In my efforts to search for a new job, I’ve solicited a letter of recommendation from someone who knows me best.
To Whom It May Concern,
I have known Barbara Human Last Name for roughly three quarters of my life. I believe Barbara is an excellent candidate for this or any position. She has many great skills, including but not limited to napping during the middle of the day. She is intelligent, displayed by how often she eats cold raw fish, unceremoniously, standing over the sink in the dead of night. Everyone knows those who are nocturnal are the most alert and aggressive members of their litter. She deftly operates any can opener. She is extremely meticulous and detail oriented. For example, when she’s pawing at a hair that’s gotten into her mouth, she almost always gets the whole piece out without puking on the carpet. Barbara would make an excellent value to any team, because she is a loner, and fiercely protective of her territory. She exhibits understanding of appropriate workplace displays of affection, in that she loves being pet for a specific amount of time, but she will attack aggressively when anyone she doesn’t know or like tries to pet her, or when someone pets her too much, or when someone pets her too hard, or whenever she feels like it.
I love Barbara quite a lot, but that may honestly be becauses she is one of only two human beings I know. She is squishy and great to lie on top of, so I regret to encourage any of her ambitions toward leaving the house. (Luckily there are not too many of these.) However, on the other paw, I do support her getting this job because she needs to have money to buy me wet food. I like wet food a lot and shall not deplore myself to the lowly standards to eat the lowly, crunch dry food, or as I like to think of it, the victuals of peasants. What am I, a goddamn dog? Alas, I digress.
Give Barbara the job. Or don’t. I don’t really care. If I run out of wet food I can always just eat her face when she’s asleep.
Portland comedian Barbara Holm has performed at the San Francisco Sketchfest, the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, the All Jane Comedy Festival, and Bumbershoot Arts festival. She has written for IGN, Live Wire, the Portland Mercury, and the Huffington Post. She has been awarded Time Out New York’s Joke of the Week and was named “one of the best things about comedy in 2012” by the Comedy Bureau. For more information check out barbaraholm.com.