I’d like to begin by thanking you for choosing our Past Life Regression services over similar, albeit less-experienced, providers available. The goal of our enterprise is to offer you insight into previous lives your soul has led. Through the assistance of our certified guides, you can dissect and analyze the ways in which your past lives could be influencing your current one!
For legal purposes, we must notify you why we are now eradicating you from our system, and forbidding you from making further requests. After glancing at our records, I gather that you employed multiple guides for home visits by taking advantage of our satisfaction guarantee. We escorted you through an unprecedented six journeys into regression, and I must now draw the line and refuse to administer more tests. For patients, our sessions can be invasive, emotionally exhausting, and occasionally traumatic, and to continue at your current rate could trigger severe mental damage. Additionally, our certified guides are insistent that your results are correct and they are no longer willing to spend time with you, only for you to repeatedly chastise them before, during, and after the proceedings.
When we delivered your first results, declaring that you were once a mid-century Groom of the Stool, you were confused. We explained in clear detail that meant you were a key member of the royal staff, cleaning your employers’ bottoms after removing their excrement. You said, “Yeah, yeah I get it,” and hastily ushered us out of your home. Immediately after, you called us with a request to send another guide over, expressing dissatisfaction. Because customer service is important to us, we directed a more seasoned professional your way.
When he arrived, you defensively claimed that you were “a little sidetracked” during the previous visit, and “had a lot going on at work that day.” Then, after finding and downing an open bottle of tequila, you admitted that you had clogged the toilet in your boss’s executive bathroom, and you believed it caused you to create a false regression result based on all the time you’d spent thinking about removing your abnormally weighty dung from the plumbing. We gave you the benefit of the doubt, as most clients are rightly bemused by the great beyond during their first visit, and nerves can deliver cloudy readings.
It was at the beginning of the second treatment when we required you to re-read our waiver, detailing that not all results are glamorous, a disclaimer we are legally obligated to reiterate during our allotted QVC airtime. Our society today allows greater freedoms than ever before, so it is rare for a modern citizen to have lived an exciting life centuries ago.
After the results of your second regression, we were taken aback when you demanded us to make another trip out. This time, when our specialist arrived, you appeared to be under a heavy drug cocktail influence, and were seemingly so astounded that a woman was attending to you that you spent the majority of your session lamenting how regression is a male-dominated field. (I must stress that this is, in fact, not true. There is no data proving any one type of person is more prominent in our extremely small community of licensed Clairvoyance Schoolä graduates.) From there, you claimed your results as a gravedigger to be impossible, because you apparently have “super bad upper body strength” and “the way dead people reek makes you want to barf all over the place.”
After four more regressions, we unveiled your other past lives, peeling back the layers of your personal history as a widowed ferret breeder in the plains of Peru, an orphan who drowned in a hot tub accident, a freelance puzzle cutter during the Ming Dynasty, and, most recently an HR representative in Detroit. That was your final straw. You screamed slurs at one of our company’s founders, threatened legal action due to our “fraudulent assumptions,” and forced him to leave while howling that he should only return when he gets divorced and is ready for a real woman.
However, despite your unsatisfactory results, I write bearing great news! After you required all six of our guides to lead your 40-pound Calico, Booger, through brief journeys as some sort of continual series on your Instagram Story, we made a staggering discovery. I am thrilled to inform you that his results show, to our great surprise, he is the current soul container for Abraham Lincoln. Due to our strict protocol, we’ve contacted the Smithsonian, who should be in touch within the next 24 hours about sequestering Booger. Do not try to run. While you were pounding Xanax bars during our final visit, we planted a microchip in Booger’s bloodstream to track his whereabouts. Please don’t view this as a loss, for we plan to cryopreserve his brain, and have attached a pamphlet regarding the taxidermy process that will follow his immediate extermination upon arrival at the center.
Thank you again, for choosing our services, and for your Booger’s great contribution to our country’s history.
Shana Gohd lives, writes, and gets stomachaches in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter.