The Real Housewives of Dallas
The women of Dallas have occupied Mexico. Apparently unbothered by the prospect of a surprise TSA screening, Brandi brought along a massive, dark-brown dildo, which she refers to as “Sexual Chocolate.” (Brandi.) She sees it as a litmus test to determine who among them is truly down to clown, and so she hides the rubber Excalibur in D’Andra’s bag.
It isn’t long before, at a taco and tequila tasting on the beach (more of a tequila drinking, really), D’Andra discovers what’s hiding in her purse. She takes its contents in stride. She pulls the dildo out, brandishing it in Brandi’s face. “It has a pee hole and everything,” exclaims Stephanie gleefully, forever the Tweedledee to Brandi’s Tweedledum. The blurred but nevertheless visibly jiggling dildo is truly an achievement on the part of the RHOD postproduction team.
Kameron, who is 10 percent human woman, 90 percent stick-up-butt, finds the sex toy unspeakably horrifying, despite the fact that — let’s be real — it is a factory-fresh, brand-new product that has far fewer bacteria on it than anybody’s iPhone. Naturally, Brandi chases Kam with the dildo, asking her, “Are you sad that this isn’t pink?” (Raise your hand if you think that the Housewives are being twice as weird about the dildo than they otherwise would be because of some vague, penis-based racism.) The resort staff stands at attention a short distance away throughout all of this. I hope to God they’re getting enormous tips, and I do mean cash ones.
Kam refers to the dildo-based chaos as “girls gone extra wild,” which leads me to believe she does not fully comprehend the premise of Girls Gone Wild. Leeanne buries the dildo, which at this point qualifies as a Friend of the Housewives, in the sand. She and D’Andra are on Kameron’s side: Brandi should have dropped it, literally and figuratively. Personally, I would much rather vacation with Brandi and Stephanie, whether or not Sexual Chocolate is invited.
As they’re getting dressed up for the evening, LeeAnne finally tells D’Andra that she and Rich are engaged. D’Andra cries happy tears, explaining in a confession that facing “the reality of dying alone” has bonded her to LeeAnne, given that they’re both only children without kids of their own. Maybe don’t write that in the wedding card, but sure! Dinner quickly devolves into The Dildo Argument 2: Electric Boogaloo, in which Brandi and Kameron return to the fundamental conflict between them: class. Kam looks down on Brandi for her “disgusting” manners and her less-than-prime zip code, or so Brandi believes (but I mean, yeah, Kameron definitely does). “Do you not fart? Do you not burp?” Brandi asks her blonde nemesis, sounding positively Shakespearean. After miming slitting her throat with a table knife (so one of the things in her hands is a knife!), LeeAnne takes this opportunity to announce to the rest of the group that she and Rich got engaged, showing off her ring. Everyone is thrilled and Sexual Chocolate is forgotten. At least, for now.
On day two of their Mexico trip (I’m sorry, that was just 24 hours? I guess one day in human years is seven days in dildo years), LeeAnne complains to D’Andra over breakfast that her frenemy slash possible future strangling victim Cary was too enthusiastic over her engagement. How dare she? Brandi joins Stephanie for Champagne in a massive bubble bath and nearly gets lost in the suds. (Yes, I also hope that housekeeping gets an absurdly large tip of their own.)
They all reunite to eat dinner in a cave (but like, a fancy cave), where the tequila shots just keep on coming. Brandi suggests they play two truths and a lie, a game Cary — who earlier told Brandi and Stephanie she heard that Rich has a small penis — immediately derails when her turn comes up. She reclaims her time, confronting LeeAnne right at the table in front of everyone about threatening to strangle her. LeeAnne calmly offers the best possible response: “I wish you were the only person that I threatened to kill.” Fair enough!
But then this weather system evolves ever so slightly, and what looked like a developing LeeAnne vs. Cary showdown for the ages shifts to an unexpected Brandi vs. Cary skirmish. As Brandi does her best to remain diplomatically neutral, Cary grows frustrated that she got her raring to fight with LeeAnne in the first place. As for what Brandi said to LeeAnne about Cary telling her that her own surgeon killed people on the operating table? Cary categorically denies it. “I never said that, Brandi, ever in a fucking million years,” she snaps. Wait, what? Why would Brandi make that up?
In a confessional, Cary suspiciously walks back her stance: Yes, Brandi called and asked for advice on her short list of ten surgeons. If Cary did say one of them killed somebody … well, she wouldn’t have made that up! That whole speech reads to me as part non-denial, part post-lie damage control. I’m #TeamBrandi on this one — and failing that, #TeamSexualChocolate.