Of all the Real Housewives franchises, this one feels the most like everyone is firmly in the sixth grade. There’s a particular paranoia and jealousy that permeates the sixth grade. Who just got a real bra? Is everyone talking about me behind my back? Whose boyfriend is a real person and not just one of the results from a Google Image Search for “cute boy” printed out and glued onto a piece of construction paper? Just replace the word “gala” with the word “sleepover” and you’ve got a bunch of sixth-graders three-way calling each other. All of these women are investigating each other for any signs of weakness or fraud like they heard one of them was stuffing their bra.
This episode starts with Gizelle and Robyn finally crossing the threshold at Karen’s charity event. They have walked in with their jeans and bodysuits and they are ready to cause some shit. Gizelle starts out by comparing Sherman’s ex, Kyndall, to a horse. First of all, don’t we already have enough people with names I cannot spell (CANDAICE? CANDIACE? CANDYAICE?)? And is there a more sixth-grade insult than calling somebody a horseface? Gizelle knows that Karen is just trying to start some drama so Gizelle just heads right to Karen to demand some answers for HER LIES. Karen pulls a Karen and finds security guard and tells them to escort Robyn and Gizelle out. Karen also tells the security guard that Robyn and Gizelle’s hearts aren’t in the right place. That’s not a valid reason to escort someone out of a building, Karen. Security doesn’t need that data.
Then they show a montage of Gizelle being escorted out of various buildings and gatherings. I love when a montage is shady.
Ashley and Charisse join Gizelle and Robyn outside and Robyn goes in on Charisse for not going to her event. Charisse claims that she didn’t know that Robyn’s event was … organized by Robyn. Who else would be holding a *squints* real-estate-flipping seminar disguised as women’s empowerment? Charisse says that Gizelle and Robyn aren’t “attached to charity” so she doesn’t expect them to understand the choices she makes. Charisse storms off AND THERE’S TOO MUCH CHARISSE IN THIS EPISODE AND SHE’S ALL OVER THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK. Give her back a glass of Champagne or get her off my TV.
After the scuffle outside settles down, Monique, Ashley, and Michael are wondering where all this money is going. Why did they have to make checks out to Karen’s for-profit business for her charity event? Even though Monique has issues with the legality of the checks, she wrote one anyway. I can’t wait for someone from the IRS to watch this show.
What’s Candiace up to? She’s calling her father to ask for more money for her wedding because she has 400 wedding guests and two wedding dresses and a flower wall and literal trees. She has all these things for her wedding and refuses to give even one of them up to make her budget work. So she’s going to call her father (who she doesn’t have a great relationship with) and ask for another $30,000 for her wedding. He just says “No.” Give this man a show. I’m into him. Candiace keeps calling Chris a smartass and annoying for telling her to stick to the budget for their 400-person wedding.
Gizelle is choosing to focus on her business rather than trying to talk to Sherman and her business is going to be featured at the Congressional Black Caucus business fair. It legit looks cool and I’m excited for her.
Ashley calls her father figure, her Uncle Lump, and asks him what he thinks about Michael telling her that he doesn’t want to have children with her because she might replicate her mother’s behavior. Uncle Lump is like “Fuck that dude.” He also tells Ashley that Michael probably was just interested in her because she would be a little trophy wife. Everything he’s saying should be completely and totally obvious. Michael is what we call a bad person and Ashley should be very prepared to walk away. Oh shit, I forgot her dumb ass just extended their prenup. This is not good.
The ladies split up into two groups and head to two workout classes to talk about each other behind their backs. This is just like when your friends had a different gym class and you used your locker-room time to gossip. Karen is just disappointed in all the drama because she has a national platform for her “charity.” Robyn and Gizelle talk about how Karen needs to file for nonprofit status. I love bitches talking business trash. Robyn says that she’s not sure of Monique’s intentions regarding her friendship with Charisse. What could Monique’s sinister intentions be? Everyone should be more worried about getting in a car with Monique.
Ashley and Candiace head to lunch at Oz and Candiace tells Ashley that yeah … Michael is a dick. Candiace also treats her wedding-budget drama like it’s some problem happening outside her control. Robyn and Charisse meet for lunch and Robyn tells Charisse to be careful around Monique. Charisse says that she hasn’t been talking as much to Monique because she thinks Monique might be using her for her contacts and resources. I also think that Monique is one of those people who will definitely cut you when crossed so this all should be good.
Gizelle heads to the CBC event to set up her booth and she starts shade-matching people. Ashley, Charisse, and Robyn head over to the event to support Gizelle. Karen and Monique show up, completely ignore Gizelle’s booth, and do an entire lap.
SIXTH. GRADE. BEHAVIOR.
Some of the ladies head to confront Gizelle and Monique and neither of them have any idea why anyone is mad or what they’re talking about. Monique says that they have an event to go to that night so they better go change. ROBYN decides to SHOUT “LIAR” at Monique and Karen as they walk away. Karen takes this as an act of racial hostility and Monique says they don’t have any couth. I had to look up if you could use couth as a noun. You can. Charisse says she’s going to investigate what’s going on with Monique.
Finally, Candiace is at home dealing with the aftermath of an argument with Chris where she apparently tried to leave him?!? From what I can piece together about their argument, they were at a party the night before and she asked him to hold all her stuff. So naturally, he called her a spoiled princess and she texted him that he was a piece of shit just like his deadbeat dad. I mean equivalent offenses if you ask me. She has taken off her ring in anger and they’re both crying in the bathroom. WHAT?! This relationship is less stable than Ikea furniture put together by a toddler. She admits that she took her aggression out on him and he re-proposes and they make up. I can’t wait for them to have to return 400 wedding gifts when they inevitably divorce because this is how they argue.