This week on our favorite show, Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women did things. They squatted down in a half-empty warehouse like they were about to soil themselves when they discovered that the catwalk at their fashion show would be eight feet shorter than they originally anticipated. They took selfies with a panda, but they weren’t using some like cute Snapchat filter that places a bear in the photo — they used an actual living creature. They forgot the ironic “Beware of Dogs” nameplate on the fence in front of their house when they moved into their new house where the dogs, probably, don’t need to be warned anymore.
This episode concludes the women’s trip to Berlin and it ends, much like a kiddie roller coaster, with a sad jolt that is the most exciting thing about the whole damn ride. Mostly all that happens is that Erika is very late because she was getting made beautiful and wasn’t feeling well. Also, she needed lube, baby powder, a forklift, a crane, three homosexuals with advanced degrees in makeupology, the cape as red as blood, the cow as white as milk, and the hair as yellow as corn to get into the red latex pussy-bow blouse that she wears with severe Betty Page bangs the night the women go on a boat trip.
Usually, going on a boat spells doom for all Housewives, whether that means getting slapped by Brandi Glanville, being flipped off by Lisa Rinna, or being called a “cook not a chef” by Kelly Killoren Bensimon, the semantics ghost that haunts every childish argument. This time, all the women have fun and marvel at the sights, whether it is the Berlin skyline or whatever the hell Lisar does to keep her body looking so damn good in lingerie at an age where she has already done an adult-diaper commercial. (Seriously, is it Pilates? Juice cleanse? Wishing on a genie in a bottle? We need to know!)
As Lisar points out, everyone is having fun on the boat, so might that have to do with the absence of Lisa Vanderpump, who traveled back to Bev Hills a day early to get a participation trophy in some awareness film festival? Maybe. But I think the fun was because of the outfits. Erika’s, of course, is a standout, and it better be because everyone waited about an hour for her to finish getting it on. But why did they have to leave her at the hotel to make sure the boat didn’t leave? It’s a private boat. It’s not going to go anywhere without the people who chartered it. That’s like your DVR starting the Summer House reunion special before you’ve settled onto your couch to actively ignore it while you play games on your phone.
Anyway, Lisa looks amazing and someone says that she and Dorit look like twins but, come on, that’s like comparing a picture of Our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ to whatever the hell it is that woman did to his fresco in Spain. Dorit is wearing a black jacket with huge brass buttons as an editor’s cape (which is when you wear a jacket over your shoulders without putting your arms through the sleeves), a black corset, red thigh-high boots that are laced all the way up the front, complementary gloves that go all the way up to her elbow, some sort of sparkly gold clutch purse, a velvet choker, and all sorts of bands in her ponytail. This whole outfit is busier than the Fire Island free clinic the morning after a sexy party.
As stated above, Lisar wears some lingerie, but it is under a shiny black trench coat, which is over a blazer she is wearing as a dress. This is all to show off the highlight of her outfit: a pair of strappy black heels with a fountain of black hair spraying off of them. They look like the centerpieces for the baby shower of the Antichrist. Kyle is wearing a black blazer with some white detailing and a black bra underneath. It is very edgy for her. Teddi, God, I don’t know. She is wearing a pillow that you made your mom in home ec or something.
I’m talking about the outfits so much because nothing really happens. At dinner at some invite-only restaurant in a scary back alley, Erika confronts Teddi about the “pretend amnesia” comment she made several episodes ago. I feel like it would have been best if, after blowing up at Teddi at the restaurant, Erika had taken her aside and in a calm moment explained to her why that remark upset her so much. Instead, under those severe bangs, she stares Teddi down and says, “Don’t!” while fingering the latex bow on her blouse like a cartoon villainess. (One whose action figure I would pester my mother about every day until she bought it for me.) Erika cops to having a temper and that it gets the best of her around Teddi, but this isn’t the open exchange that could have cleared Erika for her initial overreaction.
Teddi understands and agrees, but it seems more like she was being intimidated into understanding. I get why Teddi says she’s scared of Erika, especially after all of this. Honestly, Erika could have handled it much better, but at least it ends with them coming to a greater understanding of each other and then admitting that they enjoy their time together.
With that, everyone flies home and it is as if Berlin never happened. Erika flies off to New York to perform at a Halloween party (which I was at) that was hosted by Countess Luann, who showed up with a bunch of drag queens also dressed as Countess Luann, which was pretty major. So was Erika’s performance, with the sweat on the stage and everything.
Kyle has Lisa over to fill her in on the last night in Berlin and to tell her she is upset with Dorit for bringing up something about Pantygate in Berlin, and won’t let it go. Oh my God, please just shut up, Kyle. I feel like this entire season has been just Kyle and Dorit not being able to let go of things that no one even understands. It’s like they feel injured for some reason and need someone to alleviate their pain and status anxiety in the group. Just stop the insanity and let us move on.
Speaking of moving on, Kyle is moving and she had her best friend, the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, on hand to help recycle her pink chintz curtains and tell her where to hang the chandeliers in the new house. Kyle is very emotional about leaving her house, which she had only lived in for seven years, and it got a full In Memoriam reel of things that happened there: the white parties, Lisa showing up with an alpaca, her sister Kim screaming that she loves turtles like a toddler at SeaWorld wired on cherry Frostee and astronaut ice cream.
We relive it all in its sepia-toned glory as Kyle remembers all of the happy memories there and none of the bad ones, like Taylor Armstrong and her late husband Russell showing up for a white party only to be turned away at the door, or the messy fights that Kim and Lisar had on the back porch. According to this, it was all sunshine, unicorns, and blue stuffed bunnies in cellophane wrappers. Kyle only remembered the good times, as she drove away with Faye in her SUV.
Inside, with the doors and windows closed and everything in boxes, the house was stiflingly still. The dust settled and the sunlight streamed, slowly bleaching the floors white like the tide smoothes the rocks of the shores. It will all fill up again, one day, with laughter and tears, another family working out their triumph and failure, wearing branded merchandise advertising their various businesses. Houses, like seasons, have ways of coming back again, the buds on the trees bursting so that they only fall off again. As the walls breathed a sigh of relief at the stillness, the cellar door swung open with a creak, revealing a sliver of darkness as a manicured hand appeared and clutched the edge of the door. “Is anyone home?” Eileen Davidson cooed like a balloon about to burst, as she emerged into the disarrayed staleness that wouldn’t abate.
