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The Bachelorette Season-Premiere Recap: The Damn Thing

The Bachelorette

Week 1
Season 14 Episode 1
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC

The Bachelorette would like you to stare deep into Becca’s eyes. Stare into them. Aren’t they beautiful? Aren’t they just a little sad? Don’t they contain the things that make you feel comfortable and safe? What color are her eyes? What color is the aroma of an apple pie cooling on Thanksgiving Day? What color is the feeling of a fresh towel from the dryer being wrapped around your body? What color is the love you feel for a woman who is just interesting enough, pretty in a nonthreatening way, religious in a wholesome way, not in a weird way, and humble and grateful even though we’re all here watching her on a fucking reality-TV show? What is that color? That’s the color of Becca’s eyes. Gaze deep into those eyes and feel the slightest tinge of pity for Becca because a woman cannot exist without pity and pity cannot exist without a woman.

The Bachelorette would never like you to forget that Becca once suffered the darkest fate to ever befall a woman: She got dumped by a failed Dutch race-car driver after a nine-week engagement. But don’t worry, because just like the snowy Minnesota landscape that Becca plaintively wanders through, the chill will pass, spring will come again, and 28 ambiguously employed contesticles will descend on a mansion in the Los Angeles area. Such is the passing of time.

But before Becca can head to the Bachelor mansion, she first must cross into Vaes Dothrak and meet the Dosh Khaleen of happily engaged former Bachelorettes. As much as WE ALL LIKE BECCA and DARE NOT SPEAK AN ILL WORD ABOUT BECCA, the most energetic and exciting portion of the entire episode was Becca sitting down with Rachel, Jojo, and Kaitlyn. This segment made me like Jojo! Do you know how hard it is for me to enjoy Jojo? The Dosh Khaleen all chatter on excitedly about Becca’s upcoming journey and give her gender-based advice like women are more intuitive. They decide to sage the house and Kaitlyn has no idea what’s going on and she wants to know why they’re waving, and I quote, “a big doobie” around.

Then Rachel delivers THE LINE OF THE EPISODE and I wish they hadn’t bleeped it. She says “We’re gonna sage your pussy.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? That’s hilarious and amazing and I want it on a tote bag. Etsy, get to work!

Can Rachel host The Bachelorette instead of escaped Westworld host Chris Harrison? Please? It would reduce my snark by like 30 percent.

The ladies also tell Becca that all of their fiancés were their first-impression rose picks and they all kissed them on the first night. No pressure or anything.

It’s time to meet the contesticles and their vague-ass jobs!

There’s Clay, a beautiful beige teddy bear who plays professional football! Garrett from Reno who likes fun and does an extended impression of … Chris Farley? Jordan is a male model whose “brand” is “Pensive Gentleman.” Anyone who says “my brand” in conversation unironically is truly what’s wrong with America. Lincoln from Nigeria who says that in Nigeria family is important and that’s the only difference between America and Nigeria.

Up next is Joe, the grocery-store owner from Chicago. I think this is the most Chicago man that has never Chicagoed. He sounded like Elwood Blues if he was born inside a deep-dish pizza. I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy was conceived to the 1985 Chicago Bears novelty song “Super Bowl Shuffle.” I think Joe moonlights as Benny the Bull during basketball season.

Then there’s Jean Blanc, who was born in Haiti, and he wants to let everyone know that it’s not a shithole. Thus concludes the political portion of the entire season. I wish The Bachelorette was a show that could even attempt to have deep conversations about xenophobia and immigration and this sentient yam in the White House but the most we’ll get is a Haitian man insisting his home country is good. But the real interest when it comes to Jean Blanc is his “occupation.” He’s a colognoisseur. I bet you’re asking “What the fuck does that mean?” It means HE OWNS A LOT OF COLOGNE. His occupation is what John-Ralphio from Parks and Rec puts on his taxes.

The last Bachelor we get a little package on is Colton. He’s a former football player who runs a nonprofit that helps people with cystic fibrosis. So we can’t make fun of him, I GUESS.

It’s time for all the arrivals at the mansion. The arrivals are pretty tame except for one chicken costume. It’s a little tough because Becca doesn’t have a thing except for crushing romantic disappointment. What is her job? Are there any puns about PR? The entrances are mostly centered around, “Hey, I know you want to get married.” No fucking duh, dudes. Blake rides in on an ox because his feelings for her are as strong as an ox? Where do they keep finding animals for this dude? Where do you get a legit ox?

Once inside the house, it’s a pretty standard competition for Becca’s affections. Jordan, who clearly is a producer plant to get the villain edit, is mostly concerned about the fashion choices of the other men. But I call bullshit on him. Not just because he says “I wanted Becca to hear the tapping of the shoes so she could hear the heartbeat of a gentleman.” No, because he hates on someone wearing shoes without socks when they are CLEARLY velvet loafers.

Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter who dunks over Becca. He’s the best.

The two main pieces of drama during the cocktail party are Jake-gate and Chase-gate. Jake is someone that Becca knew in Minneapolis who ran in her friend group but nothing ever happened between them. Becca is immediately suspicious and asks him about why he’s there. He says he only has one “conscious recollection” of them ever meeting and that’s something someone says on Law & Order: SVU when they definitely did it. He tells her that she must be hung up on some interaction between them that he doesn’t remember but there are a few things she needs to know. First of all, he doesn’t remember ever meeting her. Second, he’s a romantic fucking person. Becca sends him home because he thinks repeating that he doesn’t remember her is going to make her like him.

The other piece of drama is Chase-gate. So, Chase’s ex-girlfriend saw him on After the Final Rose and texted Chris R. to tell him that Chase is a bad dude who is only interested in revitalizing his marketing business and hanging out with his boys. How ON EARTH would being on The Bachelorette revitalize a marketing business? So not only is Chase possibly a jerk, he also might be a terrible businessman. When Chris R. confronts him with the story, his first reaction is to say that he never even dated the girl. I mean … they dated … not dated … they were talking … for a month … like two weeks. Um. Chase takes Becca aside to tell his side of the story, which is, “Someone sent a mean text about me but I don’t even know her and I don’t know what the text says but it’s wrong.” He brings Chris R. into a room with Becca to talk it out and Becca says this feels like a two-on-one. Uh oh, one of you dudes isn’t making it. Who is going home?

We’ll find out at the Rose Ceremony!

The guys are pretty shaken up and Chris R. says that Chase might have dragged him into drama. BRUH. YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE TEXT. ‘TIS THEE WITH THE DRAMA. Everyone is concerned about going home if a guy in a chicken suit stays.

Becca thanks all the guys because she’s from the midwest.

Six of the first seven guys Becca gives a rose to are all citizens of Wakanda, if you know what I mean? Homegirl is trying to get some of that vibranium.

Lincoln, Blake, Ricky, Jean Blanc-Ralphio, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan (THERE WAS A GUY NAMED RYAN?), Alex (WAIT, WHO IS ALEX?), Nick, Trent (HOLD UP, A TRENT WAS THERE?), Colton, David the Chicken, Jordan, Leo, and Mike all get roses. The final rose has Chase and Chris R. sweating. She gives it to Chris R. for some reason.

The sun is rising as the contesticles leave the mansion and Joe goes back to his job playing organ at Wrigley Field and Kamil goes back to his life as a social-media participant.

The post-credits scene is Jordan talking about Becca’s pheromones and I’m already over this idiot. At least Whaboom had the decency to have a catchphrase.

The Bachelorette Season-Premiere Recap: The Damn Thing