Claws Recap: Let the Best Nail Art Win

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Photo: Doug Hyun/Turner Entertainment Networks, Inc.
Claws

Claws

Self-Portrait Season 1 Episode 6
Editor's Rating 4 stars

I’m so excited for my gals to get a win. I’m starting to think of Desna, Polly, Jen, and Quiet Ann as friends. (Virginia too, I guess.) And my bitches got a win this week! There’s some truly bizarre things simmering under the surface. What is up with Gladys? But I can’t sit on that weirdness too long because I didn’t know Nail Palm was a thing and now I am very invested in it. Let’s get to it.

The women are dealing with the realization that Uncle Daddy did what Uncle Daddy does and took things a little too far. The Koonses are dead. Is that how you write that? Koonses? Koons’s? Koonsies? Anyway, they’re dead. Desna is feeling a little unsettled because she didn’t expect that Bryce would carry out the hit and Polly sees the bright side of the whole thing.

Desna just had her first good night of sleep since Roller “died” and Dean already knows. He saw on the news that the Koonseys are dead and he’s glad those assholes are dead. I’m not taking that away from him. Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell.

Jen and Bryce are having coffee in the morning and she wants to make sure he’s feeling okay after the murder. Typical marriage talk. Bryce says he would have gone on a bender before, but now he feels proud that he handled business and Jen rewards him with a morning BJ. Everything is looking up for the gang. Everyone is feeling a little safer and a little better.

Meanwhile in some swamp, Roller is in an outdoor Cialis-commercial-style bathtub while Gladys, the weirdo, hovers over him. She’s started calling him Mr. Anderson and he’s her perfect English suitor sent to her from Heaven. This is unreasonable and I’m uncomfortable with everything that’s happening. She has sex with him and tells him that they’re going to eat tiny ham and cheese sandwiches that don’t fill them up but feel so fancy. Insert obligatory David Brooks joke here.

The women are heading over to Glint Nails to check out the new digs while Ann texts her new bae. After a few racially tinged barbs, the former owner of Glint Nails offers to leave her staff with Desna and Desna says she’s going to hire some new techs so you can take those Barbies and those fake-ass fruit bowls. The Glint Nails crew flushes about 200 tampons down the toilet in what might be television’s cruelest act of sabotage. Virginia heads to have lunch with Relevance and she’s got a new gig dancing in a Tweety Bird costume on a webcam for $400 an hour. Virginia scoffs because she’s got a crew now and doesn’t need to go down that road. Bryce breaks the news that the damage caused by the tampon sabotage will cost $12,000 to fix. Desna planted all her extra money in the Koons’s house. They need that money and they need it fast.

Uncle Daddy wants to see Bryce and Jen and properly thank them … WITH A DAMN HOUSE. Bryce had his best week at the clinic ever and he’s proven himself, so here’s A DAMN HOUSE. They’re going to be in a better school district with a music program and all Bryce has to do is stay at the clinic. Bryce tries to gracefully decline the offer, but Jen is interested in those music classes for the girls.

The women have another run-in with the crew at Glint Nails and they decide the only way to show they’re just as good as Glint Nails (and win $12,000) is to enter the Nail Palm competition and win. Jen tells Desna about the new house and Desna thinks that she should be getting a new house for all she’s done for the Dixie Mafia. Jen offers Desna the money, but Desna doesn’t want handouts. On her lunch break, Desna forgets her purse and a handsome Haitian stranger offers to pay for her meal. He’s a doctor. He has an accent. He wants to take Desna out for dinner. While the crew is excited for Desna’s date, she break the news that Virginia is going to be an alternate on the Nail Palm team and Virginia strolls out.

Meanwhile, Roller is having weird sex all over the house with Gladys and she’s shocking him with the collar he’s wearing when he can’t get it up again for a second round. Also, when she shocks him he immediately goes down on her. She gets a phone call about an art show and because Roller is a player, he starts buttering her up about her artwork.

Desna is interrupted on her date with the Hot Doctor when she gets a call from the Paranoid Doctor. He thinks they’re being staked out, but it’s just Quiet Ann hooking up with Arlene, the detective, in the backseat of an unmarked car. Polly is upset that Desna left her date to solve someone else’s problem and she needs to get a Big O before Nail Palm to ensure a Big V. I’ve had this exact same conversation. The friendships on this show feel real to me. Dean is at Bryce and Jen’s new house and Jen smashes her finger when Bryce suggests he might help Uncle Daddy out more than he let on. Now Jen can’t compete at Nail Palm!

Polly and Quiet Ann are helping Desna get ready for her date and she’s wearing an amazing African print peplum ensemble. She’s freaking out, but when Gregory arrives, she’s excited to see him. Meanwhile, Virginia is on set for the dancing gig but it turns out to be a little more like porn. She freaks out, hides in the bathroom, and calls Desna, effectively cock-blocking her for the second time. She goes with Quiet Ann and a baseball bat to get her out of the bathroom, smashing up the “director’s” place in the meantime.

It’s time for Nail Palm. Before they go in, Desna is nervous and Jen tries to calm her down but the conversation turns to Jen’s new house. Desna sees that they’re already being dragged down and she says they might have to give the house back. Jen snaps that Desna is jealous, but she’s going to cheer her on despite her attitude. She hears Jen’s voice in her head as the rounds fly by. I didn’t know I needed a nail art competition on my TV, but it was worth it. The art is INCREDIBLE. Meanwhile, Roller is ingratiating himself with Gladys and he almost gets her cell phone when she’s leaving, but she comes back for it. It won’t be that easy, Roller.

Desna’s Divas and the ladies from Glint Nails have made it to the final round. It’s a one-on-one, head-to-head nail art self-portrait. Desna is paralyzed with anxiety, but her team cheers her on from the stands and I almost cried. This was beautiful. Desna describes her art like her life right now: chaotic and complicated, but loving. SHE WINS! They get $15,000 and look who’s there to celebrate! Gregory with flowers!

Jen takes Dean home and she discovers some art he’s done of the Koonses with blood coming out of their eyes. He tells Jen that Desna said karma was gonna get them and karma did. Just when things were going so well.

Claws Recap: Let the Best Nail Art Win