The Bachelorette Recap: Husband Material

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Rachel. Photo: Michael Yada/ABC
The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette

Week 2 Season 13 Episode 2
Editor's Rating 3 stars

Meet Rachel. She’s a high-powered lady lawyer.

“Overruled?! As if!”

Meet her best friend, Copper. He’s a dang dog.

“Woof!”

When it comes to love, she’s never had too much luck. One day, she finds the man of her dreams.

“Oh my God, I’m so clumsy and charming. I didn’t mean to fall on top of you, but my clumsiness is charming, I guess. Hi, I’m Nick. I have the emotional intelligence of a sea cucumber.” “Hi, Nick. I’m Rachel. I’m too good for you to the extent that it’s almost insulting to me that I’m even here doing this.”

But things don’t go as planned …

[Record-scratch sound effect!]

“You’re breaking up with me?! In Norway?!”

But things are looking up for Rachel when she meets Like 20 Dudes in Henley Tees.

“Hi. We’re literally Like 20 Dudes in Henley Tees, but some of us are black!” “Wow, I’ve never met anyone like you before, Like 20 Dudes in Henley Tees!”

Sometimes when you find true love, life makes the objections.

“It’s not what it looks like!” “ASHTON KUTCHER? MILA KUNIS? KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR?!”

Rachel’s been hurt before …

“I’ve been hurt before.”

She’s on a journey to find love …

“This is my journey to find love.”

Her dog is there.

“Bark!”

Hopefully her heart won’t be broken again and, for the first time, Like 20 Dudes in Henley Tees will be … HUSBAND MATERIAL.

This week, there are two group dates and a one-on-one date, and if you don’t get the rose on the one-on-one, you’re going home. Is that an issue? Has that ever happened? Doesn’t matter because the first date is the group date: Dean, JACK STONE, Tickle Monster, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Whack-a-Mole. The date card says, “I’m looking for husband material.” We get the first Whaboom of the episode. I’m sincerely worried that Whack-a-Mole is going to give himself a concussion just by shaking his head that vigorously and that often.

It’s time for a husband-themed obstacle course. HELL. YES. We’ve seen the ladytestants run through a wife- and/or farm-themed obstacle course, now the tables have turned and the contesticles have to set them. I am here for asking the contesticles to reveal if they have health insurance and a job. Line up in order of the size of your benefits package. Who got dental? Iggy? You got dental? The best part of the Husband Material Challenge is Rachel looking straight into the camera and saying, “I’m wife material, so they better be husband material!” I’m here for Rachel asserting loudly and often that any of these guys would be lucky to have her. She got dental, y’all.

The challenge involves doing basic chores that any adult over age 19 should be able to do, but Kenny thinks he has an advantage because they have to change a doll’s diaper and strap the doll to their chest. Unfortunately for Kenny, Whack-a-Mole has no regard for human life, real or imagined, and repeatedly bonks the baby doll’s head and submerges it in water for up to a minute. He also spikes the baby like it’s a football. I’m very alarmed. Lucas wins the challenge by stiff-arming Kenny in the goddamn neck.

Is production just paying Rachel to keep him on the show or what is it? Blake thinks that the after-date party is the perfect time to reveal that Lucas is there for the wrong reasons so everybody drink! (Other drinking game phrases: “journey,” “riding this high,” “sealed with a kiss.”) Blake makes his sorry attempt at starting some shit with Whack-a-Mole and even goes so far as to bring the issue to Rachel and she looks at him like she’s thinking, “…this motherfucker trying to get in the way of the Scandal walk-on I’m getting for keeping this idiot around for at least three episodes.” Kenny looks at Blake and Whack-a-Mole arguing and says, “Being a wrestler, I know all about white dudes acting crazy. These white dudes are buggin’.” How are we all not completely in love with Kenny?

Dean gets the group-date rose and he walks Rachel to her limo and gives her a really sweet kiss.

Back at the mansion, we get a lot of interstitial footage of DeMario just bragging about how he’s got the whole thing in the bag. Because we are all consumers of reality television, we know he’s being set up for an edit. It’s time for the one-on-one date and Rachel picks Peter to go with her to Palm Springs and she brings Copper and they go to A DOG POOL PARTY. At one point, Peter is lifting Copper up in the air as they all dance in a circle. Guys. How has nobody thought of this before? Copper gets an in-the-moment interview. When it’s time for Rachel to give Peter the rose, she goes in for the kiss and it’s a good kiss. He obviously gets the one-on-one date rose.

Back at the house, the contesticles read the next date card: Will, Jamey, Digg, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, and Josiah are going to play basketball. The guys all head to a high school for a basketball game with Kareem Abdu— OH, WHO CARES, LET’S TALK ABOUT LEXI.

Lexi is actively trying to look like Instagram made real and if DeMario was messing around with her, he definitely wasn’t telling his friends. This woman shows up after the basketball game with text messages from DeMario and tells Rachel that he was in her bed a few weeks before he left for the show. Rachel drags DeMario’s ass out of the locker room to make him deal. With. This. DeMario looked at Lexi and went, “Oooohh heeeeeeyyyyyyyy, who is this?” He tried to “New phone, who dis?” her in real life. “New bitch, who dis?”

Now, I know I have a lot of cute white ladies who read my recaps, but this next sentence is for the sisters. It being in this recap gives absolutely ZERO white ladies permission to repeat it or engage with it beyond a surface level. Leave the one black woman at your office alone. This one is just for her: Wasn’t this some n***a shit?

Let’s be real, “Lexi” is a piece of work. She clearly thought this was gonna be her “Cash Me Outside.” This white girl needed to SETTLE. DOWN. But DeMario? DeMario is on some bulllshiiiiitt. Raise your hand if you’ve had some two-bit chump tell you some nonsense like this, “Uh, I mailed your keys back …” YOU KNOW YOU GOT THOSE KEYS, DEMARIO. “I lost it with her because of how she is now.” YOU KNOW YOU MADE HER LIKE THAT, DEMARIO. “I cut off some communication.” WHAT IS SOME, DEMARIO? You know you wrong.

Rachel takes control of the situation and just sends DeMario home. She straightens her spine and straight-up tells him, “You don’t make sense right now. I don’t know her, but I know I don’t know you either.” DeMario should have known it was over right then. Then she says, “I’m really gonna need you to get the fuck out.” RACHEL. SIS. Come thruuuuu!

Rachel storms out, saying that this isn’t the “shit I signed up for” and she won’t be played. She’s saying she won’t be played by the guys or by the producers. How long did they have that planned? DeMario walks out in the corny-ass basketball jersey he had to play that game in. Rachel goes into the locker room to tell the other contesticles what happened and she sheds a little tear. They’re stunned and pissed at DeMario. They make the best of the after-date party and Rachel looks ah-mah-zing in purplish-gray. Rachel kisses more dudes and gives Josiah the group date rose for protecting her.

It’s finally time for the cocktail party and Rachel also loves a black-and-gold look. She makes sure to hold her dress so her leg comes out that slit. WITH ANOTHER FUR. Unfortunately, the good times are ruined because an unexpected visitor shows up — it’s DeMario. He gives a little speech he rehearsed in his hotel room while he was getting ready. This fool didn’t even put on a tie, but he wants to “speak to her again” because “a lot of stuff broke down” and Lexi “assassinated his character.” Man, you got caught being a fuckboi, your character wasn’t assassinated. Host Chris tells Rachel that it’s up to her and she gets a mischievous smile on her face because she wants to hear what this dude has to say. Before she can get there, the whole house empties into the driveway to protect her honor. I’m into this.

The Bachelorette Recap: Husband Material