on Thursday. Given the event’s recency, we cannot pretend to have yet metabolized the release, but we can instruct as follows: The video must be seen. Because the song is, well, actually pretty catchy, but the video renders that fact irrelevant, given that one’s chances of paying attention to the tune torpedo as each of the following debuts: leather tassels, ponderous self-reflection starring Ansel’s abs, ponderous self-reflection of every other kind, a dance move that resembles a moonwalk but that we feel uncomfortable labeling as such, sex happenings featuring Elgort’s real-life girlfriend Violetta Komyshan (as directed by Elgort’s brother Warren, because, sure, a family affair), ‘80s-era exceedingly literal choreography, infinitesimally different degrees of nostril flare, and the slow, sensual application of a black turtleneck. The video ends with Elgort painfully shutting his eyes, unable to endure the emotional blitzkrieg a moment longer. To which we say: same.