What, Exactly, Would a Stephen Daldry Obi-Wan Movie Look Like?

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[internal turmoil] Photo: Lucasfilm

After all of the drama over the young Han Solo movie, Disney has decided to double down on Star Wars spinoffs and is planning a film about Obi-Wan Kenobi. On one level, that’s a fairly obvious idea. Along with Boba Fett, another character The Hollywood Reporter says might be the subject of a potential spinoff, Obi-Wan has long seemed like a go-to choice for a stand-alone movie. The question, however, is how Stephen Daldry, a three-time Oscar nominee known for staid and serious dramas like Billy Elliot, The Hours, and The Reader got involved in talks to direct the film. Is Netflix not paying him enough for executive producing The Crown? Was Trash really that bad? Is this in some way related to him directing Wicked? (I mean, no, that movie is never going to happen.)

After Ron Howard was brought in on the Han Solo movie, it seemed that Disney was interested in hiring more established directors to helm their big, expensive projects. But while Daldry certainly has the cred, he’s a lot more idiosyncratic than Howard, and his typical subject matter is light years away from the Star Wars universe. In light of that — and before Daldry’s inevitably replaced by another director — we’ve dreamed up a few possible pitches for a Very-Stephen-Daldry Stephen Daldry Obi-Wan movie.

The Party: A Star Wars Story
We begin in voice-over: “Obi-Wan said he would buy the flowers himself.” The action takes place over the course of a single day. Obi-Wan (Claire Foy in drag) prepares for a party, reads Mrs. Dalloway, and is forever changed.

Young Jedi
As a young Padawan, Obi-Wan (Tom Holland) longs to dance. The Jedi elders refuse to let him. Everything takes place on a planet where there is coal mining.

Obi-Wan: Alderaan
Less a prequel than a mid-quel, the film is a dramatization of the moment Obi-Wan heard “millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror” on Alderaan that were suddenly silenced. The film is shot in extreme close-up amid the chaos of the tragedy. Philip Glass’s score wins an Oscar.

The Parsecs
Obi-Wan (Jacob Tremblay) grows up on a planet comprised entirely of suburbs. His mother (Julianne Moore, weeping) hates her life. His father is never seen.

Star Wars: Anteroom
The film is about palace intrigue in Naboo, and Obi-Wan’s (Matt Smith) role is in fact secondary to Keira Knightley’s (playing her Phantom Menace character playing Natalie Portman). The gowns are fabulous. The dialogue is mostly coughing.

Star Wars: Coruscant Drift
What starts out as a pastoral drama about Obi-Wan bringing civilization to a planet on the edge of the galaxy suddenly shifts gears, becoming a no-holds-barred street-racing movie with tricked-out speeder bikes. (Daldry was replaced by Justin Lin midway through production. Scott Eastwood is cast, fired, and then replaced by Vin Diesel.)

The Sith
In which it is revealed that Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor, performing out of a sense of resigned obligation) once hooked up with an evil, sexy Sith woman (Kate Winslet, in bathtubs). He has mixed feelings about this.

What Would a Stephen Daldry Obi-Wan Movie Look Like?