Long Works of Literature Made Shorter—and Better—with the Addition of Dinosaurs, by Matthew David Brozik

Atlas Shrugged

“Who is John Galt?”

The light was ebbing, and Eddie Willers could not distinguish the bum’s face. The bum had said it simply, without expression. But from the sunset far at the end of the street, yellow glints caught his eyes, and the eyes looked straight at Eddie Willers—they were the eyes not of a bum, in fact, but of a Bambiraptor that sprang from the doorway and eviscerated Eddie Willers using the sickle-like claws on its feet.

Bleak House

London. Michaelmas term lately over, and the Lord Chancellor sitting in Lincoln’s Inn Hall. Implacable November weather. As much mud in the streets as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth, and it would not be wonderful to meet a Megalosaurus, forty feet long or so, waddling like an elephantine lizard up Holborn Hill. Which the Lord Chancellor did. On his mid-day constitutional.

The Count of Monte Cristo 

On the 24th of February, 1815, the look-out at Notre-Dame de la Garde signalled the three-master, the Pharaon from Smyrna, Trieste, and Naples…. Immediately, and according to custom, the ramparts of Fort Saint-Jean were covered with spectators; it is always an event at Marseilles for a ship to come into port, especially when this ship, like the Pharaon, has been built, rigged, and laden at the old Phocee docks, and belongs to an owner of the city.

Unfortunately for the spectators, and then the rest of the populace of Marseilles in turn, the Pharaon crew was composed entirely of hungry Ceratosauruses, who were not hungry for long after their boat had docked.

Crime and Punishment

On an exceptionally hot evening early in July a young man came out of the garret in which he lodged in S. Place and walked slowly, as though in hesitation, towards K. bridge.

He had successfully avoided meeting his landlady on the staircase. He was less successful in avoiding the ill-tempered T. rex who lived under K. bridge.

Moby-Dick 

Eat me, Ischioceratops.

Remembrance of Things Past

For a long time I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say “I’m going to sleep.” And half an hour later the thought that it was time to go to sleep would awaken me; I would try to put away the book which, I imagined, was still in my hands, and to blow out the light; I had been thinking all the time, while I was asleep, of what I had just been reading, but my thoughts had run into a channel of their own, until I myself seemed actually to have become the subject of my book: a church, a quartet, the rivalry between François I and Charles V. This impression would persist for some moments after I was awake; it did not disturb my mind, but it lay like scales upon my eyes, scales of the Allosaurus that one evening made short work of my prostrate person with its sharp, serrated teeth.

Ulysses

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him on the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

Introibo ad altare Dei.

Halted, he peered down the dark winding stairs and called out coarsely:

Pterodactylus antiquus!

Vanity Fair

While the present century was in its teens, and on one sunshiny morning in June, there drove up to the great iron gate of Miss Pinkerton’s academy for young ladies, on Chiswick Mall, a large family coach, with two fat horses in blazing harness, driven by a fat coachman in a three-cornered hat and wig, at the rate of four miles an hour. Behind the coach strode a Giganotosaurus, which unceremoniously swallowed the two fat horses in their harnesses and the fat coachman in his hat and wig, before making its way inside Miss Pinkerton’s proper.

Matthew David Brozik is the author of Danger… With a Hard G and Whimsy & Soda (among other books) as well as numerous (mercifully) short pieces of humor and fiction. Read more at imdb.name. Follow him on Twitter but plan to be (sorely) disappointed.

Long Works of Literature Made Shorter—and Better—with […]