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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Pity Poor Colton

Bachelor in Paradise

Episode 2
Season 5 Episode 2
Editor’s Rating *****

Bachelor in Paradise

Episode 2
Season 5 Episode 2
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Paul Hebert/ABC

There aren’t any arrivals of new contestants this episode, but there is one arrival that that throws this whole thing into chaos. Becca shows up.

Becca is like someone who quit working at T.G.I. Fridays to go to law school but keeps showing up during the dinner shift to hang out. You can get two meats and two sides for $14.99 at any T.G.I. Fridays in the county. You don’t have to come to the one all your friends still work at. Why is Becca here? Isn’t she engaged and happy and supposed to be living her life with her bigot boyfriend? Go home, Becca. Quit rubbing it in our faces that we still work minimum wage and have to put on those suspenders every day. You’re supposed to be above this now. You’ve entered the temple of the dosh khaleen, who will oversee the initiation of the newest Bachelorette. You’ll dance around the fire as she eats an entire horse heart. Parading around in front of your failed conquests is not what we need you to do.

There are two very real problems with Becca’s arrival in Paradise. The first is that Becca is completely incapable of refusing what production asks of her. This would not be anyone’s idea of fun so clearly production asked her to do this. The second and bigger problem is that Bachelor in Paradise doesn’t give a single, solitary, lone fuck about Colton and his well-being.
I’m going to say something I never thought I would say.
I’m with Colton on this.

He hasn’t done anything wrong! Name one wrong and unkind thing he’s done. He didn’t talk to Tia first? Do you hear yourself?! He didn’t commit to Tia? He doesn’t have to! He doesn’t know what he wants? He’s on the Bachelor franchise. No one here knows what they want.

Tia seems to have built up whatever she had with Colton in her mind into something more than it was. She goes from agreeing to see where it goes with him to demanding that he commit to her. She also tells eeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrryyyooonneee every single thing about their “relationship” without any nuance or consideration for Colton’s feelings. She doesn’t have to protect Colton’s feelings but goddamn, can she chill for like eight seconds?

Chris has also decided that Colton is enemy No. 1 and the only people who can take him down are THE GOOSE GANG. The only thing worse that someone giving themselves a nickname is someone who names their group of friends after their own self-given nickname. Colton and Tia have been on two dates MAX and everyone is acting like Colton professed his love to her and is ignoring her in public. The Goose Gang’s beef with Colton is coming off like three guys who were eliminated before the halfway point of Becca’s season getting mad at someone because a girl has a crush on him. It’s not a good look, gang.

Either way, it’s a new day in Paradise and without any new arrivals, it’s time for everyone to decide what they’re going to do with their roses. But first, there’s a date card. Kenny gets the date card and he takes all the girls aside to figure out who to ask. After kissing all of their hands because he’s a gentleman, he picks Krystal. I mean he literally picks her up off the ground and carries her to a luchador match. He explains some of the characters in the match to Krystal when suddenly a luchador tries to give Krystal a kiss on the hand. He’s not going to steal Kenny’s move so Kenny takes his shirt off and jumps in the ring. We all should have seen this coming but it’s fun as fuck. Krystal is so grateful to see Kenny doing his thing. After the match, Kenny says luchadors give their ladies their mask because only their ladies can see them without their mask. He says he doesn’t have a mask and he leans in and gives her a kiss. Kenny has some moves.

David can’t keep Jordan’s name out of his mouth and continues to fall back on that instead of developing a personality. David tells Anneliese that Jordan isn’t there for the right reasons. Hold on, “the right reasons”? This is Paradise. Half of you have been texting each other before taping began to start your relationships before heading down to the beach. There are no “right reasons” here. Anneliese gives Jordan another chance and he sets up a dinner for them on the beach. They make out on the beach.

Yuki arrives to be the bartender. She has impossibly long nails and hair. Either she’s got a great source for acrylics or I need to know the exact biotin cocktail she’s on.

While Kenny and Krystal are on their date, Kevin starts to freak out because he had been bonding with Kyrstal. Instead of feeling down, he starts hanging out with Astrid and they make out.

Everyone begins getting ready for the rose ceremony and making their predictions of where the roses are going. The girls all corner Tia to continue this outrageous drama with Colton. Tia knows she has to stand up for herself and demand that a guy she met two months ago that she went on two dates with that was dating her best friend has to figure out what he wants.

It’s time for the cocktail party and Kendall says that Grocery Store Joe is a nerd.

No.

NO.

What fucking definition of “nerd” is everyone using here? There is no universe in which anyone who could or would ever appear on a Bachelor franchise is a nerd. Have any of these people eaten lunch alone in the sixth grade?

Kendall is torn between Grocery Store Joe and Venmo John. Two men whose status as “catches” should show you how low the bar truly is. Nick and David are vying for a rose from Chelsea and Jordan gives Anneliese a big stuffed dog to get over her trauma.

Tia decides to take Colton aside and unloads all of the anxiety and completely unrealistic expectations for the situation she’s been hoarding inside her own head onto Colton, to fuck his whole day up. Tia is also NOT putting herself in a situation like Kristina and Dean, because Dean had committed to Kristina for weeks and was very public about their relationship. They also went on more than one date.

Tia says that she’s not ready to be in Colton’s back pocket until he’s ready to be interested. She could also move on. Tia is framing the whole thing as if she’s not completely willing to be in Colton’s back pocket if he talked to her first on the first day. Colton also says that he’s fine if Tia kisses Chris or anyone else.

TIA CANNOT BELIEVE. She simply cannot BELIEVE that Colton wouldn’t feel some kinda way about her kissing Chris. When you have a guy shrugging about you kissing someone else, it’s over. She keeps saying, “Really? Really? Kissing?!?” like it’s going to change Colton’s mind. Tia, Colton is dead inside. Move along. Tia also finds a way to threaten Colton with the rose by letting him know that no one else wants to give him a rose so he better commit to her. When he still won’t, she says she’s tired of fighting for their relationship. Bitch, what relationship? She says she deserves something great.

So she settles for Chris even though she cannot bring herself to kiss Chris the entire episode.

Colton tries to take some girl named Angela aside but she’s feeling a little weird about him since Tia has spent the last six days trash-talking Colton.
Time for the rose ceremony. The rose couples are Krystal and Kenny, Astrid and Kevin, Tia and Chris, Kendall and Joe, Anneliese and Jordan, Nysha and Eric, Chelsea and Eric, Angela and John. The last person to give out a rose is Bibiana and she gives it to Colton because he deserves to stay.

FOR SOME REASON I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, NO ONE GIVES WILLS THEIR ROSE. WHO COULD INGORE HIS STYLE? HIS BRAIDS? HIS SWEET, SOFT-SPOKEN MANNER? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. THIS IS A TRAGEDY. THIS IS WILLS.

Also Nick goes home.

The next day, Becca arrives. Colton has a complete and total meltdown. It must be hard enough to be around one ex-girlfriend but seeing the girl you said “I love you” to talking to your ex who is currently doing everything she can to turn everyone against you is A LOT. Colton can barely string a sentence together when all the guys tells Becca that Colton is crying alone in his room.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Pity Poor Colton