“Weird Al” Yankovic, the master of the dark parodic arts, known for changing words like “Beat” to “Eat” and “It” to, well, that stayed the same, has found a new way to mess with the American psyche — the New York Times crossword puzzle. Yes, the literally insane mind behind “Word Crimes” is using our very language against us! Working with Eric Berlin, Yankovic created a puzzle so grotesque, so psychologically eff’d, in which the theme is cheese. Cheese! Beyond being intolerant to the lactose intolerant, how dare they celebrate the affront to nature that is cheese? If God wanted cheese to exist, he would’ve made cows pee it out like they do milk. Same with goats! For example, Berlin revealed, puns like QUESOBLANCA and FONDUE THE RIGHT THING were deemed not freaking twisted enough (or maybe they just didn’t fit).
And the puzzle is, like, really hard and it ruined our subway ride into work and our coffee was too bitter and our bagel too hard and like the weather’s been so bad and our one freaking respite was turned into a minefield (a mindfield) of examples of how stupid we are. Like, take 28 Across: “Cheesy 1987 Thriller?” Huh? Or 46 Across: “Cheesy 1993 Legal Drama?” What could that even be!? Or 20 Across, “Cheesy military drama?” Wait, I think that’s “A Few Gouda Men.” Hehe. That’s pretty good. I mean, gouda. You can do it for yourself here … if you dare!