A woman’s voice booms over the loudspeakers in the crowded arena: “The following match is scheduled for one fall by submission or disqualification!” The lights suddenly switch off in the whole arena and the crowd falls silent. What’s happening? Who could this be? Who is this mysterious opponent? There’s a single beam of light at the top of the entrance ramp and two figures are silhouetted against it in the darkness. The lights come up and reveal the mystery opponents. As the audience’s eyes adjust to the light, they’re squinting to get a glimpse of the two warriors. What’s this … could it be?
Everyone’s favorite babyfaces are dressed in all black with leather and studs. They asked the costume designer to write MEGADETH on their pants, but the costume designer didn’t know MEGADETH doesn’t have an A in it and wrote MEGADEATH on their pants in glitter spangles. You can recognize notes of their previous theme underneath the heavy-metal guitars. They’re back and they’re bad. They’re not taking no for an answer and they don’t give a fuck what you think.
The Jumbotron flashes just two words: THE TWINS.
ABC has tried gimmick after gimmick with these two on every show in this damn franchise. ABC just wants them to get over and they just can’t make it. They’re basically Dolph Ziggler at this point: They’re proficient and fine, but they’re not setting the world on fire even though ABC desperately wants them to. So this is the last option. This is the heel turn for The Twins.
If you don’t watch wrestling, this season of Bachelor in Paradise is The Twins’ “Look What You Made Me Do.”
But we haven’t quite gotten there yet. First to arrive this episode is Jaimi. She’s only known for being bisexual and ethnically ambiguous. Who says this show reduces people to stereotypes? Everyone starts speculating that because she’s BiiiiIIIIiiiisexxxXXXxxxxxxuuuUUUUaalLLLlll she might just ask a woman out and shake everything up. She’s interested in boys and girls, so anything can happen. I mean, that presumes that any of these women are interested in dating a woman because, otherwise, she’s gonna ask out a guy. None of the women have ever said that they’re interested in dating women or even experimenting. They’re all talking about going out with a woman like taking a rock-climbing class or splitting a dessert. It’s just a fun hypothetical. Jaimi also keeps walking around saying, “I’m just taking whatever I want.” Calm down, girl, everyone is in a couple already.
After Jaimi takes all the guys aside and Christen, for some reason (really, what is it with this girl? Is it only the virgin thing?), Jaimi takes out Diggy. They go on a stroll through the town and sit down with some margaritas. While they’re on their date, Dominique has a full-on pout fest. She’s concerned that Diggy would go on another date while they’re getting to know each other. She’s worried that Diggy might fall for Jaimi and leave her in a lurch. As if she didn’t just go out with Freddy yesterday. C’mon, Dominique. Diggy and Jaimi have a perfectly fine date. The intrigue of these dates is getting thin and they are certainly lacking in romance. It was just watching two people at a sidewalk café make out.
The Twins are back and they’re very excited to declare their new bad-girl attitude. They aren’t taking no for an answer. They’re going to ask out Whoever. They. Want. Well, except Derek, who one of The Twins really wanted to ask out but everyone said it was a bad idea. The other Twin wants to ask out Dean because he’s soft like a Beanie Baby.
We all know The Twins and Taylor Swift all voted for Trump, right?
Also, are The Twins even a catch? They are nebulously employed, they think Mexico is an island and scallops are sprouts, and they are just blonde. Is that where the bar is for white women? “Just be blonde” and you’ll have everyone tripping over their tongues to get to you?
They sit down with Amanda to get the lay of the land and ignore everyone else. Amanda tells them that Christen is “Scallop Fingers.” WAS AMANDA EVEN THERE WHEN THAT STORY HAPPENED? This story isn’t nearly as funny as everyone thinks it is and I need everyone to back up off it. The Twins also go off on a tirade about how weird all the guys this season have been, and while I don’t disagree, it’s a bit much. One of The Twins sits down with Dean to ask him on a date and he claims that it’s a disservice to Danielle and Kristina to go out with The Twins.
Hold up, Dean. It’s a disservice to Kristina? Going out with The Twins is a disservice to Kristina? He claims that because Kristina went home so he could pursue a relationship with Danielle, it wouldn’t be right for him to go out with The Twins because … it would violate Kristina’s memory? Issa stretch, Dean. Anyone else get the feeling that Danielle and Dean’s relationship was only exciting to them because it was all sneaking around and moral ambiguity? They’re trying to make a meal out of just thinking the other person is hot. Dean turns down one of The Twins and they both set their sights on their second choices: JACK STONE and Tickle Monster.
One thing that makes The Twins appearance this round supremely unfun is that they want to keep calling the other women terrible names for no reason. Danielle told The Twins if Dean wanted to go out, she wouldn’t care. It’s his decision and I don’t think they even talked to Christen, but they sit around and call the other women “shallow, ugly whores.” Christ on a cracker. That’s not even funny or charming. That’s just mean and regressive and ugly in a way that feels low even for Bachelor in Paradise.
The Twins are ready for their evening date and they’re SHRIEKING at their dates to get ready. I mean, shouting across the beach and saying, “I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY.” Yo, dude. Yes, you do. You’re literally on a dating reality show. I’m sure production can push whatever dolphin-drawn carriage ride through the town square back a couple minutes. Then JACK STONE makes the biggest mistake of his life and tells The Twins he’d rather spend his evening with Christen.
The Twins GO OFF and it’s not pretty and it’s not funny. It’s just cringe-worthy. Did they expect us to relate to them? Or laugh at JACK STONE? They say, “Are you kidding me? I asked you out to be nice. Do you really think I want to go out with a serial killer?”
I hate to break it to you, sweetie, but the real tragedy is “a serial killer didn’t want to go out with you.” The Twins flip out and scream, “Fuck everybody here!” and storm out. They throw scallops down the stairs at the beach. This isn’t a bit. This is something that actually happened. They weren’t there for the scallop story either!
After a brief montage of all the established couples, Host Chris gathers them up on a patio to tell them that this is their last day in Paradise. Thank God. Whoops. Didn’t mean to type that.
Also, can we talk about the fact that Robby is wearing a halter top? It’s a T-shirt that he tried to cut the sleeves off, but cut them on an angle and ended up with a halter top.
Next week is the finale and the reunion and — DEAR GOD, THEY’RE MAKING DEMARIO AND CORINNE SIT DOWN TOGETHER! WHY?!
Note: This season of Bachelor in Paradise was shut down for “allegations of misconduct” involving Corinne Olympios and DeMario Jackson. After a Warner Bros. investigation found no evidence of misconduct, production resumed. Vulture will continue recapping the season while providing resources for survivors of sexual harassment and assault.
I will be donating a portion of my writing fee to survivors of sexual assault. Join me this week by donating to RAINN. If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual assault or harassment, please call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with RAINN’s network of service providers.