Last night, while promoting her movie with Sofia Coppola The Beguiled at CinemaCon in Las Vegas, Kirsten Dunst went to see Britney Spears. She had a good time. We know this because Dunst Instagrammed a photo of Britney with the simple line, “She werked bitch ❤️ @britneyspears #PieceOfMe.” Sure, you might imagine that this is normal Instagram content for a celebrity to post, but Dunst’s Instagram is far more weird and spare than your average celebrity’s. She has posted only 56 photos in the 53 weeks that her account has been active. Every post, even the most mundane promo, is an event. Her tone is always dry and somewhat removed. It’s a blend of precision and whimsy that is, frankly, awe-inspiring.
We begin our journey with Dunst’s first post. “America!” She writes “Finally joined the gram! Give me my free 🍟.” It’s a David Foster Wallace–ian simultaneous embrace and criticism of American consumerism in just nine words, plus an emoji.
Here is her first foray into flashback posts, which she likes to post on Friday instead of the typical Thursday. Kirsten has not named Winona Ryder or Christian Bale in the photo, or mentioned that the picture was taken at an event related to 1994’s Little Women. You are expected to know.
As we said, she is very good at throwback photos.
Kirsten Dunst was a judge at the Cannes Film Festival, a cheerocracy.
Kirsten Dunst was in The Virgin Suicides, a movie about suicide, and decided to make fun of Suicide Squad, a movie about Jared Leto torturing his co-stars. Her use of memes is vicious.
Occasionally she does promo, but likes to mix up the hashtags.
She is very supportive of her now-fiancé Jesse Plemons, a.k.a. Landry from Friday Night Lights. Once, in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, she talked about bingeing Friday Night Lights while gaining weight for Fargo and demanding that Plemons tell her the gossip about which people on the cast were dating. I like to imagine she once went up to Taylor Kitsch and whispered, “I know about everything.”
Kirsten Dunst went to see Dolly Parton, who deserved five emojis.
Like many people on Instagram, Kirsten Dunst likes to re-create Beyoncé poses. Unlike most people, Kirsten Dunst has access to the same chair that Beyoncé used.
This is a photo of Elle Fanning in a fairy outfit in a bathroom somewhere. Was Kirsten there with her? Who was Elle Fanning texting? Was it Dakota? Dunst shows, but does not tell.
Kirsten Dunst was on Star Trek: The Next Generation, but it’s chill. Really, the focus here is on the dog. It is a very good dog.
In conclusion, Kirsten Dunst’s Instagram is the second-best thing she’s done online, just behind the time she joined Miranda July’s celebrity email project slash contest and breezily informed the world “Kirsten Dunst was unable to locate an email that gives advice.”