Hey, remember how we left Gus and Jeremiah teetering on the precipice of a huge fight? Well, never mind, they’re fine. But the question of who said they were betting on seducing Nilsa’s friend Katrina remains, even though you and I and anyone watching Floribama Shore all know the answer. Despite being the unequivocal source of the rumor, Codi continues to feign ignorance, suggesting in the cab that “Nilsa overheard somebody saying something.” Codi, I’m pretty sure you are fully aware that that “somebody” was you. Did you forget you were all being constantly filmed for a reality-television program?
But Nilsa speaks a truth that is blazing and righteous: She saw Goody Codi with the Devil. An impromptu trial unfolds in the living room, complicated by the fact that drunk people are not known for their accurate recall of events. Codi insists he did not say the word “bet,” which, well, he did. Katrina, meanwhile, is still very much crying, to the point that I’m beginning to worry about her hydration level. Our hero retreats to bed while everyone else to stays up to converse about just what a shit-stirrer Codi — particularly his alter ego, Drunk Codi — can be. This misunderstanding seems like it would be so easy to explain, but then again, I personally do not have unfettered access to 75-cent beers.
The atmosphere in the house is still tense the next morning, when Codi gets a unexpected call from his father: His grandfather has passed away. Codi is devastated, and in an instant, all those who were furious with him just hours before throw themselves into full-on consolation mode. The housemates join hands for a spontaneous prayer and envelop Codi in a warm group hug before he leaves for home. When I first saw a poster for Floribama Shore on the subway (with at least one cast member’s face defaced with a pen mustache that does not belong to them), I can’t say I expected this show to repeatedly reaffirm my faith in human compassion, but it’s 2018, and here we are.
Reeling from this unexpected loss, Jeremiah encourages his housemates to invite their families to come visit. Candace is particularly interested in meeting their parents, because “all y‘all got issues.” Everyone is onboard — including Gus’s mom, who lives a 13-hour drive away — except for Jeremiah’s parents. At least his brother Josh is en route to see Nilsa, who is so giddy I feel like she might start levitating like she just shotgunned a tallboy of Fizzy Lifting Drink. Her barrel-chested freedom fighter is in full Prince Charming mode, bringing his lady love slash hunch partner a plush unicorn as a token of his affection. Josh asks her to out on a mini-golf date that very night But the epic romance of Panama City Beach’s own star-crossed lovers ends far too quickly. As they canoodle in the pool that afternoon, Nilsa mentions she missed her ex a couple weeks ago and gave him a ring. This was before she met Josh, but he nevertheless sours on her immediately.
“I really probably don’t want to go on this date,” he announces to Nilsa a while later. Her mentioning an ex is a “red flag,” he says. In his estimation, there is no way she’s ready for a serious relationship. On the one
hand foot on the headboard, I appreciate Josh’s insistence on transparent communication. (Also, kind of a weird thing to mention, Nilsa!) On the other, this does seem like a liiiittle bit of an excuse. The call happened before Nilsa knew Josh existed. The two of them haven’t been on an actual date yet, let alone discussed their romantic intentions with one another. Does mini golf really constitute an eternal entwining of two souls?
Nilsa, who hasn’t felt this way about anyone since her divorce, begins to sob. She announces she’s going home, but thankfully, our friendly neighborhood princess goddess mermaid is on hand to Coach Taylor her the hell out of it. “You’ve know this dude for a week,” Aimee says, correctly. “Fuck him.” You know what? She’s right! It’s their last Saturday in the house (“Aww, no,” I say out loud, to myself) and Nilsa has exactly the chichi-revealing dress to get her groove back. But the presence of Josh at the club complicates that plan, even if Jeremiah is delighted to have a dance partner as goofy as he is. (It’s hereditary.) When she isn’t too busy getting bummed out watching her would-be beau dance up on every female mammal in sight, Nilsa takes a quick break to puke in the bathroom.
But Fairy Godmother Aimee hasn’t exhausted her supply of magic cheer-up dust just yet. Back home, she calls up her monstrous ex on the gator phone, demanding two large, thin-crust pepperoni pizzas, as you do. Then she asks him when his birthday is, because she got him a present: “I’m gonna shit on your porch, bitch!” The pranking is contagious, as Nilsa excitedly runs up and takes the phone to address the former Mr. Aimee as a “pussy-ass biiiiiitch.”
Kirk, who is so drunk-sleepy he can hardly keep his eyes open, is not feeling this ex-taunting behavior. “I just wish my roommates were real,” he says to no one in particular. “That’s all I ask.” He and Aimee — who by this point is making herself a sandwich — start yelling at each other, mostly about how they’re yelling at each other. She throws a squeezable bottle of mayo at him when he approaches her, then pushes him back over a coffee table. Aimee! We do not hit in this family!
We’ll end with a quick Kortni update: Our queen gamely blows up an inflatable pool bull via its ass air valve. Until next week!