There is one moment in this episode that requires the deepest of dives. It requires a frame-by-frame examination. It’s when Karen is in her limo with her assistant slash friend Matt and her leg is on his leg. She’s lounging in the limo and HER ENTIRE LEG is perched on his leg. The shot looks like she’s a contestant on ANTM and Tyra coached her into some “Broken Down Doll” realness. What is happening with Karen? What universe is she living in? Her bizarre life is one of the most interesting ones on TV, but she can’t and won’t talk about it! Damn it, Karen! Just give me what I want! A full explanation of who Matt is and what you’re doing with your leg on his leg.
Before we get to Karen’s limo candid, we’re still at this preposterous press conference. Karen is standing up and shouting at Robyn and Matt is SHOCKED. His li’l eyes are bugging out. Robyn says again that it’s a little ridiculous to tell everyone to mind their business when Karen invites everyone to a “press conference” to talk about Karen’s business. Gizelle gets fed up, so she decides to finally reveal the messages on the back of her shirt and walk out.
Karen reacts as if Gizelle had drawn a picture of a hand giving the middle finger and the middle finger was a giant dick. #TaxReform is not that serious, Karen. Monique is similarly scandalized. Karen thanks Monique and Ashley for being the only two left standing, but I don’t think they are purposefully the only ones. Half your friends calmly walked out. The other half just waited a second before they did. Gizelle’s shirt may not be exactly funny, but she’s absolutely right that Karen wants to pick and choose what’s funny and appropriate. Matt the assistant says, “It’s not about them. It’s about you.” NO ONE ASKED YOU, MATT.
Meanwhile, Candiace is waking up with her husband. He stirs and then she turns over in the bed and this bitch has a full face of make-up. You can’t trick me. I know what the fuck a done brow looks like. You expect me to believe that you contoured in your sleep? I don’t trust Candiace and I do not think I like her. (I did have a girlfriend in college who told us she used to wake up before her boyfriend did and do her makeup and slip back into bed before he could wake up. Does this trick men?) Candiace talks about how her family would prefer that she marry a black doctor. Bitch, you ain’t special.
Monique is at home with the kids talking about all the crazy things she has to do. There’s trouble with the nanny and they’re unpacking and she’s got to plan her husband’s 40th birthday party with his money! It’s hard to be Monique. Ashley comes over to hang out by the pool and she brings her usual six pack of Corona with her. It’s starting to not look cute for everyone to be sipping mimosas or drinking wine and she’s guzzling down a Corona in the bottle.
The conversation turns to choosing your spouse over family. This whole conversation is a little strange. Monique is pushing Ashley to the side with her husband over her mother and Monique is still angry at Chris’s mom for calling her a heifer. It’s understandable that Michael doesn’t want Ashley to just endlessly give her mother his money, but there has to be a compromise between unlimited funds and cutting her mother off that doesn’t involve some ridiculous “Husband or Family” binary.
Candiace joins them poolside and they give her a rundown of all the women in their circle. Monique and Ashley both have problems with Robyn and Monique asks what age is Karen sticking with now. I NEED ANSWERS.
Meanwhile, Karen takes her daughter to a day spa to relax and talk to her about what’s going on with the family. She reveals no new information and tells their daughter that she has to be strong for her dad. According to Karen, this is all a life lesson.
Robyn is organizing things with Juan when she brings up that they were invited to Chris’s birthday party. She’s a little wary to go since she saw a Monique fan page share an anti-Robyn meme. What planet are we on that there are Monique fan pages? Robyn is convinced that the fan page is run by Monique or, at the very least, her employees. Again, where did Robyn get this information? Does she know how Instagram works? She’s tired of everyone talking about her financial status. Since Juan got his new job and she’s flipping houses, she’s making sure they will never go hungry again.
Back at Oz, Ashley is meeting with her husband and he’s laying down another ultimatum about Ashley’s mom. For someone who keeps saying he wants the relationship to get better and grow, this old-ass man loves an ultimatum. Ashley tells us that her mother has a shady boyfriend who fucked up her finances and they bought her mother a house under the condition that she dump this boyfriend. Now Michael is laying ultimatums on Ashley’s mom? He loves a good ultimatum. Also, you don’t buy someone a house unless they break up with someone until after the breakup. And you’re allowed to change the locks if some shady-ass boyfriend shows up.
It’s time for the birthday party and all the girls descend upon Monique’s house. Charisse is also in tow. What is the model for Charisse here? Is she a Kim or a Marlo? She spends most of the episode just randomly beginning to dance in the middle of conversations. She isn’t contributing anything. Even her confessionals aren’t that fun or interesting. Sometimes I argue for Shamea or Marlo to get a peach but taking away Charisse’s … wait, what kind of fruit do they have in Potomac? They don’t have one? Okay, take her glass of Champagne away.
The main dramatic tension of the party is Robyn confronting Monique about this fan page. Monique seems mostly annoyed and doesn’t have anyone working for her. Imagine showing a clip of this show to someone from 1992. “Oh yes, we tape random women fighting about their arguments and call it entertainment. One more thing, Donald J. Trump, the star of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is the president now. Take this Infinity Stone and fix this.”
Gizelle storms off and Robyn starts to talk to Ashley about the whole thing and Ashley somehow turns the whole conversation into an indictment of Robyn’s personal life and her choices. You definitely can say something about how Robyn and Juan’s relationship seems odd, but they weren’t really talking about that.
Plus, two women like Monique and Ashley, who are mainly relying on their husband’s money (YEAH, I SAID IT), talking down to Robyn about her life and her choices is pretty fucking painful. Ashley is running her mouth about what children need and what a healthy co-parenting relationship can look like is PRETTY RICH. Yes, Ashley, what is conducive to a happy life?
Chris comes dancing in while drunk and Candiace’s drunk White Chris does a backflip off the balcony into the pool. Candiace gets mad at him for doing the most drunk white boy thing possibly and pushes him in the pool. So far, she hasn’t impressed me.