While Paul Thomas Anderson’s Phantom Thread is mostly a showcase for Daniel Day-Lewis’s world-class acting, the film also serves as a veritable treasure chest of shade, overflowing with masterful one-liners. Day-Lewis, Lesley Manville, and Vicky Krieps dish it out with such cold-blooded ferocity that it reminds us all that, even in the aristocratic world of haute couture, the occasional “fuck off” is much needed. For your convenience — and hopeful future use — here are Phantom’s best insults and put-downs, with applicable scenarios to boot.
For when someone is being especially salty in the morning:
“I cannot start my day with a confrontation. I simply have no time for confrontations.”
For when your friend needs to just dump their S.O. already:
“She’s getting fat sitting around waiting for you to fall in love with her again.”
For when someone is posting too many self-idolizing Instagrams:
“You have the ideal shape. He likes a little belly.”
For when someone disagrees with your clothing choice:
— “The fabric is right because it’s right. Maybe one day you’ll change your taste.”
— “Maybe I won’t.”
— “Maybe you have no taste.”
For when someone’s moving too goddamn much:
— “Please don’t move too much.”
— “I’m just buttering my toast. I’m not moving too much.”
— “You are. Don’t move too much.”
— “Maybe you’re paying too much attention.”
— “It’s like you just rode a horse across the room!”
For when someone distracts you from your creative process:
“The tea is leaving, but the interruption is staying right here with me.”
For when someone is being a drunken idiot in your favorite dress:
“It is no business of ours how Mrs. Rose behaves, but she can no longer act like this and be dressed by the House of Woodcock.”
For when somebody has made you some shitty asparagus:
“I’m admiring my own gallantry for eating it the way you prepared it.”
For when someone is a sore loser (and you want to be a sore winner):
— “This is a stupid game.”
— “You see it as stupid because you’re losing. I imagine if you were victorious, you’d see it in a different light. Now get up, I need that chair for my next opponent.”
For when someone’s complaining too much:
“I don’t like to hear it because it hurts my ears.”
For when someone can’t get onboard with your #lifestyle:
“If it’s my life you don’t agree with, then you don’t have to share it. Why don’t you fuck off back to where you came from?”
For when someone tests you:
“Don’t pick a fight with me, you won’t come out alive. I’ll go right through and you’ll end up on the floor.” [Note: This line is most effective if you sip tea immediately after using it.]
