What a ride this season has taken us on. Y’all, that last shot of the episode? It took everything from me. I gasped no fewer than three times. My edges? Gone. I don’t know how Desna could stand it. Let’s go!
The episode starts with Desna at the abandoned amusement park as the Russians are chasing her and Roller. The Nail Artisans gang along with Dean have tracked her cell phone and they’re racing around in the van to find her. They find her cell phone in the car along with one dead Yuri. Things aren’t looking good. They race around the park trying to find her and just as they give up, Desna spots them and takes off running behind the van. Unfortunately for Desna, Roller sees her taking off after the van. The gang pulls her inside and speeds off.
The gang heads off to Jen’s house in case the Russians are trying to kidnap her kids, but Jen is waking up next to “Jews for Jesus” Hank and trying to avoid the wet spot. Jen. Her phone is blowing up, but she’s in a sex haze. Riva is at home with a random baby and one of her enforcers tells her that Yuri died. She assigns “Yuri” to another thug and says she’s ready to show them how they do it in “the other Georgia” and that’s a fucking great line.
Roller warns Uncle Daddy about the Russians coming, and tells him to go protect Bryce’s girls. Uncle Daddy calls Juanda, who is watching the girls while Jen is off having a straight-up affair, and says the Russians are about to start a war. Juanda is excited about the prospect of a war! How fun, I guess. She packs up the girls and grabs her gun and puts them in the car. She goes back into the house and one of the Russians is inside. She raises her gun to shoot him, but her gun is empty and he attacks her. She ends up beating him to death with a statue, but another Russian is on the patio and shoots her. I GASPED. THIS WAS GASP NO. 1.
Uncle Daddy and Bryce head to the house because something doesn’t feel right and they discover Juanda bleeding on the floor. Bryce heads outside to get the girls and Brianne, the black one, is missing. The other daughter is sitting in the backseat with “BRING US ROLLER” written on her forehead. Meanwhile, Uncle Daddy sits with Juanda while she bleeds out. They have a surprisingly emotional scene that almost pulled real tears out of me. She tells him to hurt them really bad before she drifts off into the afterlife. Uncle Daddy is PISSED.
Desna and the gang head back to her house and Dean demands to know why Roller was trying to kill her. When she won’t say, he tells her that she’s making stupid life decisions and she needs to do better. Everyone is trying to find Jen. Virginia knows that Jen has been spending time with Hank, so Desna heads over to his house. She tells Jen what’s happened and Jen blames Desna. Back at the strip club, we finally get some answers out of Roller. He slept with Riva’s niece after she told him she was 25, but she was really 17. Also, he got her pregnant so he’s been sending her $30,000 a month.
Then a giant fight breaks out: Bryce jumps onto Roller and Uncle Daddy jumps into the fray when suddenly “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” by Whitney “the Voice” Houston kicks on. I GASPED AGAIN. This was amazing. The three men are rolling around punching each other and Uncle Daddy is arguing with Todd to turn the music off while Desna just watches. Then all three men start crying and hugging each other. Can a scene win an award? Just the whole scene? This was the best scene on television all week. I don’t care what Game of Thrones does. Roller finally tells Uncle Daddy that Desna and Virginia tried to kill him, but she talks herself out of being shot in the face and Uncle Daddy knows he needs her to get Brianne back.
The Russians want to meet with Desna and she’s been deputized to offer them $250,000 in exchange for Brianne. When Riva isn’t satisfied, Desna offers her 25 percent of Uncle Daddy’s businesses and Riva counters with 100 percent. Desna offers 50 percent and she’ll launder the money for all the businesses in her salon. Meanwhile, Polly meets with Dr. Ken and they’re going to have a strange afternoon once Polly hears her friend trying to sell her daughter, Marnie, to an Elvis impersonator. Polly takes all her money and buys Marnie back for $800 and a few Gucci purses. She cradles Marnie while she cries, but tells her that this pain is all the disappointment about her former life leaving her body. She’s going to teach her everything she knows and Dr. Ken joins in on the comforting. This is one messed-up little family.
Desna presents the offer to Uncle Daddy and he recruits one of his weird turtle business partners to come along and protect them during the deal. Roller rejects the deal, but Uncle Daddy says they’re in this mess because of his dumb ass. They head to a neutral country club with tons of old people. The Russians drag Roller away and give Brianne back to Jen. Riva insists on 100 percent and Uncle Daddy knows that he’s gotta sign it away. BUT UH-OH! The weird business partner comes in and points a gun at Riva and — WAIT, WHAT?! He points the gun at Uncle Daddy! He’s switched sides! Bryce and Dr. Ken manage to take down the goons holding Roller outside, but they’re no match for every old person in the country club, who are all suddenly pointing guns at Uncle Daddy and Bryce. “All of you work for me now,” Riva purrs as she sends everyone out except for Desna. They need to talk.
Desna and the gang are moving into Glint Nails, but she reveals that Riva wants to keep her to launder the money through Nail Artisans because not enough people use cash at Glint. Everyone else agrees to stay with Desna and go back to Nail Artisans.
I’M SORRY, WHAT? We’re just supposed to deal with 1) Desna giving up everything for another white crime boss, and 2) everyone being like “YEAH!” to going back to Nail Artisans. C’mon, give us some more forward movement with Desna’s goals.
Before this infuriating little moment, Virginia pops into the bathroom and we learn that she’s pregnant. Is there a name for this plot device? Finding out you’re pregnant in the last episode of a season? Especially if you don’t tell the father? There should be a name for this.
I’m sure we’ll deal with that train wreck next season, but for now Uncle Daddy goes to see another local crime boss at his trap-warehouse. He tells him that the Russians have upset the whole order of things and it’s going to affect his business. The crime boss turns around …
… AND IT’S THE SUPER-FINE HAITIAN DOCTOR. AND THAT’S THE THIRD GASP.