Southern Charm Recap: Ponying Up

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Southern Charm

Southern Charm

Game Changer Season 5 Episode 13
Editor's Rating 2 stars

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I sort of agree with Ashley. I know, that felt like battery acid was being poured into my rectum, but it’s true. This doesn’t mean that I don’t think she’s the human equivalent of the sandworms that swallow Beetlejuice at the end of the movie, but on this one point in her ongoing argument with Thomas I sort of have her side.

When they’re sitting in the barn talking about whether or not they should break up, Thomas says that if she got a job it would help their relationship. She tells him that she wants him to change some things about his life too and he’s not listening so why should she listen to him? That is a very valid point. All good relationships are about balance and compromise. They’re about realizing that you can’t get everything and you can’t control the person that you’re with. What Ashley is saying is that if Thomas were to meet her halfway and do some of the things she’s asking for, it would help her to do some of the things he’s asking for.

That, however, is something that happens in healthy relationship, not reality-television relationships. Thomas wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it jumped up out of his popcorn at the movies and ripped his right ear off. He only wants to control he women he’s with and refuses to change for anyone. If that is not what Ashley wants then she should just get the hell out of there now.

Then Thomas makes it even worse by saying something to the effect of, “Well don’t get a job for our relationship, get a job because you should want to because that is what reasonable people do.” Okay, so now he’s not only refusing to compromise but he’s making value judgments against Ashley and insinuating that she’s a gold digger who has never worked a day in her life. Yeah, that’s going to go over well.

Ashley is a gold digger though. She starts this conversation about whether or not they should break up by mentioning what a great place that barn would be for a wedding. That is the thing about Ashley’s grift is that it never stops. When she’s on shaky ground, she’s already seeing if Shep wants to date her in case they break up. Yes, I know that is a joke, but it’s an Ashley joke where if the person were to take it seriously, she’d totally be down for it.  She tries this trick on Craig too. Craig! This is a man whose living room wall has no actual wall in it. No matter how deep you dig you will never find gold. I just realized that Ashley is actually Joanne the Scammer but real and horrible at her job.

Yeah, I don’t understand Thomas and Ashley at all. They both seem miserable, why not just break up? I’ve never seen two people spend more time talking about breaking up and not doing it other than Jax and Brittany on Vanderpump Rules. Just like them, Thomas and Ashley are still together (seemingly) so all of this breakup talk is getting our hopes up. These two are giving me like breakup blue balls.

Of course this all happens because everyone’s at Thomas’s “plantation” for another one of his stupid polo matches. Ugh, this is my least favorite episode of each season because it just makes me want to go back to my native Connecticut, find a boarding-school dorm, and then set the whole thing on fire while I’m still on it. Everything about Thomas’s house and his polo obsession and everyone going out there to eat oysters and pretend like they care about this sport is just the worst. The only thing that is worse than that is when Thomas sees JD sprawled out in a chair wearing cowboy boots and a ten-gallon hat and says, “You look just like [George] W [Bush],” and it is not meant as an insult.

The crazy thing about the polo match is that it was breeding couples like no one’s business. Kathryn was there hanging out with Shep and it was their second “date” in a row after meeting on the pier to eat corn dogs and just be absolutely adorable together. I know it seems like the producers are pushing for this relationship more than anyone else, but I would really love it. It’s like they suddenly pull a Monica and Chandler and realize that it’s been them all along and no one even realized it. It’s like a ‘90s rom-com but with a lot more cocaine and boat shoes.

I feel the same way about Chelsea and Austen. Why can’t they get back together? They’re so good and they love each other so much. What is wrong with them that they can’t make this work? They were so cute on their little date night to the oyster bar. (What is up with all of these people and shellfish this episode?) Austen is telling Chelsea about his awful breakup with stupid Victoria and she’s telling him that she doesn’t really want to date right now.

God, why don’t these two just figure it out already and get married? They don’t have any problem that six months and a whole lot of therapy can’t fix. They would have such lovely and attractive children together and they would have a daughter named Skyler who wins blue ribbons in baton twirling and a son named James or something lame like that and they’d call him Bubba and I would just squish his fat little baby bell until he’s blue in the face. Oh yes I would.

There is a plot underway to have Craig ask Naomie to go to Patricia’s ball with him since Shep is taking Kathryn and Austin is taking Chelsea, but Craig deflects and says that it would be a step toward them getting back together and he’s not willing to do that. Then we find out from Austen that the real reason is that he met a girl whom he made out with and he already invited her to go to the ball so he can’t ask Naomie.

All right, I love everything about this story about Craig making out with this girl and how was that not part of the episode? We had to watch Shep make meatballs and talk for the umpteenth millionth time about how he doesn’t want a relationship. We can’t see Craig meet a girl and make out with her. And the story sounds fascinating. The way Austen tells it, he had to start playing “Kiss the Girl” from Little Mermaid  on repeat to make Craig do it and even then he got all weird and squirrely about it. But it’s so Craig that even after he made out with her he immediately invites her to the biggest social scene of the year and basically thinks they’re getting married. Oh, Craig.

Before we leave I have to talk about one thing and that is the rampant destruction that is going on to the cast of Southern Charm. Craig is wearing that crazy hand device, Shep is just over his knee surgery, Kathryn is battling debilitating depression, Naomie finally got her boot off but is now plagued by some disease that makes her put too much highlighter on her face so her nose disappears, Cameran has an infected episiotomy stitch, and now Thomas has hurt his foot playing polo. Now it’s spreading to their animals too. Naomie has a cute new cat but it’s paralyzed and wearing a diaper and could piss itself in her purse at any given moment. Danni’s dog also has a collar on it because it had some sort of trauma of its own. Someone please look into what is happening in the state of South Carolina and check in on these people. WE need them to survive at least one more week so that they can all be wrecked in the carnage that is the fight between Kathryn and Ashley!

Southern Charm Recap: Ponying Up