5 Reasons Why We’ll Miss Jordan, The Bachelorette’s Silliest Villain

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Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC

Let’s be clear: Jordan from The Bachelorette would be a nightmare of a hang. He only talks about himself, tries to send hidden messages with his outfit choices, and you’d risk serious face-bloat thanks to the sheer amount of salt spray in his hair. But as far as reality-TV entertainment goes, the guy is a perfect 10. This Florida-based male model was a dreamboat of a villain in season 14 — until Becca Kufrin eliminated him on Monday night’s episode, anyway — and it had nothing to do with his Precious Moments good looks.

Like all great reality-TV villains, Jordan stole every scene by talking proudly, incessantly, and solely about himself. But he was also a very rare sort of villain: a harmless one. In a Bachelorette season where more than one of Becca’s suitors has been revealed to be anything but harmless, Jordan’s constant self-owns were a welcome comedic reprieve. He existed as a threat only to himself, so every time he hyped up his seersucker slacks, or made a ludicrous statement about scrambled eggs, it was just good old-fashioned, guiltless fun.

When Jordan first introduced himself to America, he seemed to be just another overly aggressive Wrong Reasons meathead who couldn’t stop talking about his knit navy blue tie. But his bizarre quirks — his affinity for inventing words, his unpredictably perceptive and/or preposterous commentary, and his complete disinterest in anything that was not immediately connected to his own torso — served as a much-needed distraction from the season’s horror-movie underpinnings. He was somebody to laugh about whenever Becca cooed over Garrett, or Lincoln snagged yet another rose.

Alas, in grand Bachelor tradition, this could not last. Jordan met the end of his rose on Monday, and the rest of the season promises to be a slog toward heart-eyes and sobs following the loss of its most entertaining and love-to-hate contestant. How will we miss Jordan? Let us count the ways.

His Way With Words

Let’s get Jordan’s most iconic moment out of the way first. Every villain needs a nemesis, and Jordan’s was David, who was so set on exposing him as a Wrong Reasons bro that he turned into a villain himself. When David told Becca that Jordan had been bragging about his prolific Tinder matches on their first group date together, Jordan took it personally: “If you’re trying tear down my image … you’re failing at it. Because, guess what? Attached to me — is professionality.”

Jordan’s righteous delivery of “professionality” was very funny, but let’s not forget what happened in the previous episode, either: When David said he hoped Becca would see Jordan’s “ingenuine” side, Jordan looked David dead in the eye and corrected him. “It’s ingenu-i-titty.” This is what Becca has taken away from us in the name of — ugh — love.

His Obsession With Himself

In his introduction package, back when he was presented as a Chad-like villain, Jordan explained the life of a Florida-based male model: “You’re talking gym year-round, tan year-round, salt spray year-round — it’s taxing!” He went on to explain in subsequent episodes that he would set himself apart from the other 25 men by wearing a “shark skin” suit; that wearing a collared shirt cut to wear with a tie without a tie would signal to Becca, “This guy, he could go either way”; and that going to the second cocktail in only his briefs and an ill-advised pair of dress shoes would help Becca “fall for [his] personality.”

To be fair, Jordan’s dedication to talking about his physical appearance basically is his personality — a personality that boldly declared, “I’m one of the better looking guys in the house … some of the guys think I’m the best-looking guy in the house.” Still, it should be noted that in a season where Wills is wearing RompHims, Connor is unbuttoning his dress shirts to his belt buckle, and Colton’s jackets are constantly glistening in some unexplained way, Jordan’s carefully crafted look had all the effect of a Brooks Brothers mannequin that gained sentience and escaped the Basic Boys section.

His Patented Bits

More than his clothes or his face, Jordan will be remembered for his dumb gimmicks. For example, what’s with his inexplicable obsession with scrambled eggs? While David bashed Jordan’s character and tattled on him at every turn, the most insulting thing Jordan could imagine saying about David was, “He’s walking around, cooking scrambled eggs all day!” (Which didn’t seem … untrue.) When Jordan made it through yet another Rose Ceremony after everyone assumed he would be eliminated, he told the cameras smugly, “When I wake up here tomorrow morning and make my scrambled eggs, I don’t even think I’m gonna look at the skillet. I’m just gonna —” and then hit us with his signature pensive stare.

Jordan also had a penchant for sounding like a preteen sociopath in a made-for-TV horror movie. When David fell off his bunk bed in the middle of the night — an incident that had nothing to do with Jordan and probably a lot to do with the house’s Pinot Grigio supply — Jordan started talking about the karmic repercussions of his enemies, which led to the all-star line, “I talk to God every day and, uh, people that go against me just end up hurt sometimes.” Incredible. Baseless, but incredible. Of course, the very best Jordan bit was how, after receiving a pair of golden booty shorts from Becca as a joke, he boldly and repeatedly referred to himself as “Captain Underpants” — a famously dim-witted and silly cartoon character.

His Nonsensical Platitudes and/or Slights

But Jordan was no dummy! His mouth just seemed to work faster than his brain. Most of the things Jordan said about himself sounded like mottoes printed on an inspirational poster, and most of the things he said when antagonized sounded like the rantings of a toddler who gained sudden access to a thesaurus. None of them mean anything at all, but boy, did Jordan feel proud of himself for saying them. Without commentary, here are a handful of his most inspired lines:

• “I’m much like a sponge: you can squeeze me and get everything out of me, but you’ll never know until you try.”

• “If you wanna wreck my image, you can’t succeed, because my image is me!”

• “I’m not just some guy with hair, you know?”

• “Chickens can’t fly and I think we learned that last night.”

• “You are the skeleton of a man!”

• “Cheers to you for being a bitch!”

• “Love is the greatest power on earth. Being me is MY GREATEST POWER!”

• “BEING YOU ISN’T YOUR GREATEST POWER, that’s why you gotta talk about me!”

• “Before you put your socks on, put your confidence on.”

• “You’re uninspiring, you lack integrity, you lack passion, you lack charisma. YOU LACK YOUR OWN PERSONALITY.”

His Perfect Send-off

With his nemesis David out of the way, Jordan finally got his one-on-one time to “dive down deep” with Becca, which means we finally got access to the purest, most unadulterated Jordan. Becca is a nice person, so when Jordan wouldn’t stop talking about how he’s “not really, like, an average model,” she humored him, which led to a truly amazing flex: “I mean, I can probably move every part of my face!” Oblivious to Becca’s lack of shared glee, he looked around hopefully: “I wish we could get my portfolio out here!”

Having seen enough of his figurative portfolio, Becca finally cut him loose on Monday night. And at that exact moment, at last free to love who he loves most, Jordan did his best work. Reflecting on his experience, Jordan says of our dear Bachelorette, “The thing I appreciate most about her is the fact that she stated she’d never met anyone like me.” In the end, Jordan says he really was on this journey for love, and though we’ll miss his presence on our TV screens, we’ll rest easier knowing that he found what he was looking for: “Tomorrow, I’ll wake up alone, just like I always do.”

5 Reasons Why We’ll Miss The Bachelorette’s Silliest Villain