I’ve been searching my brain for the answer and reading all the context clues. I cannot crack this mystery. And maybe to even deign to ask the question will make me worthy of scorn and ridicule but I need help. I need guidance.
What is Becca’s … um … personality?
Don’t say “Minnesota” because that’s not a personality. It’s a state and we should all know the difference between a personality and a state in the contiguous United States. There are plenty of hints this episode to the deep, barely concealed rage that simmers under the surface but that’s not a personality either. What else is there? “Dead Dad?” That’s definitely not a personality trait. We’re just listing things from her life. Like what is this woman’s job? What are her hobbies?
This isn’t a dig on Becca. She’s entertaining to watch, but I just don’t know how to describe her. “Minnesota” and “nice” are the only things people can come up with to describe her, and those can be used interchangeably and we all know it. I think I’m straight-up loving her season and loving Becca, but who is she? She’s a mystery wrapped in blue-gray sequins.
The show wants to define her personality as “jilted.” So, what better way to get over your ex than go on a series of dates designed to remind you of your ex and your romantic failures!
The contesticles are waiting around for the first date card of the week and David has molted his chicken costume and he’s kind of a cutie. It’s painfully obvious this episode that Becca has two types: Square-headed Football Lug and Joey Donner from 10 Things I Hate About You. Everyone is either made of shoulders or has slicked-back hair.
The first group date of the season is here! Clay, Nick, Chris R., David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln are told that Becca is ready for her big day. Let’s never stop reminding the guys that Becca was once engaged and is currently 100 percent ready for marriage. She has no other ambitions or expectations other than to be a wife and a mother. WHICH IS FINE but I wish I knew literally one other thing about her.
Even if the show is subscribing to some limited gender roles, they give us some tastee bytes to look at. Becca forces the contesticles to change into tuxedos in front of her. And because Becca is from the midwest, she’s faux-scandalized by a few pectorals. Let’s lean into the misandrist rage storming beneath Becca’s surface and arrange for her to watch the men parade naked in front of her like Daenerys while she sips a goblet of wine. It would be less humiliating than the marriage-themed obstacle course.
Speaking of that obstacle course, why was every fucking event named in the most depressing way possible? One section is the “Ball & Chain.” Another is “Cold Feet.” The bright spot for this segment is RACHEL AND BRYAN ARE BACK! (We have to pretend to be excited about Bryan because Rachel doesn’t like to go anywhere without him).
One of the challenges is they have to eat through a wedding cake to find a plastic ring and Rachel tells them they can’t use their hands because she wants to find out “WHAT THAT MOUF DO.” Fucking filthy Rachel is the best Rachel. Get her a dating round-table discussion show on Viceland. That’s what we all want.
The obstacle course is pretty standard early-episode Bachelorette bullshit but the two best moments are Clay relaxing in the tub of ice water because it’s a recovery method in the NFL and Lincoln blatantly cheating. Lincoln wins the obstacle course and he gets a photo with Becca and a kiss as his prize.
Then all hell breaks loose.
Lincoln is excited about winning the challenge and getting a framed photo in a way that only a British Nigerian can manage. This drives Connor, just some white guy with Jordan Rogers hair, in-fucking-sane. He cannot and WILL NOT stand for another man to be excited in his presence. HOW DARE Lincoln feel joy and be proud of his accomplishments. In this moment, Lincoln is a less talented Serena Williams and Connor is just like … white people? It’s a very loose metaphor and I’m still workshopping it. Connor takes Lincoln’s framed photo of him and Becca and throws it over a balcony. Someone in the editing room added glass breaking sound effects even though the frame landed in water. Lincoln cries to Becca about his picture being taken away and I’m on Lincoln’s side here. Becca sits down with Connor and he keeps saying things like “It just happened” and “I don’t like how it played out.” Bruh, you made it play out that way. All of this drama causes Becca to get frustrated and she gives Jean-Ralphio Blanc the group date rose. I can only imagine he was wearing a soothing lavender fragrance and it calmed her down.
Up next is Blake’s one-on-one date. Blake looks like Andy Samberg if Andy Samberg were a Kennedy. Becca and Blake are driven to a set from The Fast and the Furious and told to put work boots and helmets on. They are given sledgehammers and they go inside to meet … LIL JON. I think his name legally has to be written in caps lock. You might ask “Ali, what does LIL JON have to do with anything?” and the answer is “SHUT UP AND LET LIL JON WORK.” Becca and Blake are in a rage room where every item is designed to remind Becca of her failed engagement. LIL JON plays his own song and shouts words of encouragement to Becca as she does her own Country Time Lemonade homage.
I need a gif of Becca smashing a Champagne bottle in slow motion.
When I was in my early 20, my boyfriend (the first person I ever told “I love you”) cheated on me and in an attempt to make me feel better, my dad helped me smash all the cute mugs and gifts my boyfriend had given me in the backyard. My boyfriend also gave me the teddy bear he had as a 1-year-old. I threw that bullshit in the trash. So, I know for a FACT that this must have felt amazing for Becca.
Also, she belted her jumpsuit. Okay. I’m learning about Becca. She’s a woman who values her silhouette.
I also admired how gleeful Blake was watching Becca smash reminders of her past relationship. He was laughing and smiling at the sight of Becca tapping into the bitterness that lives deep inside her. If The Bachelorette were on Showtime, this would be the moment that Becca and Blake realize their mutual desire for destruction and annihilation and launch a cross-country murder spree. Blake gets a rose.
The final date of the week is for Garrett, Ricky, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton. They all pile into a school bus and head to a middle school for a dodgeball masterclass lead by three positively terrifying children. These are CHILD. ACTORS. and they are ACTING. THEIR. ASSES. OFF. One of them screams “TRAAAAAASH” as they pelt the contesticles with 70 mph dodgeballs. After some drills, it’s time for the dodgeball tournament. Chris Harrison brings Fred Willard to do color commentary and he just tells a story about a nude volleyball game. The drama of this group date doesn’t happen until the cocktail party when Colton reveals that he used to date Tia. Becca has a meltdown and I had to Google “Tia the Bachelor” because I couldn’t remember if she was the one who had never had an orgasm. I don’t think she is. Becca feels completely sick over the fact that Colton might have come on her season hoping for Tia to be the Bachelorette. But she doesn’t send him home right then (or at the rose ceremony). Is that a personality? Wills gets the group date rose.
It’s time for the cocktail party and Jordan decides that he’s going to parade around in his underwear and completely make up a word “in-genuine-titty.” Maybe if we all ignore him, he’ll just fucking GO AWAY. But David can’t help himself and he tries to confront Jordan and Jordan says he’s not trying to get attention and he will not validate himself to anyone. He doesn’t even have the decency to have a fun catchphrase.
Time for the rose ceremony. Chris R., Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett (and his bigoted Instagram likes), Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln, and Colton. I guess she had to keep Colton because Tia is going to be on the next episode and who could resist that kind of drama!