The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Now comes the time that we have all been anxiously awaiting. For the last time this season (this forever?) it is time to talk about PK, a neck masquerading as an entire person. It is no secret that I think that he is the absolute living worst. He is worse than the threat of nuclear war and drug-resistant gonorrhea. He is worse than beetle larvae covered in Velveeta and the dead animals underneath a hoarder’s stack of newspapers. He is worse than climate-change deniers and Taylor Armstrong’s upper lip implant. Erika called him a nasty person and, you know what, he really is.
If you don’t believe me, here is a list of things that I have called PK during this season of The Real Panty Wearers of Landing Strip Lane:
• a thumb without a fingernail
• the crusty part of your heel before a pedicure
• a Monster energy drink left out in the sun
• a dolphin tattoo of a man
• a piñata full of toenail clippings
• an anal fissure wearing a pair of camouflage Crocs
• a soliloquy of belches
• an overstuffed burrito covered in Steve Bannon’s rosacea
• a wet pair of socks you have to put back on
• a bathroom stall drawing of a penis
• a size-small condom filled with a million leper dicks
• a Toblerone covered in pus
• a broken beer bottle full of sharts
I hold these truths to be self-evident and admissible evidence in a court of law. If you didn’t believe me, he really proved them during his appearance on this reunion special, where he continues to attack Erika and refuses to apologize for his absolutely shameful comments about her and how she might be “giving her bits away” and that she has “deep-rooted problems in her marriage.” PK doesn’t know either of these to be true. Yes, she makes raunchy music videos, but she has never claimed to be anything but devoted to her husband. Also, he has never even met her husband, Tom, and doesn’t know anything about what their relationship is like. How can he make these assumptions on national television?
PK gets very defensive with Erika and Lisar for attacking his character and says he should be forgiven because, “All I did was make a bad joke.” Bad jokes are one thing, but making jokes that are mean to women and imply things about how they live their lives that are untrue and are based on old, outdated, and misogynistic stereotypes is just disgusting. Telling Ken while the cameras were on that he still wouldn’t shag Erika even after he had seen her vagina is disgusting. Grousing that people have called him a pervert and made assumptions about him after he did all of those things is, you guessed it, super disgusting. I’m glad Erika told him to “get off the stage” and I hope that he does.
Before we can move on to other disgusting people, I’d like to take a moment to congratulate Kyle Richards not only on offering us some hilarious takes on Eden’s hugs and the way the women of Beverly Hills greet each other, but also on her very successful business. We learn that her Beverly Hills boutique Kyle by Alene Too has now spawned six stores. There is the original Kyle by Alene Too, but also Kyle by Alene Too: The Streets, Kyle by Alene Too: Electric Boogaloo, Kyle by Alene Too: Red, White, and Blonde, Too Alene Too Furious, and Kyle by Alene Six: This Time It’s Personal.
Anyway, after PK is taken from us we have to deal with Eden Sassoon, a paperweight of a woman, and Kim Richards who, ugh. I can’t. I mean, this is a woman who went out on a date with Donald J. Trump and won’t even tell us about it. I don’t mind that Andy Cohen brought it up, but I will never forgive Lisa Vanderpump for asking Kim if she’s seen him naked. I would rather suck PK’s pinky toenail than think about Donald Trump naked. Ugh.
Now we have to talk about Kim Richards. Ugh. Double ugh. A litany of ugh. A rosary where I say the Ugh Father followed by 10 Ugh Marys. Kim is just a mean, vindictive, awful kind of person and Kyle Richards can hardly even defend her anymore. She just sits there on the couch, biting her finger like it’s a baby carrot slathered in Sad Valley Ranch dressing from a crudité platter while hoping that no one realizes that the two of them are related even though they have the same last name.
Yes, I’m talking about when Kim returns the bunny to Lisa Rinna, which is perhaps the biggest dick move I’ve ever seen on a reunion special and that includes when Teresa threw Andy Cohen around like a rag doll and when Porsha socked Kenya in the face. Just like Kim’s “cries, lies, denies” line, it is so obviously scripted and planned out that it is desperately sad. Kim has been sitting at home for months, dreaming up ways that she could possibly hurt Lisar and she dreamed up this amazing moment with the bunny as she sat in her darkened living room in her robe clutching a mug of hot coffee with hazelnut Coffeemate with both hands and the light bulb went on and she never looked back.
The saddest part of the bunny return is that it comes moments after Kim told Lisar and the world that she could see some future for them in their friendship. It was nice, it seemed like the two of them finally broke the cycle of hatred and could move forward. But no, immediately after that, Kim brings out the bunny and we realize that she was being insincere and cynical the whole time.
What makes it even worse is her standing in front of Lisa, holding that withered bunny in its wizened, uncrinkled cellophane, giving this whole preamble about how the “energy” of the bunny was off and she was giving it back to Lisar in the hopes that she could give it back to her some day with good energy and they could move forward. Oh, bullshit. Kim wanted to do something awful to hurt Lisar so that when Lisar stops trying to be friends with her, Kim can say, “But I tried! I told her to give me the bunny back!” But she doesn’t want that bunny back. She just wants Lisar to suffer.
Not that Lisar is completely blameless in this whole scenario, but Lisar at least has the strength to stand by all the awful things that she’s said and done to Kim. No, “owning it” does not make it go away, but it is a good step in recognizing the damage that you’ve done and taking responsibility for how you make a person feel. Kim returning the bunny and saying, “Oh, give it back some time” is just like when Kim says, “I didn’t say anything about Lisar’s husband.” Yeah, technically she didn’t, but the spirit behind it is clear. In both of those cases, it is as malevolent as a beefy fart after an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.
Lisar is clearly hurt and the cynical part of me thinks that she recognized a moment of hurt and milked it for all it was worth. The uncynical part of me thinks that she must have really felt bad that her olive branch was snapped in half and thrown back at her and the whole time Kim acted as if she was trying to do Lisar a favor. I wish that the world we lived in was the second kind of world, but the first kind of world also plays into it.
I don’t think Kim got nearly the reaction she thought she was going to get. Everyone there saw it as cruel and calculated, just as Eileen said. I mean, how could they not? Lisa Vanderpump, whose defense of Dorit, PK, and Kim is making her overstay her welcome, told Lisar, “Well, she did say to give it back,” but, seriously, Lisa? Kim chose to give it back on camera. She knew this moment was coming and she told someone to place the bunny behind the couch where she could get it easily. That bullet was loaded in the chamber before Andy even asked that question and Kim was just dying to shoot.
The end of the episode is a great moment, where Kim picks that sad, tired bunny up again and drags it to meet Lisar. Who told Kim to pick up the bunny? That was the worst advice that anyone ever gave Kim and that she ever took and when she asks Lisar if they can talk, Lisar says no and brushes past her. The chill in that soundstage must have been enough to ice all of PK’s vodka–Red Bulls for at least the rest of the Trump administration, however long that lasts. For the first time in a long time at a reunion, I can’t wait to see what comes next.