The worst part of any Vanderpump Rules reunion is undoubtedly the chairs. While the Real Housewives get to plop their long trains down on plush couches, the Fireball-fueled knuckle fuckers of this show are perched on high-backed, black cocktail stools that are just a little bit too high for a group that could fall and break a hip after one too many frozen kamikaze shooters that Tom Sandoval made for them in the husk of a bar that will someday become Tom Tom. How could anyone get comfortable or think clearly while trying to keep their clenched ass in one of those things that look more like some sort of stamina-testing torture device from Survivor instead of an actual chair?
The other thing that baffles me is, how is this reunion going to be three parts? I feel like all of the questions I wanted answered happened in the first five minutes when we learned that Scheana and Rob are broken up, Stassi and Patrick are broken up, and Brittany and Jax are back together. Actually, I knew all of those things already, so maybe we didn’t need this reunion after all. I think I’m going to run for Congress on the platform that only New York and Atlanta deserve three-part reunions and everyone else can settle for two parts at the most. I mean, the O.C. should get like an Instagram Story with a Smell-O-Vision scratch-and-sniff card.
How is it that these kids, who consistently provide us with some of the craziest and most unpredictable drama on television, can never deliver on a reunion special? This thing is tamer and chaster than when James had a pants-on sleepover with his best gay friend Logan, the model on the package for a Kenneth the Page Halloween costume.
Before we get into the real meat of the reunion, let’s be petty and talk about what everyone is wearing, or at least give the best and the worst. Andy in his staid suit and Lisa in her customary floral-print pussy-bow blouse are sort of out of contention since they were so on brand as to be boring. For the girls, I think the top prize goes to Lala, in a short, strapless brown dress and hair and makeup that is beat for the gods. These days, every time I see her, she looks like a fresco painting and I am really here for all of that.
The other surprisingly good outfit was Kristen’s. She had on a green dress with a bunch of gold necklaces. It was very Bianca Jagger at Studio 54, but Kristen understands those references like Jax and Stassi understand the word galvanize. Still, Kristen’s outfit was way better than Brittany’s mustard-yellow slip dress, Katie and Scheana’s attempts at jumping on the crushed-velvet trend express, or Stassi’s black dress with a triangle around the throat that looked like it was going to say, “You are the weakest link. Good-bye,” at any given moment.
As for the dudes, it was all pretty boring and safe. Sandoval and DJ James Kennedy went for printed blazers with plain shirts underneath like they’re the lost members of an Interpol cover band. Schwartz did the opposite and wore a plain blazer with a Topman floral print (and probably short-sleeved) shirt underneath. He likely got the memo from Sandoval but somehow got it confused. Jax was wearing a tuxedo jacket and an open shirt. My boyfriend said he looked like a gay porn star’s obituary photo, and he was not wrong.
The biggest thing we learned at this reunion is that Jax’s father, whom he viewed as his best friend, passed away right after Christmas and it has really thrown his whole world for a loop. As soon as he got the news, Brittany stepped in to take care of him and make all the arrangements, and that showed Jax what a lovely soul she really is. I mean, I even feel bad making fun of Brittany’s bad outfits because she just seems so sweet and lovely. However, she continues to stay with Jax, so maybe there is something fundamentally broken about her.
This does explain a bit why they’re still together. It’s so odd the outpouring of emotion Jax gets from this crew. Schwartz, who constantly defends him, and Sandoval make sense, but that his exes Stassi, Rachel, and Kristen (who is more a former hookup) would also rush to his side after despising him is surprising.
We find out that Scheana and Rob are broken up (duh!) and that he did it after filming wrapped because he didn’t want to break up with her while the cameras were around so that she could talk about him on the show. He even told her as much, which is really messed up. Then everyone went around and talked shit about Rob, about how he poo-pooed the show, but also jumped at every opportunity to be on a red carpet. Lala even told some weird story about how when her man was around, Rob would always come hang out with them, but that is it. Rob is also texting Jax to have drinks with him. Does that mean Rob would just rather hang around dudes than Scheana and her unretractable love talons?
All of that is pretty sad, but Scheana seems to be rebounding nicely. She’s been in Vegas for four months starring in a production of Sex Tips for a Straight Woman From a Gay Man, which I saw in New York when Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Bend and Snap Morgans was in it and, man, is it an awful way to spend your bachelorette party. If you really want a gay guy to tell you how to give head, you can just fly me to Vegas. I’ll give you like ten minutes of sex advice and then we can talk about Housewives for three days while eating fried food by the pool and pretending like we aren’t hoping the Chainsmokers will hit on us.
The show is causing some trouble though. First, Lala accuses Scheana of wanting to get a ride to Vegas on her PJ — what she calls a “private jet,” which is both annoying but kind of amazing at the same time. Then Jax came to see her in the show, but he says she ignored him the whole time to post on her phone and make sure he was on the red carpet. Sorry, but that sounds just like Scheana.
Then Jax accuses her of not even texting when his dad died and that, for whatever reason, makes Scheana run off to get her makeup touched up while she cries through her concealer. This is the strange rage I was talking about. Jax just yammers on and on about how awful a friend Scheana is while everyone tries to console him, get him to stop, and have him recognize that he’s not mad at Scheana, he’s just mad his dad died. The only one who seems to care about Scheana is Ariana, which is sweet, but it also shows that Scheana spends more time bonding with that little yellow ghost on her Snapchat account than with these people she has been friends with for years.
Still, this does not excuse Jax, whose rage is like a Godzilla fighting a Voltron and it will just never ever stop. Where is this all coming from? Why do people let him get away with this? Is his awful behavior finally too petty and too awful that we need to kick him off of this show for good? Ha. Just kidding. We would be nothing without him.