Not only is there a two-hour elimination episode tonight, there’s a Very Special Episode of Family Feud preceding it, featuring members of Shark Tank versus members of Dancing With the Stars. Sure, I had other things to do — like feed my dog or rehearse my lines for my upcoming play — but the chance to see Steve Harvey trade witty repartee with that blonde lady from QVC is too much to resist.
So here I am, watching extremely well-paid entrepreneurs and performers give dumb answers to even dumber questions. I’m disappointed because only three of the actual Sharks from the Tank bothered to show up. What’s the matter, Mark Cuban? Too busy to answer the question, “Name something you hope a man hasn’t had in his mouth right before kissing you?” As I read that last sentence back, I can say with reasonable certainty that Mark Cuban is, in fact, too busy to answer that question.
It’s a fun half-hour of Feud, marred only by the fact that Steve Harvey didn’t pull a Steve Harvey and announce that the winner of this season’s Dancing With the Stars is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Okay, the main event is beginning. The theme is Latin Night, and I’d really love to watch this episode while eating a huge plate of cheese-laden nachos and a frosty margarita. But, since I’m perpetually watching my weight, I’m nibbling on a rice cake that I sprinkled with some taco seasoning instead.
Nikki Bella, the WWE wrestler, is up first, doing a samba to the song “Despacito,” which is great, because I only heard that song 300 times on the radio today. Judge Len just pronounced the first syllable of samba “SAM,” as in “Sam I Am.” SAM-ba instead of saam-ba. For some reason, this infuriates me. If he keeps this up, I’m going to contact Homeland Security and ask them to revoke his passport.
Okay, now they’re making each contestant take a swing at a piñata. This could, of course, be construed as a bit racially insensitive, except for the fact that the piñata is made from tinfoil and looks like the world’s largest Jiffy Pop.
Here comes Victoria Arlen doing the rumba. And it’s her birthday. And she was paralyzed for ten years. And she seems like a sweet girl. So she should win tonight. Unless Terrell Owens takes his shirt off again during his dance. Then screw her, I’m rooting for T.O.
Judge Len pronounces rumba correctly. He’s safe for now.
Derek Fisher, the basketball player, has taken the stage and is dancing the paso doble. I’ve never heard of the paso doble. But he’s showing his abs, so I guess I’m a fan. Len didn’t even attempt to pronounce paso doble, so I think he’s onto me and doesn’t want to get deported. Judge Bruno is getting very worked up about Derek’s performance, so obviously he didn’t read my recap of last night’s episode where I advised he be tamed with a tranquilizer dart.
Actress Sasha Pieterse is the next dancer. The theme of her routine is Prom Night. Her routine reminded me of MY prom night, except that on my prom night I didn’t do a tightly choreographed routine with a gorgeous guy. Instead, I was sitting in my parents’ living room, sobbing into a gallon of Rocky Road. Sasha gets a score of 22, which coincidentally is the number of zits I got after eating that gallon of ice cream.
Here comes Nick Lachey doing the Argentine tango and, for the record, doing a damn good job. If he danced any more Latin, Trump would build a wall around him. Judge Len Goodman says it lacked passion, and if there’s anything you think of when you think “passion,” it’s Len Goodman.
We’re almost halfway through the show, and I’m noticing that Tom Bergeron isn’t his perky Tom Bergeron self. I hope he’s okay. Maybe he’s got the flu and is running a fever, but being the seasoned pro he is, he dragged himself to the DWTS studio to do his job. If we’re lucky, he’ll sneeze on Len and we won’t have to listen to him say SAM-ba for a couple of weeks.
Next is Jordan Fisher doing the samba. I really can’t concentrate on the dance, because I’m just waiting to hear how Len pronounces samba. I know this isn’t fair to Jordan, but SAM-ba? Really? Why not just pronounce it SOOM-ba? Or SEEEEEE-ba? Or SAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAM-ba, for that matter.
Okay, the audience is going nuts. I’m gonna have to go back and watch the performance. Also, Len completely sidestepped saying the word samba. I just threw a rice cake at my TV.
Drew Scott is next, and he just ripped his shirt open to show off his abs. I haven’t been that disappointed since I listened to Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy. He does a rumba and Judge Len says it’s Drew’s best dance yet. Way to throw around the compliments, Len. His BEST! Out of TWO! Someone’s feeling generous, huh?
Anyway, Drew broke the Jiffy Pop piñata and nothing fell out! It’s empty! Good Lord, is the budget for DWTS so tight that they couldn’t afford to put something in that pathetic piñata? I’m thinking of starting a GoFundMe to fill it.
And here’s my Celebrity Apprentice friend Debbie Gibson doing the Argentine tango. She’s doing a great job, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for her. But only for a minute, because I have to finish typing this damn article and it’s difficult to type with crossed fingers.
Now Vanessa Lachey is up with a salsa. As I said after last night’s episode, being in a dance competition with your spouse is a slippery slope. I don’t know about Vanessa and Nick, but if a husband of mine did a spot during one of my comedy shows and did better than me, it would be a looooooong ride home.
Vanessa gets a 23, compared to Nick’s 19. You know what that means: Looooooong ride home.
Terrell Owens is up next, and I fully expect him to be nearly topless since he was for last night’s dance. Hold on … for some insane reason, he’s chosen to wear a shirt, even though the song he’s dancing to is saying, “IT’S GETTING HOT IN HERE, SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES.” False advertising, T.O.! Don’t let it happen again!
Tom Bergeron has perked up a bit. Still not up to Normal Bergeron levels, but I’m pretty confident that his fever has broken.
Violinist Lindsey is coming up next to do a salsa. I’m still amazed that someone can get famous by playing the violin. It’s like getting famous by tapping on a telegraph or churning butter. It’s 2017, Lindsey! Buy a synthesizer. Okay, Lindsey just got a 24, so she’s clearly doing something right.
We move on now to Frankie Muniz, and I’ve just noticed that he bears an uncomfortable resemblance to Lee Harvey Oswald. Now, I’m not saying he’s dangerous, but I wouldn’t let him near a book depository. Whoa! He just got a 25 for his cha-cha, so Malcolm Is at the Top. (I told you I’d reuse that joke.)
It’s elimination time and — DAMMIT — they voted Debbie Gibson off! I’m pissed. A little because she’s my friend, but mostly because I was counting on getting free tickets to the show from her.
So, what have I learned from this episode? There’s a lot of dry-humping in Latin dancing, Len Goodman can’t say the word samba, and the only way I’ll be sitting in that studio watching the show live is if Terrell returns my phone calls.
Lisa Lampanelli can be seen in her upcoming play, Stuffed, at the Westside Theatre in New York City starting Thursday, October 5. For tickets, go to StuffedPlay.com.