The Real Housewives of Atlanta
She has arrived. The one and only EVA. THE. DIVA. And she has brought the drama with her. For all the stragglers and hangers-on on this iteration of the franchise, you can’t be mad at someone who brings a juicy piece of gossip and the receipts. You can’t be mad at someone who is willing to hit a dude with “What we’re not about to do.” Because that is a bitch who did not come to play and that is what a franchise needs. It doesn’t need someone who isn’t bringing a story line (SHAMEA). But we gotta wade through a lot of other weirdness until we get to that gossip, so let’s dig in.
Porsha opens up the episode by having Kim over to tell her about the trip to Houston and Kenya’s meltdown. Porsha has lured Kim over to her house with a vegan dinner because Kim is a vegetarian and it’s not a big leap to vegan, and because Kim is the only person willing to film with Porsha right now. Kim brings the interest in this little interaction by insisting again that Kenya’s marriage is a sham and she’s not getting laid. Porsha reveals that Kenya was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend in his truck at McDonald’s. Well, maybe not McDonald’s, per se, but something along those lines. A Jack in the Box. A Sonic. Something with a drive-through. My favorite Kim moment is when she asks for a plate for Kroy, who is apparently waiting out in the car with red Solo cups.
Meanwhile, Kandi takes Ace to an event space because she’s going to throw a party for her Essence cover. It’s pretty easy to hate on Kandi and her cold exterior, but you can’t put into words how amazing an Essence cover is. Kandi deserves every bit of a party that she wants. I will let everyone hate on the fact that she’s rehired Carmon for the event because employment end dates still mean nothing to her. DonJuan’s chief concern is if Kandi is going to invite Porsha. Kandi says to send her an invite, so Porsha can see what winning looks like. Hey! Porsha is winning. Porsha is gonna be in some play.
Cynthia is having Will over for sushi and she’s going to cook. Cynthia. Sushi isn’t something that you can just wing. She’s decided that today is the day to define that relationship. I do not envy Cynthia trying to get some 41-year-old scrub to commit. Cynthia also isn’t looking for Will to commit because she’s still enjoying her year of singlehood after Peter and turning 50. They come to an agreement that they both like, which is that they’ll effectively ignore the issue and just go on doing what they’re doing. Will is a little more eager to commit than Cynthia, and he says he’s ready to settle down and he’s not ready to get hurt again. Did he study Big’s lines from that Sex and the City episode where he gets heart surgery?
NeNe heads out to lunch with Eva the Diva! NeNe shows up in her best Lady Gaga–in–Joanne drag and gives us Eva Marcille’s résumé. We don’t need her résumé. We know who she is. She’s dating a mayoral candidate in Atlanta (whose website has expired), and she’s sending her daughter to a school in Atlanta. She’s got some free time and she needs some new friends. NeNe is going to bring Eva to some of their social events and show her off.
Meanwhile, Kenya is out shopping for some exercise equipment for her husband’s birthday. She’s with her cousin, and her cousin asks Kenya if her husband is going to be in Atlanta more often. Listen, I don’t want to tell anyone how to be in a relationship or judge from the outside, but God damn, Kenya’s relationship sounds bleak. She doesn’t know if her husband is going to move to Atlanta. She’s hoping he’ll move. You don’t hope your husband does something. You talk about it and make it happen. She also says that, at one point, they were buying a car together, and he bought a stick shift even though she can’t drive it and doesn’t like it. Yiiiiiiiiiikes.
The worst part is when Kenya starts describing how hard it is to be a wife, and how different it is than being a girlfriend. She starts saying, “You always have to keep your energy up and be sexy.” At first, I thought she was talking about being a girlfriend, or the very early part of the relationship. Nope, she continues: “Keep the travel schedule. Do we have washing powder for the clothes? Take care of the dogs. Is my husband happy with the walk I took the dogs on?” We’re gonna have to start calling Kenya “Ofmarc.” Kenya says she’s not a stay-at-home wife. Bitch, you sound like a stay-at-home wife. At the very least, your idea of a relationship seems to have formed in the 1950s and never updated. Also, those are all things you do when you’re worried that your boyfriend is going to leave you. You worry about your energy level when you’re worried he’s gonna stop having fun and leave you. I was under the impression that a husband would leave you alone for a day or two if you were feeling under the weather, not get in his manual transmission truck and drive on out of your life.
On the way to Kandi’s party, Eva reveals to NeNe that she met Will a couple of months ago, and he said he was with his girlfriend. It sounds like there might have been a little overlap between Cynthia and this mystery cigar-bar woman — or at the very least, Will wasn’t completely honest about his dating timeline.
Friends pile into the event space for Kandi’s party and LaTavia from Destiny’s Child is there, and that’s a celebrity sighting for me. Porsha stands around awkwardly waiting for Kandi to acknowledge her, and she still doesn’t understand why Kandi wouldn’t want to hang out with her. The most exciting part of the party is when the ladies get together to discuss the gossip that Eva has brought with her in her clutch.
Let’s look at the story:
1. Will told Cynthia that he’s not dating anyone else.
2. Will told Cynthia that he’s been single for two-and-a-half years.
3. Eva ran into Will with a woman who was introduced as his girlfriend at a cigar bar.
4. Eva found out that woman was close to Will’s daughter.
5. This meeting was four days before Will and Cynthia’s relationship became public.
6. Will is on Instagram claiming that he’s campaigning for Eva’s boyfriend, whose website is expired.
When all this information is laid out, Will doesn’t really have a good response. The most he can muster is that he was focused on being a perfect gentleman for Cynthia and now that’s impossible. Wait. What? Sir?
Cynthia knows that they’re not exclusive, but she doesn’t want to date him if he has a girlfriend. Cynthia, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You’re amazing and “him not having a girlfriend” is like the absolute minimum for a boyfriend. Will decides that he doesn’t want to be a part of this conversation anymore and asks Gregg if he can go get a drink. Doesn’t he know that Gregg ain’t sticking his neck out for anybody? Will also says that he’s not voting for Eva’s boyfriend. Cynthia doesn’t have any shoes on. This has taken a toll on her. Everyone comes outside to comfort her, but before we see “To be continued,” Porsha says that she’s heard something about Will, too.
To be continued …