We’ve had back-to-back dates where the likelihood of getting a concussion is high. Is that the only way producers can imagine that any of these women would be interested in Arie? If they all had minor head trauma? Next week, half the ladytestants are going to play football with old-timey leather helmets and the other half are going to work on a construction site without proper headgear. Let’s keep track of everyone’s pupils and get into this episode!
It’s the morning after the rose ceremony and Bibiana is still furious with Krystal interrupting her time, while Krystal is mostly concerned with how the sunlight hits her cheekbones. They both basically say that they’re women who won’t be messed with, but all they do is talk vaguely about it to a producer during their in-the-moment interview. Neither of these women are really about that life. Well, there might be a chance for some action during the group date. Maquel, Jaqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, and Krystal all head off in their best Fabletics and LuluLemon workout gear.
They arrive at a community center with a makeshift wrestling ring. The group date this week will be an “episode” of GLOB: The Gorgeous Ladies of (the) Bachelor! What better than a wrestling franchise that walked that line between exploiting stereotypes and “empowering women” to be featured on The Bachelor. They should have made every woman dress up as whatever internet commenters said about them. Krystal as a sexy baby! Bekah as a sexy baby! Everyone is a sexy baby! Arie likes blonde Sexy Babies!
Host Chris introduces Arie as “the Kissing Bandit!” He comes out in a suit and a mask. They are really phoning in the fun with this nickname. First, they didn’t even get him a GLOW-inspired costume and we still haven’t seen him with this shirt off. This would have been the PERFECT opportunity to see if he has abs. If I have to pretend that he’s “an interesting person,” then I need to see some abs. Two of the women from the original GLOW, Angela and Ursula, are there to teach the women how to wrestle, but conveniently leave out any safety tips.
For the rest of this episode, take a drink every time someone says that they are in or out of “their element.”
Some of the ladies throw themselves into the challenge and into each other. There are a few who struggle and Angela and Ursula from GLOW tell them that they’re pathetic and they should shut up. More people in this franchise need to be reminded that they’re pathetic. Bibiana talks back to Angela and Angela asks her if her mother knew how to spell when she gave her that name. Bibiana acts stunned that Angela would say something so hurtful to her and it came out of nowhere. Nah, bitch. I was on your side during your little fake feud with Krystal, but you can’t talk back to someone whose job was to wrestle DURING THE ’80s. She lived through Reagan as an adult. Bibiana and Tia can’t handle Angela and Ursula telling them that they’re not good enough and they go sit and cry in the corner. Tia says she can’t handle the bad vibes. She’s been in L.A. too long.
It’s time for everyone to get suited up and head into the ring. The producers clearly bought a few sexy Halloween costumes, then left them around the dressing room and told everyone to figure it out. Bekah is a sex kitten and Krystal is a sexy cougar. Bibiana is a “Bridezilla.” Read: They bought a bridal costume and a dino costume but lost half of each one.
The first match of the night is Arie versus …
KENNY KING! KENNY IS BACK! He’s got his Ring of Honor TV title belt and my first reaction to seeing Kenny was to ask, “Are these women going to see what a charismatic and cute guy finally looks like and run off with him?” Every ladytestant should just jump up and leave with Kenny. That’s the life he deserves.
Also, if Kenny defeats Arie, is he the new Bachelor? Is this a Highlander situation? Kenny throws Arie around and Arie somehow wins. Everyone has their matches and they’re all strangely sexual and not entertaining. Marikh takes money out of Lauren B.’s ass.
They go to an RV-themed bar for the cocktail portion of the date. Krystal steals Arie away immediately and Bibiana is annoyed. Why, bitch? You could have stolen him away first. You just aren’t about that life. It’s a mistake someone always makes on the show. They assume that the show is fair and they deserve special consideration if it isn’t. No one is going to give you a break, you don’t deserve a break, and complaining about it won’t make it fair.
Also, I’ve realized that Krystal is basically Taylor Vaughn from She’s All That all grown-up.
Krystal has a weird whisper conversation with Arie about if she should be aggressive or relaxed. The way she sexy-whispers everything makes any question feel like she’s a cam girl. Combined with Arie’s natural sleaziness, I can’t fucking take it. I’m having full-body dry heaves. Bekah gets the group date rose.
Back at the mansion, Lauren S. gets the one-on-one date and the date card says, “You had me at Merlot.” Everyone goes, “Do you think it has anything to do with wine?”
Arie takes Lauren S. to wine country to stroll around a vineyard hand in hand. They have stimulating conversation about what time they go to bed and what time they wake up and “I wear cardigans now.” Is this what it’s like to be a white person on a date? “I, too, go to sleep to allow my body’s restorative processes to work.” They head into a barn to talk some more about the hypothalamus. Lauren goes into a first-date conversation fugue state and starts telling the beginning of 14 different stories. I can tell Arie is checked out because he actually starts eating on the date. Lauren S. doesn’t get the rose because Arie thinks her family is important, so she should go back and hang out with her family or something.
In the mansion, a PA slips into the door and takes Lauren S.’s suitcase. At least I hope he was a PA or Lauren S. just got robbed.
The second group date of the week is for Ashley, Becca K., Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese. The date card says, “Love can be ruff!” Everyone’s first assumption is that it has to do with rough sex, but then they realize it’s R-U-F-F so it has to be dogs. Of course, Annaliese had a traumatic experience with a dog, and for some reason, ABC decides to do a dramatic reenactment of her childhood trauma. Have they ever done this before? What’s happening? Where did they get that baby? The group date is some ill-defined “play with dogs but then put on a show” date. Can we stop with making these women put on insane costumes like they’re extras in The Greatest Showman? That’s not a good indication of their wifely virtues. And are dogs … Arie’s thing? I still can’t tell any of these women apart. They’re all too blonde. Chelsea says this date is symbolic of her own life, so she gets a rose.
It’s time for the cocktail party. Bibiana has set up a daybed and a telescope to show him what her Miami lifestyle would be like. Um … sure. Unfortunately, she doesn’t grab Arie quickly enough and he stumbles upon the daybed with some other blonde lady. He makes out with her on the daybed. Arie then keeps “discovering” the daybed with other ladytestants while Bibiana fumes inside. She tries to get Arie’s attention, but he won’t let himself be stolen away.
The human anxiety attack that is Annaliese has decided that if she doesn’t kiss Arie, it’s over. So she steals Arie away and takes him on a walking tour of the house. They arrive at the balcony and Annaliese tells him that she’s not the type of woman who is just going to kiss him. Arie makes a face. He literally makes a face and is like, “… Pass?” Later in the night, Annaliese tries one more time to just ask if he sees any potential between them, and again, Arie makes a face and says, “Pass?” Annaliese eliminates herself and leaves the house.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. There are women getting roses who I don’t think I’ve seen say more than five words. Who is Ashley?!
Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren B., Brittany, Becca K., Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh all get roses. So that means just Bibiana is going home. You could have had it all, Bibiana, and now Krystal has broken you. Please report to the medical tent for treatment for whatever injuries you may have sustained during your time on The Bachelor.