The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Glamping Gone Wild

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

If These Woods Could Talk
Season 9 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating *****

It’s day one of the “glamping trip” and things aren’t starting out so glamorously, as the Housewives roll up to the campsite with all kinds of interlopers and drama. Phaedra hopes that the fresh air will “tame the wild animals.” Not when you have loose cannon and cameltoe advocate Marlo in tow.

When they arrive at the campsite, Phaedra spills that they’re going to have to bunk together because half of the ladies brought plus-ones and Marlo says she’s gotta sleep alone in a tent because she has gas problems. Marlo. No one has time to deal with your gastrointestinal problems. Especially not when snakes are slithering around in the grass. Also, they have to assemble their own tents. This whole trip feels like a Saw-esque manipulation by Phaedra to drive everyone to their breaking points. Mild physical labor? Exposure to natural air? Prolonged contact with everyone’s fake-ass friends? Sounds like torture to me.

Before they can assemble their own tents, Sheree and Marlo sit down to figure out the best way to orchestrate the arguments for the evening. Tonight’s catalyst is the rumor that Kandi is a lesbian. I don’t want to unpack whatever homophobic nonsense that’s causing the ladies to think this is some shocking reveal or scandalous fact. But they are using it as an excuse to bring up that people are talking behind Kandi’s back. Suuuuuuuuuuuuure.

The women head to the campsite to pitch their tents and it takes literally two hours. There’s not much substance to this episode, but a montage of the ladies trying to put together some camping tents will always be comedic gold. When “TWO HOURS LATER” with a shot of the moon flashed on the screen, I was on my knees praying for the well-being of a group of adults in the woods by themselves. Particularly when Porsha asks to the trees themselves, “What’s the movie where they eat people because they’re on the mountain?” What movie could she be talking about?

Once the fire is roaring and the tents are popped, it’s time to relax and settle in for Ask Marlo. A game no one asked for. I’m sensing a trend with Marlo. She brings the chic-ness to the wild with her bedazzled bottle of Off and her cameltoe. She starts by laying into Kenya and telling her exactly what’s wrong with her fake eyelashes. One of the first questions meant to stir up some drama is why aren’t Kenya and Marlo friends anymore. Marlo explains that Kenya didn’t invite her to her birthday or her housewarming. Kenya says she’s apologized multiple times and Marlo comes back with, “Them earrings are a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and if someone’s mother doesn’t want to be bothered with them, that’s how you know she’s evil.”

Way harsh, Marlo.

Kenya calls Marlo a prostitute and Phaedra seizes the moment to suggest the women come together for unity and sisterhood and not call each other bitches and hos. Sheree decides to bring up the lesbian rumors. Good call, Sheree.

The next morning, it’s time for Kenya to take over the events of the day and sit down to a glamporous meal. Sheree and Marlo tell everyone that Marlo walked to the cabins in the middle of the night with only the light of her cell phone to guide her. I can’t judge because my friend had a wedding on a hill in the Michigan Dunes and a few of us missed the last bus down to the parking lot so we walked about a mile and a half in the dark. I relate to literally only one of Marlo’s impulses. At brunch, Phaedra says that her divorce is almost-almost final and Kandi says that if your spouse is in jail, you can get a divorce in 60 days. What’s the hold up, Phaedra? Cynthia says that her divorce is almost finalized, but Peter won’t be at the settlement signing and she breaks down because she wanted that final moment of closure with him. She’s the only one who has a genuine emotional reaction to anything in any given episode. Everyone tries to comfort Cynthia by telling her that she’s going to be married again soon because she’s beautiful. Um … read the room, guys.

The first glamping activity? Kayaking and paddleboats. Everyone seems pretty excited about some boating but Sheree … oh, Sheree. When just a little bit of water gets into the paddleboat, she FLIPS all the way out and screams, “I DON’T WANT MY FEET IN THE WATER! THIS IS DISGUSTING! THERE’S PISS IN THIS WATER! LOOK AT THESE BUGS IN THERE! I JUST SAT IN SOME! IT STINKS, I’M SITTING ON NASTY WATER! MY FEET ARE SOAKING WET!” She also says sitting in dirty water is how you get yeast infections. Only if you’re downriver of a bread factory, Sheree. So, that activity is a bust.

Next activity is just jumping off a big-ass tower into the arms of a bucket hat-wearing bro named Jason. Phaedra isn’t going to jump because Jesus didn’t give her wings so he didn’t want her to fly. They all support each other and make to the ground safely and it’s time for their glamourous dinner.

Everyone puts on their best and heads to a giant picnic table that Cynthia and Kenya decorated with plastic wine glasses and tealights. Marlo gets the conversation rolling by asking Kandi if she’s a lesbian because she heard someone was talking about it. Porsha puts on her best shocked pantomime and asks, “WHO SAID THAT? WHO? WHO?” Kandi quickly dispels the rumor that she’s a lesbian (which would be fine and also bisexuals exist, everyone, if Kandi enjoys the company of other ladies) but wants to know who started the rumor. Phaedra just drinks her wine and keeps quiet to avoid any attention, but it quickly becomes clear that it was Porsha. The editors have another bit of fun when they cut to two minutes earlier to see Porsha’s face cracking at the rumor she started. Kandi accuses Porsha of having dipped in the lady pond and says that Porsha shouldn’t be running her mouth considering everything Kandi knows about her. Porsha claims it was a little bit of shade and fun and she doesn’t even remember saying that? I mean, who could? It’s not like there’s video of it or anything.

The ladies retreat into their cabins to re-group and promise mutually assured destruction. We’ve got a lot to look forward to next episode!

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Glamping Gone Wild