overnights

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood Recap: 808s and Food Fights

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood

Pretty Hurts
Season 5 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating *****

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood

Pretty Hurts
Season 5 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: VH1

This week’s episode of Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood serves as a public service announcement on the dangers of getting butt injections, a relatively new fad made famous by the likes of Nicki Minaj, Cardi B, and the other famous reality star named Kimberly. The artist formerly known as K. Michelle regrets getting butt injections about as much as I regret knowing what butt injections are. The burden is especially heavy for Kimberly because her doctor says she could be dealing with the ramifications of this procedure for the rest of her life. All Kimberly wants is her health back and she gets surgery to remove as much silicone as possible. This is very graphic, and if Mona Scott’s intention is to convince viewers to think twice about ass shots, then I gladly take the pledge #itakethepledgeagainstinjections. In an industry that glorifies dramatic body modification, I appreciate Kimberly showing us the dark sides of surgery that we’d only see on reruns of Nip/Tuck. It’s all very sad and real and grating. I wish Kimberly a speedy recovery.

In a dance studio, Golden Delicious Apple Watts and Lyrica confide in each other about the men that are (not so) in their lives. Lyrica admits that she misses her husband and wants to work things out. Lyrica needs to speak to her husband. I shouldn’t feel like I have better lines of communication with customer service at Spirit Airlines than Lyrica has with A1. Fuji Apple Watts gets a calls from her estranged father, and confides that she’s having trouble reconnecting with him because he abandoned her in foster care. She explains, “You’ve been gone all my life, your daughter is in the streets, what’s good?!” And then Gala Apple Watts immediately begins to cry, revealing that behind her tough veneer she’s hiding deep-seated scars. We can all relate to wearing a mask to keep from being vulnerable so this moment resonates.

After these two emotionally taxing scenes, we head to a random park where Teairra Marie works out in full hair and makeup with her boyfriend who most certainly has a wife. Teairra is not upset with Akbar because “relationships are built on trust and Akbar is my man so I have to trust him.” Um … NO! NOPE! NYET! NAH! Ladies and gentlemen, we do not need to trust someone just because we’re dating them. We should date them because we trust them. The only thing we have to do is die and pay taxes. In the words of the Patron Saint of February Pisces, Rihanna, “Nothing is promised … available on Apple Music.”

At a salon, Brooke and Bridget Kelly get their hair done. Brooke has absolutely beautiful hair and I would rank our villainess’s tresses somewhere between Scar from The Lion King and Ursula from The Little Mermaid. This is high praise and her stylist should get a spinoff show. But I digress … Brooke and Bridget Kelly rehash the Marcus drama like the show doesn’t open with “Last Week on Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood.” Then, Bridget Kelly agrees to help Brooke with a special project without even knowing the details. Folks, this is why you don’t make a deal with the devil: It never ends well. Paris walks in and shares the Akbar drama. Brooke, dedicated to moving the plot along, offers the gym where Akbar’s other girlfriend works. I find this entire conversation to be about as organic as a Twinkie.

Outside a pretend video shoot, A1 and Marcus rehash the Brooke drama. There are too many discussions in this episode about what happened in last week’s episode. Marcus states that he’s committed to Brooke, whom A1 refers to as a trip to Crazyland. Mind you, A1 is dressed like Mr. Mint from Candyland, so he has no business insulting Brooke. Marcus doesn’t care what A1 thinks because he’s excited to get Brooke’s “honey bun.” Honey buns never expire but if my significant other ever referred to my sex parts as a processed treat, our relationship would surely be over. A1 says that he misses Lyrica because she stood by him when RoccStar, the man she was feeding gossip to, came for him at the showcase. Lyrica and A1 have the most immature love affair. It’s like a game of MASH gone horribly awry. Marcus tries to talk A1 out of seeing his wife because (1) he’s a bad friend, and (2) while Brooke is “crazy” she is not a “liar”. If this is how these men refer to the women they love, I’d hate to hear how they speak about the woman they hate. (Spoiler alert: It’s not great!)

Speaking of hating women, RoccStar is at some bar trying to figure out how to get Amber Diamond “alone.” This is predatory rhetoric and I have no respect for a man that can’t work with a woman without trying to have sex with her. Did we learn anything from the #MeToo era or are we supposed to pretend that this is acceptable behavior? It is not. RoccStar behaves like a tool. At one point, Shun Love, Amber Diamond’s mom and manager hands him $20,000 and RoccStar pretends the stack of cash is a telephone. This raises so many questions, most importantly: Why does this woman have so much cash on her?

At a diner across town, Empire Apple Watts confronts her father for leaving her in foster care. He claims that if she had just reached out to him he would have let her stay at his house. NOPE! That’s not how this works. It’s is job as a parent to take care of the kids he made. He offers to pay for group therapy for them, which I see as the bare minimum he could do after decades of neglect. Braeburn Apple Watts says that this experience inspires her to be better, grind harder, and work on her music. I respect that she channels her pain into a productive outlets.

On some deck, Lyrica calmly tells A1, once and for all, that there was nothing between her and Safaree. A1 acknowledges that if she had said this when he first confronted her, all this drama would have been avoided. He’s right. Lyrica hands him a pregnancy test covered in urine and announces her pregnancy. I cannot think of a worse time in a marriage to have a child, but the couple tells themselves that they are in a good place. In fact, they are in such a “good” place, they are worried about sharing the “good” news with their family. This is a red flag.

At the studio, RoccStar continues to be a horrible person. Amber Diamond wants people to know her as more than just Sisqo’s ex-girlfriend which … wait. We didn’t know she was Sisqo’s girlfriend in the first place. Honestly, the only Cisco the kids know is the sound operating system. The problem with Amber Diamond is that she can’t sing. The music industry is full of many people who can’t sing, that’s why producers like RoccStar get paid thousands of dollars to slap Auto-Tune on a track. But instead of being kind, RoccStar gasses Amber Diamond up and tells her she ranks with Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. This is mean. Amber takes this opportunity to complain about her helicopter momma, as if her mother isn’t the reason she’s in the studio in the first place. Ugh.

At a dress store, Brooke and her intern Bridget Kelly discuss Brooke’s “surprise,” which is very obviously an ambush wedding. Bridget Kelly has come to the conclusion that after knowing Brooke for one year, the woman is “batshit crazy.” I hate that everyone calls Brooke “crazy.” Brooke is a masterful reality-TV cast member who plays up drama and tension to keep her role on the show. The only thing “crazy” about her are her edges because they are laid.

Paris goes to the gym and gets trained by Akbar’s whole other girlfriend, Alessandra. I use the term “whole” because this man is surrounded by more women than Shaggy. Paris waits to confront Alessandra until Nikki is there because Alessandra can beat her up. This is a fair strategy. But I’ll add, why are they confronting this woman at her workplace about something that has nothing to do with them? Why don’t they respect that this women has autonomy over her own body and can make thoughtful decisions about her relationship? Why don’t they mind their business and get their own story line? But I digress … Nikki finally arrives and we discover that Alessandra knows about Akbar’s wife, Not Sade, and she doesn’t care. This is enough of an explanation for me. But instead, Nikki insults Alessandra, calling her a brainwashed sister-wife. Truly, Nikki and Paris didn’t need to meet this woman in the first place especially if they were just going to insult her.

At a lunch, Lyrica and A1 tell the Bentleys that they are getting back together. This is simple because they never legally separated. The Bentleys — A1’s brother Floyd (or is it Lloyd?), his sister-in-law, and his mother — absolutely hate the idea of Lyrica and A1 reconnecting because they hate Lyrica. Swears and insults are traded until Lyrica G gets there. That’s when the argument devolves from African-American standoff to food fight. It’s a mess literally and figuratively. But stay tuned for next week on LHHH where there will be a not-so-surprising surprise wedding.

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood Recap: 808s and Food Fights