Push up your reading glasses, get out your pen and paper, and prepare to be schooled. On Wednesday, national hero Vince Staples announced the launch of a GoFundMe with the expressed intent of getting his critics to bankroll his early retirement at 24. Referencing complaints about his live show — made during Black History Month, no less — and the general vitriol he so often receives for speaking his truth, he explained in his video pitch that he’d be happy to bow out of the game for a low, low price. “You can decide to donate to the cause of $2 million, which will allow me to shut the fuck up forever and you will never hear from me again,” he said. “No songs, no interviews, no anything.” The alternative: “You can choose to let me do what the fuck I want to do, when I want to do it. Get off of my dick or fund my lifestyle, the choice is yours.” And thus was born the greatest marketing scheme since Beyoncé changed the game with that digital drop.
In his campaign’s description, Staples elaborated that he will use the money to retire to Palmdale, California, buy a Honda, get a puppy, and fund a year’s worth of soups for his friends in prison — he’s a man of simple tastes. So far, the campaign has received upward of $1,200 and he’s already shopping for that puppy. He’s also spent precious hours mercilessly taunting his haters and supporters alike, especially white or white-appearing folks, on Twitter to shake them down for more money.
On Thursday, he tweeted his best retort yet, a message to the masses wrapped inside of a condom wrapper that suspiciously looked like product placement for new music. Well, that’s because it was. A new song, “Get the Fuck Off My Dick” (brand synergy!), has appeared on Spotify. It’s not available to play yet in the U.S., probably because Staples is not done outsmarting us, but congratulations! If you donated to the GoFundMe, you might just be one of the 100 people who’ve likely already paid for it (or a new album, perhaps) and didn’t have a clue.