Somewhere in an editing studio in California, an editor sits with his hand hovering over the mouse. “Don’t make me do this,” he says. “They’re good people.”
An ABC executive puts her hand on his shoulder. Gently squeezing, so lightly the editor can’t tell if he’s woken up in a bad dream. How easy it would be to fall asleep right now; to wake up and this would all be over.
“I don’t care if they’re good people.” The executive takes her hand off the editor’s shoulder. The editor feels his whole body relax in that way when you don’t even realize how tense you were.
The ABC executive reaches into her pocket and pulls out her vape. Of course this bitch vapes. “I’ve got a show to sell. I’m trying to make this whole goddamn country fall in love with a personal trainer, a chiropractor, or a different personal trainer. I don’t have time for anyone to feel sorry for … whatever their names are.”
“Their names are Matt and Adam. You. Know. That.” The editor chokes out the words. He sees the anger glint in the eyes of the ABC executive. She takes his hand and clutches it. She lowers his clammy, shaking fist onto the mouse. His panicked eyes turn to the screen and sees the video footage is gone. It’s all gone. Matt and Adam … are gone.
What a filler episode! What a long, drawn-out slog for the most inevitable conclusion. We were supposed to hold out hope that maybe Adam (WHO?) or Matt (WHO?) was gonna pull it off in the end.
“I feel like our relationship is the strongest in the house.”
Why should I listen to you? You’re a virgin who has never been on a one-on-one.
This week, we’re going to Geneva for another sexless wintery trip. Where is the trip to Fiji? Where are the bikinis? I WANT SOME BUTTS! Rachel is looking for a husband and she’s not playing around anymore. She kicks down the hotel suite where the contesticles are waiting for further instructions. She’s wearing all white and having her Olivia Pope moment. I’m surprised she didn’t enter with a giant red wine glass and a tote the size of a large toddler. We’re doing three one-on-one dates and a three-on-one date and she’s not going to tell you twice, you bitches. Bryan, put a goddamn suit on. It’s time for some aggressive and conspicuous luxury. We’re buying paintings Nazis hid in these hills and expensive watches. Adam literally yells, “CURVEBALL, DUDE.”
They drive around Geneva in a Bentley and “Rachel” “buys” them a pair of watches that weren’t donated by Breitling. Can you imagine if she doesn’t pick Bryan? He’s walking away with an $8,000 present. To thank her for the gift, he tackles her next to the watch display case and ravages her while an old Swiss watchmaker … watches. Meanwhile, all the guys are at home speculating about what’s wrong with Bryan and how unfair that he’s already gotten a second one-on-one. Matt and Adam should just start packing their bags right now. I did live for Dean’s read of Bryan: “He’s a 37-year-old man from Miami, swooning and sweet-talking women.” Dean is so classically, tragically white that “from Miami” is also a read.
On the nighttime portion of their date (in an old hall that was decorated by the Phantom of the Opera), Bryan reveals that his ex-girlfriend and his mom couldn’t get along so his girlfriend broke up with him immediately after a wedding in Colombia. Also, who wouldn’t kill for an invite to a Colombian family wedding? Rachel sees past the possibility that Bryan’s mom is a nightmare and she says that she’s on cloud nine with him and gives him the date rose. They stand up and violins are summoned from out of the Swiss air and they make out for approximately 37 minutes.
Up next is Dean’s one-on-one date. Rachel takes him to church. She loves taking impossibly white man-children to church. They wander and roam around the city and Rachel asks Dean to probe her for deeper questions so they can get to know each other and he asks her what her favorite dinosaur is. She gets upset, but it’s an important question. Dean is scared to tell Rachel about his family because, as we see in the preview, his dad defies all explanation. I tried to describe Dean’s dad to my boyfriend, who was watching wrestling instead of The Bachelorette (which is just The Bachelorette for men). “I mean, he’s got a beard, and a turban, but also a button-up? There aren’t any chairs, but there are pillows and three gongs.” How do you think he’s going to explain that to Rachel! Dean is almost ashamed of his relationship with his family, but it comes out that his dad didn’t step up in the way Dean needed after his mom died. He spills all that over fondue and Rachel says she’s not looking for the picture-perfect family. She just wants to understand him better. He gets the rose.
Up next is Peter. For some damn reason, this was another editing misdirect where we were made to believe that he made Rachel cry but somehow Matt did. Peter and Rachel go dogsledding and have a difficult conversation on the top of a mountain. Could they not get into the chalet for the post-sledding discussion? They go on the evening portion of the date and Peter reveals that he might not be ready to propose if something feels wrong. Another example why THE BACHELORETTE SHOULD PROPOSE.
The date card for the remaining three guys shows up and it says, “Tomorrow will be difficult,” and Adam uses the Secret to eliminate the word “difficult” from his vocabulary and understanding of the world. Nothing is difficult. Difficult is nothing. They take a boat to France so Rachel can eliminate men in more European countries. I hoped the boat they took to France would just toss Adam (WHO?) and Matt (WHO?) into the ocean and we could be done with this.
Rachel sits down with Matt (WHO? WHO?) and she starts talking about how similar they are and how in a different situation, maybe they could work it out. In what world? In what universe? Rachel decides that it’s time for Matt (WHO?) to go home and she breaks down crying. ABC, you know you wrong for this one. How are we supposed to sympathize with Rachel in this moment when this episode is the most we’ve ever seen Matt (WHO?) speak? Rachel ends up full-on weeping as she watches him drive away. Sure, I guess.
Then Rachel sits down for dinner with Eric and Matt. Eric talks about his family life and he tells her about how he grew up in a rough neighborhood and he was exposed to things most people would do anything to avoid so he always tries to help people and be positive.
She sits down with Adam and he legit says the following sentence: “Tonight is gonna be the cherry on top of everything I’ve built up so far.” What have you built? The emperor has no relationship here. He talks about how they lay in the grass and watched the clouds go by and he told her a part of him is falling in love with her. What else haven’t we seen? What else are you hiding from us? Well, it doesn’t matter because she is sending Adam (WHO?????) home. Adam does my least favorite thing, which is saying, “You hope she’s not making a mistake” when a woman makes a decision. It’s basically insinuating she’s too stupid to understand what she’s doing and she needs his big bold man brain to double check her math. PASS.
Eric stares at Rachel like he doesn’t know what’s happening and he’s in shock. They press their foreheads together and kiss.