Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Hannah the Heartbreaker

Below Deck Mediterranean

Mo’ Euros, Mo’ Problems
Season 3 Episode 11
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Bravo

Conrad’s behavior this episode made clear that Hannah has rubbed off on him in the worst possible way. He’s not only smoking more cigarettes and drinking more Pinot Grigio, but also developing a God complex, like he’s the only one in the Mediterranean Sea who can take a Jet Ski off a yacht and tell Colin it’s time to Windex a window. Hannah seems to spend 80 percent of her time sitting on the counter by the Nespresso machine gossiping with whomever isn’t eating cereal, wiping a surface, or scattering glass beads on a table. And this episode, Conrad trapped whomever he could to gossip about Captain Sandy’s simmering hatred of him, refusing to admit that Sandy was justified in feeling annoyed with his and Hannah’s tedious relationship drama. I watch this show for the tedious drama and even I’m annoyed with it!

We open with Sandy giving Conrad a “bollocking” for keeping Hannah off the boat for hours and hours so she could play Barbies with Kenny’s wife. Sandy says she’s on the verge of firing the both of them, and Conrad reacts with disbelief. He professes he had no idea Hannah promised to just “have a Coke” with the guests and then come back to the boat. Sandy, who can’t stay really mad for longer than it takes Kenny to drink a glass of vodka, decides to forgive him. But adds she doesn’t want to see Conrad anywhere near Hannah because “you have a bright future ahead of you.” Which I think is the biggest compliment she’s given Conrad this season aside from occasionally commending him on the days his attention span was longer than a gnat’s.

Conrad says this is why his philosophy has always been “don’t screw the crew.” Which is a great philosophy for those who aren’t fetuses and therefore are capable of exercising self-control. The rest of the crew is aware of the drama with Conrad, Hannah, and Sandy because Conrad literally broadcasts it on the camera that streams deck activities to the crew mess. His co-workers gather around to watch him wave his arms around and complain to Colin about the altercation. “Just keep that between you and me,” he says, as though he’s also not on a reality-TV show.

Next, Kasey learns how to nestle a flower in a dinner napkin while Hannah gets called back to the wheelhouse. Sandy says she shouldn’t have been off the boat for five hours after Brooke covered for her the day and pulled a 21-hour shift. Hannah refuses to admit that she didn’t behave professionally, and Sandy says she finds her attitude “disturbing.” Nonetheless, she can’t fire Hannah because, with Adam in #NoOnions mode this season, she’s the star around which all the drama on this show orbits. And Bravo is clearly paying her enough to buy designer handbags and go to Ultra Music Fest at her leisure.

Then Hannah is back in her bunk changing her shirt and laughing deliriously as though none of this affects her but obviously it does. Adam is all, “I hear drama but I need to focus on my food.” This excludes the “onion hunt” (I mean), which he ideated but didn’t organize because that’s Hannah’s job. Hannah manages to stuff some onions between some couch cushions before returning to the Nespresso closet, where she tells Kasey she needs to exfoliate her face. She says she’ll give Kasey her Chanel — wink wink, nudge nudge — which she never gives anyone. Which was the bitchiest way to tell another person they not only have bad skin but also are poor.

Upstairs, Kenny, who I feel has been the only guest on this show for five years now, has changed out of his NEW MONEY shirt to eat onion-free minestrone soup around table décor that looks like a deconstructed Disney princess. Adam and Brooke note that Hannah is working harder than usual this dinner to compensate for being yelled at. Hannah attempts to feel less worthless by informing us, “I know what guests want and I know how to get them excited.” Well, yeah, so do I and I’ve never stepped foot on a super-yacht — it’s called alcohol.

Before the onion hunt, Joao creates some kind of diary of the chores he’s performed on the boat in proximity to Sandy, which is a creative way of kissing her ass in absence of the opportunity to eat mashed parsnips together. Sandy tells him, “Don’t let this go because you would make a great captain.” Which is still something she’s never said to Conrad.

Conrad and Hannah meet in a dark corner of the boat where Conrad tells Hannah Sandy doesn’t want to see them together “at all.” It’s a good thing Hannah is about to call him cheap and poor and make him want to break up with her!

The next morning, Kasey puts the boat’s finest turquoise dining crap on the table and the guests throw Adam into the sea, which is the “prize” for doing the onion hunt, even though the winner, Kenny’s wife, was too busy picking out the day’s caftan to participate in throwing Adam into the sea. Conrad decides to visit the kitchen to gossip with Adam about Sandy being mad at him. Adam is just sort of like “sucks to be you” and wisely doesn’t take a side. Unlike last season, when he was a torrent of Malia- and onion-related drama, Adam is now the Switzerland of cast members.

Kenny leaves the boat wearing a neon-blue floral T-shirt and matching shorts that make him look like a Sea World billboard from 1989. He gives the crew the biggest tip of the season, and Sandy goes out of her way at the tip meeting to commend everyone but Hannah and Conrad. You know the crew’s about to get lit when we cut to a shot of Hannah’s bunk, now strewn with all her purses and Chanel exfoliants and hair extensions. She affixes a fake ponytail to her scalp and off they all go to drink and fight!

Conrad asks Hannah to pay him back the 50 euros he spent on her cigarettes, which is just the kind of thing your boyfriend will do when he’s in middle school. Hannah seems astounded, and complains to Brooke because she’s just not used to a guy asking for $50! Isn’t that “weird”? Brooke goes back to the table and relays the source of Hannah’s discontent to the rest of the crew, prompting Colin — who is so nice he earlier admitted he’s sad his friendship with Joao has faltered — to say the bitchiest thing he has all season: “We are now all dumber.”

Hannah then pulls Adam into a dark staircase to talk at him about Conrad. He patiently listens as Conrad quiet walks up behind Hannah. “To your left,” Adam says, though Hannah is too busy hearing herself talk to listen to him. After she natters on for a while longer, she finally notices Conrad and is forced to go outside to talk with him, choosing to do so over huge glasses of white wine like moms escaped to book club. Conrad says he’s not the guy who’s going to pay for everything, and Hannah just wants to date a rich guy instead of one who can make her happy. At first Hannah disagrees, which gives me hope for her character because I thought she was going to say that she doesn’t really care about dating men who are wealthy. But she’s spent the whole season talking about the fashion labels she owns and how expensive her taste is, so of course she doesn’t say that. Instead she says Conrad has it twisted, she doesn’t want a rich guy necessarily, but she also doesn’t want to “adjust her lifestyle to a lifestyle he can afford.” This is where I wrote in my notes: “I hate them both.”

They go on to some da club or other in Italy, where Conrad tries to get drunk and dance like a frat bro between ice-block shots to take his mind off Hannah. Hannah finds excuses to interrupt him because if she’s not fighting with someone at any given moment she’s not content. They end up outside where Conrad keeps talking about how he “can’t give [Hannah] the M3” and actually accuses her of “digging for money.” All because he asked for 50 euros! If Hannah was so rich, wouldn’t she have given him the 50 euros without question? Thanks to Kenny, we know she can afford it.

Next week, things go further south for Hannah when she texts and the wine gets warm.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Hannah the Heartbreaker