The Real Housewives of Atlanta
It’s the last day of the glamping trip and I hope you’re ready to hear the same conversation repeated no less than six times! Kandi is still upset about last night, so she’s heading back to the city on her own. No, she’s not walking in the dark back to Atlanta like Marlo, but she’s calling a car and skipping the bus back with the rest of the housewives.
When Kandi tells Cynthia that she’s leaving, Cynthia appears to be above all the drama and sends Kandi off into the Atlanta countryside. All the ladies are packing up to leave and Porsha could not have more luggage for, like, a three-day trip. Porsha wasn’t happy that the night finished with her served up on a platter, but she still had a good time. Can’t keep a good girl down!
On the bus, Sheree continues to be “the Bone Collector” and tries to get Phaedra to admit her role in the drama. Sheree better call bed-bound Denzel Washington because she’s gonna need a little help getting to the bottom of this mess. Phaedra claims she doesn’t remember any previous conversations she’s ever had with Kandi or about Kandi or about lesbians. When the ladies all get back to Atlanta, Cynthia tells her daughter and her assistant about the drama and also reveals that she’s played the Game of Flats, if you know what I mean. Y’know, maybe you don’t, it’s a 19th-century British term for sex between women. I should have been clear. As these episodes go by, I might doubt some of Cynthia’s decisions, but she seems pretty fun and chill and I admire that in a housewife. Her daughter is MORTIFIED about the conversation.
Kandi heads to the Kandi Factory to meet with the small council and review the events of the glamping trip. Kandi says if she were a lesbian, there wouldn’t really be a closet. She also says that Porsha has been known to hook up with ladies and IN FACT Kandi was dancing with Porsha and Todd at a club and Porsha started making out with her. Then, the most succulent detail: Porsha allegedly whispered to Kandi that she wanted to “eat her pussy until [she] comes!” WELL. Kandi says that only someone who had done that before would say it just like that, so obviously Porsha has done something. Meanwhile, Todd says that whole night was pretty fun because they went to Waffle House afterward.
Kenya is going to her doctor’s office because she picked up a little surprise for Cynthia to celebrate her divorce. When Cynthia shows up, Kenya divulges that the procedure isn’t a facial or even a little bit of Botox, but a vaginal rejuvenation. How come every woman’s divorce is always framed as getting them ready for their next husband? Can’t a bitch just be alone and not get a laser shoved up her vagina? I refuse to believe that to get better orgasms I have to shove a LASER up my vagina. Cynthia, just buy a vibrator. It’ll be a better investment.
Phaedra rolls up to her lawyer’s office in slow motion and Ronne tells her that the divorce is final! Phaedra sheds a tear or two, then says she wants Apollo to stay in her kids’ lives — and she’ll get the chance to tell him, since she has to let him know that the divorce is final. We don’t get to see the conversation, but she tells Porsha about it in Porsha’s new million-dollar house. It’s a whole lotta house for just one person with some nebulous boyfriend. Phaedra thought Apollo would handle it better because he’s got a new girlfriend he’s always talking to everyone about. We get treated to a little montage of Apollo and Phaedra’s ups and downs. The conversation ends with Porsha telling Phaedra that Apollo was just upset because everything she was giving Apollo, she’s gonna be giving someone else. Then Phaedra pretends to bounce on a dick. See? It’s all about getting a new boyfriend!
Kandi takes Riley into the studio to help her record her first song. It’s a sweet little tune about Riley’s relationship with her father (who hasn’t contacted her in a month). The song made my boyfriend yell from my kitchen, “What is that shitty song?” So you know, don’t expect it to be climbing the charts anytime soon. Meanwhile, Cynthia is prepping for her bag and purse line and brings in Sheree to offer Kairo a spot in the fashion show. Sheree asks if there’s any compensation, which isn’t a bad question, and Cynthia says he might be paid with a backpack. Sheree asks if the fashion show could be on a weekend and Cynthia laughs and says, “I would never pick up the phone and tell Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren, ‘That time doesn’t work for me.’” Again, neither is wrong.
Porsha sits down with her “boyfriend” Todd to figure out exactly what is happening in their “relationship.” She tells him that he’s almost 40, so she thought he would be more responsible. Okay, girl, you thought wrong. He’s engaging in all that same nonsense that every other man engages in. At the end of the conversation, they agree to get more serious and Todd has to step it up because Porsha made plans for their life together. I’m not holding my breath.
And now, the final confrontation between Kandi and Porsha. They meet for lunch and basically do the improv exercise where you can only talk when the other person is also talking. Kandi is pretty unapologetic about her sex life and Porsha keeps bringing up anything and everything she can to make Kandi feel bad. I can’t decide exactly how homophobic all of these conversations are, but basically, someone can hook up with women and it’s no one else’s business. Kandi knows that when she’s talking about something she knows about Porsha, it’s pretty much always something Porsha told her rather than an invention. In one conversation, Porsha claims that Kandi is a lesbian, that she’s had a secret seven-year relationship, and that Todd is calling women pretending to be someone named Marvin. Pretending to be someone named Marvin would not be a good pick-up strategy. Kandi gets so frustrated she just gets up and walks away.
Well, I’m glad they cleared the air in a productive way!