This is not up for debate — the current season of The Bachelor is the most boring in the franchise’s history: a ho-hum race-car driver turned ho-hum real-estate agent parades around the northern hemisphere to eventually propose to a woman ten years his junior. But do you know what makes anything a little more fun, or at least mildly tolerable? Alcohol, baby! With a couple episodes left, allow Vulture to guide you through Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s questionable decision-making skills with this very official, not-very-exhaustive drinking exercise. Just, you know, be mindful of your liver.
Arie says, verbatim, “I love that.” Oh god, just lick your drink. This is going to happen a lot.
An ABC-approved musician randomly comes out to serenade Arie and a ladytestant. Stifle the awkwardness by taking a few sips throughout the performance.
A ladytestant feigns excitement while explaining the group’s hotel accommodations. Chug for the entire contractually obligated duration. Hard Rock Hotels aren’t that special, ladies.
A ladytestant mutters one of the following iconic buzzwords: “journey,” “feelings,” or “Scottsdale.” Two hearty sips per mention.
B-roll of Arie contemplatively staring out from a balcony or contemplatively sitting on a couch. Finish your drink.
Arie hugs a ladytestant and it comes off way more paternal than sexy. Drink. Look up the age differences. Drink again.
A ladytestant doesn’t greet Arie with a jump-and-straddle technique. Toast and drink to this pleasant surprise.
You get sad thinking about all of the uneaten food during a one-on-one. Keep drinking. And maybe take a bite of something while you’re at it?
For every rose-ceremony dress that’s floor-length and covered in sequins. Drink drink drink!
Was the 30-second “gag” footage at the end credits more compelling than the previous 120 minutes? We think so. Finish your drink.