Spoilers ahead for Samantha Bee’s Not the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
As anyone who watches Full Frontal would’ve expected, at Samantha Bee’s Not the White House Correspondents Dinner on Saturday, she and her writing staff brought it. Thanks to her rapid-fire style, the special was packed with good jokes, from jokes about CNN to jokes about past presidents to jokes about future presidents to jokes about the current president’s golden habits. Here are some of the best ones, delivered by Bee unless otherwise noted.
• “You are all gonna wanna make friends with our honored guests here at the front table. They are the Committee to Protect Journalists. These are the guys you call if you leave the hall tonight and discover your car has been keyed by Sean Spicer. [Shows image of keyed car: “Fake News!” “Sean”.] Aww, buddy. Why’d you sign it with your own name?”
• “Your job has never been harder. POTUS has convinced 88% percent of his fans that you’re an enemy of the people. You basically get paid to stand in a cage while a geriatric orangutan and his pet mob scream at you. It’s like a reverse zoo, but you carry on.”
• “We are living in a Golden Age of journalism. Unfortunately, that’s partly due to a golden president who’s rumored to enjoy golden showers.”
• Clip of CNN chief Jeff Zucker: “You can call it entertainment. You can call it a reality show. But there was news in it almost every time.”
Samantha Bee: “Almost every time? CNN gives you news like your shitty boyfriend gives your orgasms. Either way, you wind up lying in the wet spot and he’s snoring.”
Clip of Zucker: I don’t think it’s our role or my role to have regrets.
Samantha Bee: “Says the guy who put Joey on the air.”
• [During a segment in which Samantha Bee imagines herself at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner during Ronald Reagan’s administration.] “The president says the most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’ That’s funny. I thought they were: ‘You have AIDs and the government doesn’t care.’”
• “The maker of American greatness again ran away from the Vietnam war, he ran away from two Republican debates, and now he’s run away from the Correspondents’ Dinner. I guess we know why he wears those lumpy, ill-fitting, old man pants: It’s because he’s constantly shitting himself. It just goes to show you: A giant pussy can get elect President, as long as he doesn’t have one.”
• Kumail Nanjiani: “Trump is like that weird high school friend of yours that shows up at the party but doesn’t bring any beer, drinks everyone’s liquor, is weird to all the girls, and on the way out doesn’t condemn hate crimes.”
• Carl Reiner: “I was in Ocean’s 11, a movie about a casino heist. Trump didn’t find the movie believable because it revolved around a casino that was actually making a profit.”
• Billy Eichner: “You ever notice Betsy DeVos and a duffel bag of orphans’ bones are never seen in the same room together? Makes you think.”
• On Bill O’Reilly: “Turns out it’s bad business to have your flagship show hosted by 400 pounds of sexual-harassment allegations in a 200-pound bag.”
• On Fox News: “What a triumph for women that career sexual predators are finally getting what they deserve: $65 million and age-appropriate retirement.”
• On Rupert Murdoch: “After 20 years setting the table for Trump, the Tasmanian Titan finally has what he’s always wanted: A BFF-slash-program-director in the White House, gumming his soggy cornflakes while enjoying a long-distance circle jerk.”
• [During a segment in which Samantha Bee imagines herself at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner during Bill Clinton’s administration.] “Bill’s been called America’s first black president! Don’t lean into that label too hard, Bill. You might throw yourself in prison.”
• [During a segment in which Samantha Bee imagines herself at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner during Mike Pence’s future administration.] “I think we all owe President Pence a debt of gratitude for bravely stepping into the role after Trump got his head stuck in that jar of honey. What a tragedy.”
“I didn’t think you’d make a good president at all, Mike Pence, but I’m coming around, so, in at least this case, the conversion therapy is working.”
“It’s nice that after a disastrous year of Trump, we can finally stop demonizing immigrants and minorities and focus on the real enemy: gay children.”
• [During a segment in which Samantha Bee imagines herself at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in an alternate reality where Hillary Clinton won.] “For a week after President Clinton won, we all heard a loud buzzing noise. I think it was the sound of the whizzing bullet we just dodged. Or it was Bill O’Reilly’s vibrator. No, Reddit, President Clinton disappear Bill O’Reilly for telling the truth about her presidency. I can verify that Bill O’Reilly is alive and well. He left me a long voice-mail last night. It sounded like he was mixing custard while walking up stairs or something. Anyway, he’s fine. He sounded very relaxed by the end of the call.”
“Hillary is under so many investigations, I’m starting to think that FBI really does stand for female body inspector.”
“I don’t want to say Republicans were hostile during Hillary’s address to Congress, but she’s the first president who had to walk up to the lectern with her keys between her knuckles.”