If there’s one person who can judge your performance in Evita, it’s Patti LuPone, the original Eva Perón. According to her, Madonna, who tried her hand at playing the Argentine First Lady in a 1996 film adaptation, simply didn’t measure up. LuPone explained on Watch What Happens Live With Andy Cohen that she caught part of Madonna’s rendition of “Buenos Aires” on the treadmill and “thought it was a piece of shit.” “Madonna is a movie killer,” LuPone explains, “she’s dead behind the eyes. She cannot act her way out of a paper bag. She should not be in film or onstage. She’s a wonderful performer for what she does, but she is not an actress.” Really, the best part of this read is that Patti ends it with a chipper “bing!”
Never one to hold back, LuPone also took a moment to lay into the film adaptation of Les Misérables (LuPone was the original Fantine) and declare that Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s Rachel Bloom should be the only person allowed to film musicals, which somewhat explains why she did a guest spot on the show. LuPone’s also no fan of live TV musicals, so don’t expect NBC’s War Paint Live! anytime soon.