For a moment there, Becca seemed to be out of the darkness. Her eyes were full of life again and the simmering misandry seemed to cool but now it’s been replaced with an indignant rage at a violation in the Girl Code. Hasn’t this woman been through enough? Haven’t we put her through enough punishment? For Christ’s sake, ABC. Hasn’t Becca given you enough blood? Enough suffering? She had to be engaged to Arie. Isn’t that enough? Apparently not. Apparently, you soulless monsters want to watch her suffer just a little bit more. So you bring Tia back one more goddamn time and have her confess she still has feelings for a virgin she went on one date with. This episode was humming along nicely so why not throw in a little Tia-Colton drama for absolutely no reason other than to set up a plotline on Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s get to it.
It’s time for the hometown dates and up first is Garrett’s date. Becca loves to run and jump into her man’s arms. We get it, Becca. You’re skinny. Becca can hardly keep her smile off her face when she’s with Garrett. If the show wants us to accept that Garrett is a … oh what’s the word? “A decent human being who doesn’t laugh at the pain of others,” the show needs to do a little more work to show Becca and Garrett having some serious conversations about their future beyond planting tomato plants. I know it’s not The Bachelorette’s “thing” but they could make it their thing. There’s gotta be some footage somewhere of Becca asking Garrett who he voted for and talking about it. Unless that just doesn’t matter if you’re two white people with strong chins. (Also, it hit me during this episode and now I can’t unsee it. Garrett looks and talks like Brendan Fraser as the dumb basketball player in Bedazzled.)
After riding around on a tractor and planting a rose bush, they head to Garrett’s family’s house. Everyone is nervous because Garrett hasn’t brought anyone home since that HARPY left him. The SUCCUBUS that Garrett was married to before drained the life out of him and now Becca is here to fill him up again. Garrett’s sister takes him aside and immediately bursts into tears. Maybe my brothers don’t care this much about me but they’ve never burst into tears talking about my romantic failings. Everyone warns Becca that Garrett’s mom is going to be the one to impress but Becca wins her over by telling her she fell for Garrett when he gave her some orange slices. Garrett’s family is impressed with Becca and they give her the stamp of approval. Garrett tells her that he’s falling in love with her and Becca says everything about their relationship is falling into place.
The next hometown date is Jason’s! He’s way too excited about Buffalo! I don’t think anyone has any preconceived notions about Buffalo! America doesn’t think that much about Buffalo! Buffalo: The Jennifer Garner of cities but like Jennifer Garner now!
Jason and Becca start their day by heading to the home of the original Buffalo wing and participating in a Buffalo-wing-eating contest. At this point in the episode, I’ve heard the word “Buffalo” repeated so much it’s lost all meaning. At the wing-eating contest, they ask Becca blue cheese or ranch and she answers “There’s no ranch in Buffalo” and the crowd loses their fucking minds. Is this … a thing? I do not understand white culture.
After they make out with Buffalo sauce all over their faces, they head to a hockey rink where Jason talks about his brother’s marriage and it’s really cute. He says he’s tired of being the fifth wheel to his parents and his brother and his brother’s husband. Hearing Jason talk about his brother’s marriage was very sweet and it felt like the smallest step forward for The Bachelorette in terms of representation. Jason takes Becca to his family’s Buffalo home and is it just me or is Jason’s mom, Dale, a little wine drunk?
Jason doesn’t really have a tragic backstory so there wasn’t much there except his brother’s AMAZING head of hair. Jason, you could be serving Timothée Chalamet eleganza with your family’s genetics. Don’t deny us what could be hiding underneath all that gel.
Also, take your coat off in the in-the-moment interviews.
Jason’s biggest struggle is to tell Becca how he really feels and his brother yells at him to get his shit together and confess his love. Jason says that he’s wildly in love with Becca and he can say that with the utmost confidence. They make out.
Now it’s time for Blake’s hometown visit. I don’t even know what to say about this hometown date. My emotions were veering wildly. At first, I was rolling my eyes because Blake is one of those people who liked high school, who has a “good relationship” with his coaches and former teachers, but then I was stunned into silence when he revealed that his school was the site of a school shooting. I mean — OH MY GOD? Lord Jesus, protect Blake.
The show didn’t do much to help the wild emotional swings when Blake wrapped up his story about surviving a school shooting while his mother and sister were in the building and whisks Becca off to see her alleged favorite singer, Betty Who. I was just excited it wasn’t a vaguely famous country singer but a vaguely famous electropop singer.
They head to his house and it seems like both of his parents are there with their new spouses. I needed an explainer of who was with who. Everyone in Blake’s family is concerned that he’s going to be heartbroken again and I could not take it if this sweet baby sea otter had his heart broken by Becca. His mom talks about how difficult his breakup was. I can’t take another moment of sadness for Blake but my God, does he already have his Bachelor intro package ready. Blake and Becca are hopeful, and he tells her that he loves her one more time.
Finally, it’s time for Colton’s hometown date. Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital where he does his charity work and that was pretty damn cute. They both comment that the other one would be a good parent. Colton even says that Becca has that “motherly feel” which is also how the clothes at Talbots are described. Becca is taken to meet 18 people and Colton tells his little cousin that Becca is his girlfriend. Becca and Colton spend the entire home visit reminding Colton’s parents that he’s a virgin. Colton’s mom tells Becca that Colton is falling in love with her and he’s ready to take the next step. When she leaves, he tells her he’s in love with her.
Then Becca goes to sit down with her gaggle of girlfriends for no other reason than to give Tia the opportunity to tell Becca that she still has feelings for Colton, someone she went on one date with. Sorry, Tia. Your window of opportunity has expired. You had your chance at the weird makeshift spa. Tia also can’t keep her anxiety off her face while Becca is talking about the great date she had with Colton. You can do that Simpsons gag and pause on the exact moment her heart rips in half. When Tia takes Becca aside and tells her about her feelings for Colton, Becca’s eyes go black like a shark’s.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. On the way in the building, Colton stops Host Chris and asks him to explain what happens in the fantasy suites.
Fucking, Colton. Fucking happens.
Chris tells him that no one has to do anything in the fantasy suite they don’t want to and he literally says, “It’s private. That’s like the whole point of it.” Oh, Colton. You’re not long for this world.
Becca gives her roses to Jason, Blake, and Garrett.
She walks Colton out and explains to him that his dad told her to break his heart a little bit now rather than wait and crush his entire existence if she knows he’s not the one. It’s not her fault! His dad made her do it! Colton goes to the limo, gets in, shuts his eyes, and lies perfectly still for three full minutes.
Becca heads back inside after calming herself down and re-sequining her gown and tells the guys that they’re jetting off to Thailand!