Jon Stewart, who lives in a subterranean compound directly under Stephen Colbert’s Late Show desk, emerged on late-night television tonight to see whether or not he can get Donald Trump to scrape off that extra layer of “gleeful cruelty” currently coating every aspect of his presidency. Whether it’s hyping North Korea or separating asylum seekers from their children at the border, Stewart reasons that a good businessman would trade in his “excessive dickishness” for something of equal or greater value. But what do you get a president who has everything? “Let’s just go full on archvillain,” Stewart suggests. “How about we have a volcano destroy a large portion of the home state of your enemy, Barack Obama?”
In the end, however, Stewart concludes there is nothing worth trading for reason. “Clearly, we’re not going to be able to negotiate or shame you into decency, but there is one place where I draw the line. I won’t allow you and your sycophants to turn your cruelty into virtue,” the former Daily Show host says. “What Donald Trump wants is for us to stop calling his cruelty and fear and divisiveness wrong, but to join him in calling it right. This, we cannot do. And by not yielding, we will prevail.” Adds Stewart, “Unless, of course, the Democratic leadership continues to be a bunch of feckless …” and then Stephen Colbert jumps out from under his desk, but you get the idea.