Let’s get this out of the way right up front: Any episode with a big charity event in the middle is going to be a little light on story. When Bravo started teasing the rest of the season in the middle of the episode, I knew we DEFINITELY were light on story, but THAT DIDN’T MATTER. For some reason, this thin-ass episode was a delight. It was a delight in that everyone felt like a real person. Can you IMAGINE? Everyone in this episode had the decency to spend time away from all the other ladies and deal with some real shit. Even if some of that shit is very strange and leaves us with more questions than answers, it was still real and that made it great.
The episode opens with Robyn and Monique still going at each other. Robyn seems blissfully unbothered by Monique’s sudden rage and Monique is ANNOYED. Monique screams at Robyn that she doesn’t fuck with people who don’t have anything to lose and it would make Robyn’s dreams come true if Robyn could sue Monique. Y’know, for all that charity and Christian morality, Monique sure does love to throw a bomb at someone. And bitch, you know you were drinking and driving. It’s been dissected enough, but we haven’t even talked about the fact that Monique fell asleep at the wheel at like 2 p.m. If you were that tired, you would have been nodding off at lunch. I can’t. I cannot.
Then we get Monique being cradled by Charisse and her irrelevant ass. Listen, just because I said everyone was a real person doesn’t mean I like them. Karen says that if anyone wants to start trouble, they can do so at their own event, on their own agenda. Karen’s vague business needs to be protected! Monique keeps repeating that this could have ruined her reputation. Ma’am. Stop drinking and driving and no one would have to even think about your reputation. Charisse says she knows Monique is strong and she knows what’s in her heart.
It’s time to check in with Candiace a little later. So not only is Candiace’s man ambiguously employed and living on her mother’s dime, he also has three children. Two from a previous marriage that are under 10 years old and a 15-YEAR-OLD who he hasn’t talked to in ten years. For some ungodly reason, Candiace and Chris have decided that their wedding is the time for Chris to mend his relationship with his son. This is also a very tumultuous relationship with the mother of his son, so yeah, this wedding seems like a really great time to reach out. Another nightmare in this scenario is they haven’t told Candiace’s mother about this other kid. Maybe Candiace freaking out about her mother talking about Candiace’s father isn’t just rooted in her parents’ issues but … Chris’s family’s, too. Candiace talks about how Chris is the child of a broken marriage like her, but it seems that Chris has a few “troubled relationships” in his past, too. Candiace’s fiancé sure is looking more and more like a susband as the days go on.
Robyn and Juan have decided to go vegan and hire a medium to talk to Juan’s mom. I’m not sure if those two facts are related, but they’re presented together, so there’s only so much I can do to separate them narratively. Juan found out a year ago that his father was not his biological father and he’s slowly started to form a relationship with his biological father, who looks exactly like him. Robyn and Juan might be the brokest of the Potomac Housewives, but they sure do have a lot going on.
Karen is putting little muffins and grapes on a plate to host Monique and pretend to be high-society ladies who know how to be ladies and exactly when to do it, but they’re throwing their shoulders out patting themselves on the back. Monique is organizing a charity drive for Houston, and that’s nice, I guess. I think Monique imagines herself the neo–Bethenny Frankel; she sure isn’t there yet.
It’s time for Candiace and Chris to tell her mom about his previously undisclosed son. It’s perfectly fine to have children outside of marriage and a less-than-typical family situation, but what’s strange is the vague story from Chris about his son. If you read between the lines, it sounds like yes, it wasn’t a great situation with the mother, but Chris wasn’t … stepping up? Candiace’s mother is surprisingly cool with the situation even though I think, Candiace, you can do better than this Dave Matthews Band fan.
Gizelle goes to get her hair done and she’s in the middle of explaining everything she’s got going on her life when she breaks down. She’s missing Sherman and her mother wants to move in with her. She can’t pick what kind of house she needs to buy for her mother and her daughters if she doesn’t know if Sherman is going to be around. Gizelle has a bit of a cry in the hallway and has another one in the shampoo bowl. Who hasn’t had a cry in the shampoo bowl?
After the charity drop-off event, Monique and Ashley decide to sit down and hash out their relationship. Ugh. This is TIRESOME. Monique has put her mental church-lady hat on and is demanding good behavior from Ashley to restore their friendship. Fucking snoozefest. Ashley plays the part and apologizes for telling everyone the truth and their relationship seems back on track.
Finally, Robyn and Juan sit down with a medium, and let me just say, the moment when Robyn has explosive tears shooting out of her face when the medium mentions their friend who stole their money made me really like her. She needed a catharsis and getting that moment seemed to bring her and Juan closer together. They also felt the presence of Juan’s mother, and she gave a blessing to Juan and Robyn’s relationship. I KNOW THAT THERE IS PROBABLY SOME MESS COMING FOR THESE TWO BUT I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY.