Southern Charm Recap: Cow Burns and Caftans

Southern Charm

Sari, Not Sari
Season 4 Episode 8
Editor’s Rating *****

I have watched many hours of reality television during the course of my life, so much so that when I finally arrive at the pearly gates, I won’t be greeted by St. Peter, but by a “Previously On” montage with all of the greatest slaps, cussings out, and glasses of wine thrown throughout my (hopefully) many years. That said, I can firmly say that this was one of the most boring hours of reality television that I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

Nothing really happens, which is bad enough, but no one is crazy, funny, inappropriate, or otherwise outlandish (save for Daisy, Whitney’s always-batshit consort, but she is barely worth a mention). I mean, Southern Charm already wasn’t giving us a sweaty mint julep’s worth of things to talk about, but here we are, so I guess we’ll have to muddle through. (That was a mint pun, for all of you non-mixologists out there.)

When in doubt, talk about Katheryn, right? She is a beautiful creature and I totally love her, but mostly I love that both she and Thomas are trying to make amends with each other so that they can raise their two children together, but they both think that the other is laying a trap. I guess that is what happens when two supervillains decide to get together and start a family. Lex Luthor can’t invite the Joker over for a barbecue without the Joker looking for a death ray hiding behind the curtains, because that’s exactly what he would do.

Kathryn makes two moves: She sends Thomas a letter and she calls Whitney. The first move is a sound one and she apologizes for the things she’s done and tries to move forward with raising their children together. Thomas thinks it’s sweet, but she is someone so unhinged and unwilling to admit wrongdoing that this does not seem like the Kathryn he knows. He can’t quite process what she could mean.

The second move is more curious. Her voice-mail for Whitney is odd. She admits that it’s a surprise to hear from her and proposes hanging out, but it sounds like she really does have an ulterior motive. The tone she uses expresses that she has something to ask for that she doesn’t want to go into over the phone. Personally, I think she’s going to try to open a backdoor communication with Thomas. It’s sort of like the Oslo peace accords, but for former coke fiends who are trying to raise a family. I don’t see anything wrong with this necessarily, but until he meets with her, it’s obvious for everyone to suspect her motives.

The craziest part of the whole episode, though, is when Kathryn goes to get a haircut from Chelsea. It was like the producers were trying to find a way to get these two cast members together even though Kathryn can’t really hang out with anyone in the cast. It was like attempting to make a dish with peanut butter and cauliflower and failing miserably, so that what you’re left with is a sad casserole that not even Mikey would like.

Still, Chelsea gamely listened to Kathryn talk about Thomas and how she misses making him feel loved and how she is so glad that she gave him children he can be proud of and that made me tear up a little. Is there a real person hiding underneath that awful makeup job and delusions of getting back into modeling? Do these two really love each other after all? I don’t know them well enough to say for sure, but I can definitely see them getting back together at some point. Watch, their relationship will outlast all of us, like some sort of cockroach that feeds off drama and fake eyelashes.

Austen goes out for drinks with Landon and it’s like a Tuesday night and they’re doing shots with their beer. Can anyone please tell these 30-somethings that they’re not in college anymore? When they are talking about Austen sleeping with Chelsea, he tells Landon he had to moderate his liquor intake so that he isn’t too wasted to bump those uglies. “Is Chelsea the kind of girl who will let me wiggle around on top of her when I’m drunk?” he asks Landon. That is both the saddest and most accurate description of drunk sex I have ever heard.

Later, Chelsea and Austen go on what seems to be a super fun date at Alexis Bellino’s trampoline park. JK, that’s in Orange County. This is some other kind of trampoline park and Austen’s prize for making the world’s easiest slam dunk is that he gets to kiss Chelsea. He’s like a good foot away from her when he pecks her on the lips and she says, “You have a boner.” Excuse me. If she is a foot away from him and can feel that through his sweatpants, then she needs to put a ring on that man and never let him go. Damn!

Anyway, Austen decides to be a bummer on their date and tell us about his older sister who literally fell off a mountain and died. I’d say this is like the world’s saddest episode of A Series of Unfortunate Events, but even Neil Patrick Harris wouldn’t sing a song about that.

I guess we should talk about the vaguely Indian dinner party that Patricia throws for Georgette Mosbacher, a woman who thinks she’s prim and proper and won’t let people swear at the dinner table, but will defend Donald Trump’s statements about grabbing pussies until the cows come home. I am happy to say that her and Pat’s dog portrait caftans are truly horrendous. The $500 one that she had on last week was darling, but this looks like someone just made a repeat print on Photoshop and then had it printed out on polyester and attached a faux-jewel collar made out of paste and plastic. No, thanks.

Also, Georgette is the worst kind of hypocrite. I don’t say that because of her longtime support for the Republican Party (what else can we expect from Southern Charm), but because she wanted to be on a reality show until the reality show came to her. She thought it would be fun to go visit her friend Pat and see how this thing is filmed and promote their brand on TV. Then, during the psychic’s visit, Whitney asked a question about Thomas and Kathryn and the group erupted into an argument. Cameran wanted to stay out of it, Craig said she seems fine, Whitney seemed to regret he even brought it up, but the reality TV storm raged around her.

That is when Georgette made her swift good-byes and headed upstairs. She wanted to be on a reality show without any of the dirty business of actually being on the show. Having these arguments and creating this kind of drama is the price you pay for the fame and promotion. If Georgette Mosbacher can’t handle that, maybe she should stick to whatever factory is making those cheap caftans of hers and leave the rest of us alone.

Southern Charm Recap: Cow Burns and Caftans