I couldn’t quite figure out what was happening or where we were emotionally this episode. Everyone was wearing black-and-white the entire time. Were there fights? What can you use essential oils for? A bunch of fights from previous episodes were discussed or reintroduced but nothing really happened. The episode opened with a Gizelle and Karen fight and ended with a Gizelle and Monique fight. Without Gizelle, this episode would just be watching a bunch of bougie ladies drink wine in Chanel jackets. I can do that on my own time. THANK YOU. Let’s get to it.
After Gizelle screams that Ray wants to lick Erika Liles up and down, Candaice shuffles Karen out of the lobby and says that the white people are staring. Can you imagine being Erika Liles and seeing Gizelle scream that her friend’s old-ass husband wants to lick your entire body? Gizelle says that she’s tired of Karen insinuating that she has business partners when she’s built EveryHue Beauty all on her own. Robyn’s sleepy ass finally comes downstairs a full 35 minutes later. She just wanted to sleep in. They’re on vacation. Gizelle tells a full-on lie and says that the women wanted to leave without Robyn when she really shooed them off. The Housewives producers don’t let the women off the hook at all. What did you say? Oh really? Let’s roll the grainy desaturated footage?
Robyn and Gizelle take a seaside stroll and try to order crepes despite not speaking a single word of French. And the French do not give a fuck if you don’t speak French. They will openly mock your accent and your French skills. Robyn is just excited to be back in Europe because the last time she was there with Juan, all their money was gone.
The other ladies head out to the essential-oil distillery. Monique is disappointed that Robyn and Gizelle have chosen to remove themselves from the situation. When they arrive in Cassouls at the essential-oil distillery, Monique tells the owners that her name is French and Charisse asks them the only phrase douchebags know in French “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?”
In her in-the-moment interview, Monique decides to list all the things that essential oils are good for. THIS SHIT AGAIN? Some of the things are pretty harmless: bug bites, relaxation. I mean who hasn’t shoved their entire face into a lavender candle in these trying times to calm yourself down. Then Monique says that you can use essential oils for mental illness and menopause and balancing hormones. What, bitch? I just need to know How? Are you in the middle of a depressive episode and you smell some lemongrass and you’re back at it? She says “any ailment you can think of.” Really, Monique? You wanna play this game because I listen to medical-history podcasts. What the fuck can essential oils do to cure the bends or gout?
This is what I have to latch onto because there’s not a lot else.
I mean sure, Monique asks if Ashley is there spying for Robyn and Gizelle, and Ashley locks that away in her head to start a petty conversation later, and Gizelle says she doesn’t trust Monique and Charisse’s friendship. But they all head out to Grasse to visit the perfumery and poke at Karen’s insecurities.
Robyn and Gizelle arrive in Grasse first and they see the women walking toward them singing a song about being together in love. They are fucking insufferable. I love these fucking idiots. Robyn asks them about wanting to leave without her and everyone says that they wanted to wait. Gizelle reveals in her confessional that she just wanted to spend time with Robyn. Just let Gizelle and Robyn admit that they’re in love with each other. That’s what this franchise could use: a torrid lesbian love affair. Tell me I’m wrong.
Candaice reveals that she can count to ten and uses it as an opportunity to brag that she worked in the Obama administration. They also show a truly tragic photo of Candaice before she learned to contour and highlight. Candaice is also one of those bitches who always must show off her singing. She’ll just start over-singing wherever you are. No one wants to hear a Mary J. Blige song about the big gelato balls, girl. Can’t you tell that no one is laughing? Candaice not noticing that no one is into her singing is the textbook example of her personality.
They head into the perfume shop and Karen suddenly takes an interest in the operations of the shop and the French lady working there. Again, this is just a silly little interlude for the ladies and Monique and Gizelle to talk about measurements and percentages and business! The ladies all get a candle to take home and Gizelle and Ashley says one of the candles smells like “padussy” and I had to lie down and recover.
After the perfumery, the ladies sit down for dinner and Karen and Gizelle attempt to apologize to each other but Karen is incapable of anyone looking in her direction without deflecting and being defensive. Gizelle notices that Karen is traveling without her wedding ring. Karen says that she just didn’t feel like wearing her ring. BULLSHIT. For someone who invents an elaborate web of lies around herself, Karen isn’t very good at it. Ashley immediately calls bullshit. She says that Ray is ready to move to Florida with or without Karen. If Karen ends up some Miss Havisham–type character alone in a rented house drinking Champagne for two alone, we will have accomplished all we can accomplish.
Ashley decides to start another bit of drama and suggests that Charisse is going around talking about Monique behind her back. Robyn and Gizelle jump in to confirm that Charisse has been going around saying that Monique is trying to use her friend list. Charisse might not have started the rumor but she’s certainly not challenging anyone when they say it. Monique says that her husband is a football player, and everyone knows him so she doesn’t need anyone’s contacts. She’s her own independent businesswoman using her husband’s contacts? Then there’s the issue of Kyndall.
The Kyndall caper. Who brought Kyndall around? Monique basically screams “IT WAS CHARISSE’S IDEA!” and Charisse says she was just excited for a little messiness. Monique was the one who kept reaching out to Kyndall. Give Kyndall a *squints* glass of Champagne and a tagline and let her answer this drama.
As they all file out to leave, Candaice takes this moment to bring up the emotional trauma she suffered when everyone laughed at her and everyone is like, “Bye girl, the cabs are here.”
The next day, everyone takes some time to relax and all I want to do is go to Cannes and sit by the pool with these women. Karen and Candaice go out for coffee and Candaice opens up about everyone laughing in her fucking face. First Karen reminds her that the best time to have an emotional conversation is not between the check being signed and the cabs arriving. Karen says that Candaice needs to stop reminding everyone of her “accomplishments” and embellishing about her life and just be a real normal person. Meanwhile, Robyn and Ashley are talking about Candaice by the pool and Robyn says she grew up like Candaice did and she doesn’t feel the need to apologize for it.
Karen asks Candaice what else is special about herself and Candaice bursts into tears. Karen was trying to say there’s more to you than your pageant background but I like to think that was the moment Candaice realized there is nothing else special about her.
Monique invites Gizelle over to her room for breakfast to smooth things over from the night before. Gizelle knows that this is because Monique cares more about her reputation than actually apologizing. Every apology from Monique comes with a “Well, see. This is what actually happened …” Whether or not Monique was trying to get a rise out of Gizelle while she was inviting Kyndall around, she kept inviting Kyndall places and played dumb when Gizelle had a problem with it. Then Gizelle says “You tried to take a shot and you missed. I don’t miss. I’m a ninja waiting in the cut to blow your face off.”
If Monique were smart, she would run the fuck away from Gizelle because if any black lady tells you something like that, she’s not playing.