The most shocking transformation in last night’s episode of Game of Thrones — even more so than the time Arya transmogrified out of the visage of Walder Frey — came when Euron Greyjoy, the formerly fashion- and morals-challenged king of the Iron Islands, sailed into an audience with Cersei and Jaime Lannister in tight leather pants, a low-cut top, and smokey smattering of eyeliner. Yes, somewhere between Pike and King’s Landing, Euron found himself in an Urban Outfitters from 5 years ago to pick up an outfit inspired by the New York rock scene of 15 years ago, stopped by Burning Man to find himself/get a little wear and tear in his look, and then hung out with Joshua Jackson circa Fringe for some #twinning Instagrams.
Now, this is the “hot” Euron Greyjoy Pilou Asbæk promised us would arrive in season seven of Game of Thrones. After a makeover, Euron’s trying to nab himself a new queen by asking for Cersei’s hand in exchange for the support of his 1,000 ships. Cersei turns him down because he isn’t trustworthy, as evidenced by the fact that he murdered his own brother. “You should try it,” Euron responds. “Feels wonderful.” Unable to take no for an answer, since he’s the embodiment of toxic masculinity and/or pure evil, Euron promises that he’ll win Cersei over with a gift of some sort. (We imagine it’ll be a tattered book of Bukowski poems or one of those trendy plastic balance bracelets that are supposed to remind you of the Himalayas.)
Question is: How hot is “hot” Euron? Cersei’s able to resist his charms, but she’s not exactly an objective judge (she loves her brother, after all). In his favor, he’s figured out how to showcase some of that chest hair. To his detriment, the whole look is very “trying out leather for a bit” and feels uncertain. Pro: Those leather pants leave little to the imagination. Con: The guyliner is a little much. He’s that one college hookup so embarrassing you told your friends he was terrible, but secretly fantasize about to this day. Not hot, necessarily, but there’s some weird attraction there.
Anyone who watched Borgen, a Danish West Wing filled with perfect cheekbones and architect glasses, knows Asbæk best as Kaspar Juul, the tortured spin doctor who works for Theresa from Westworld and has a tortured history with that one Wildling from “Hardhome.” (All the actors from Borgen have somehow found their way from Copenhagen to HBO.) Asbæk is Denmark’s official I Can’t Believe It’s Not Joshua Jackson replacement product — and sadly, for those who are wondering, married to the playwright Anna Bro. As Juul, he was so, so hot, which means that Borgen viewers are probably more likely to join up with the “hot” Euron fleet. Less likely to think “hot” Euron is hot: viewers of Lucy, which made him a weird drug cowboy, and the poor people who watched the Ghost in the Shell remake, which took out his eyes. For now, let’s let the record stand. Pilou Asbæk: Hot! Kaspar Juul: Very hot! “Hot” Euron Greyjoy: Pending. We will keep you, our readers, apprised of any further Euron hotness developments.