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The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Bones to Pick

The Real Housewives Of Orange County

Judge, Jury, and Gina
Season 13 Episode 4
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Bravo

There are many places that Victoria Denise Gunvalson Junior should be, like a sale at Chicos, a concert by a Neil Diamond cover band, and yelling at an employee at the DMV. One place where Vicki should never be is with you at a visit to your doctor’s office. Tamra takes her to see her super hot orthopedist to talk about the hot tub–related injury she sustained in Puerto Vallarta. Vicki asks the doctor, “When is she going to be able to whoop it up again?” That is not that question that needs answering. What she needs to answer is, “When can I walk and exercise again so I can, you know, go about my life and business.” At this point taking tequila shots and showing her tits to strangers is the last thing on Tamra’s mind.

I do think that Tamra should always have her weird broken knee scooter with her though. There is something very hard about Tamra and the way she comes across to people, but how the hell can you get upset by an adult who is basically cruising around on the world’s most juvenile conveyance. She had a “J’adore Tequila” backpack or something strapped to that scooter like an Amish girl who just started her rumspringa, but whatever. Not everything can be perfect.

While Tamra and Vicki are at the doctor’s, Shannon is at home testing out the low-calorie frozen meals she made for QVC. I know you can’t see this at home, reader, but I just let out a sigh so large and mighty that it shook the pine trees and drove the foam back into the ocean. There is so much that is wrong with that. First of all, how can I put this delicately, I don’t know that Shannon is necessarily at a point where she can be the poster child to a weight-loss line quite yet. She doesn’t look bad. Actually, I think Shannon looks better at this particular weight than she did when she was skinnier and first on the show. However, she doesn’t look like someone’s whose figure is going to inspire me to spend $13.99 in frozen meals off the television.

How are these meals even going to get to people? They’re going to ship them to you in an ice cube and you just slowly let them thaw in your sink until you’re ready to eat them? I totally get why people would order Lisa Rinna’s impossibly long dusters off of the television, but Shannon Beador’s packaged meals? This all seems bad. Especially because her daughters don’t have the nicest words for them. “Something about this is very strong.” Yeah, that is not criticism that can be read as a compliment. That is just some daughters who are astute enough to know that if their mother is criticized at all she will crumble like a three-month-old gingerbread house.

Emily and Gina, the new girls, are doing things on their own. Gina takes her kids to the zoo. That seems fun. Emily does a family exercise class with her kids, her husband’s parents, and her sister-in-law. This kind of thing should be outlawed. How can there be one class that can accommodate for all of these fitness levels and still be challenging for everyone? This is sort of like buying one-size-fits-all pajamas for Christmas morning. It will work for everyone, but it’s not going to be flattering on anyone. They also featured way more of Pary, Emily’s mother-in-law and not enough of the super hot personal trainer. Please don’t make Pary try to happen. She is like a bargain basement Momma Elsa and we don’t need another shitty housewife with a zany mother. That combination never works.

The big fight of the episode, once again, is what is going on with Vicki, Kelly, and Kelly’s ex-husband Michael, whom Vicki went out on several double dates with. Ugh, this fight is so annoying because it is one of those stupid and clear-cut Housewives fights that should be dispensed with quickly but Vicki is dragging out like a piece of toxic taffy. The two of them meet at a coffee shop and after Kelly tries to explain her emotions for Vicki for the 13th time, Vicki, once again, has to tell Kelly why she is right.

This is the problem with Vicki. When someone calls out her behavior as bad or wrong, she has to explain to them why she is actually right. Vicki could avoid all of this with a simple, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Now I know. I won’t do it again.” That’s all she needs to say, that’s all she needs to do. Instead, she turns it into a confrontation because she refuses to see Shannon’s point of view and doubles down on her behavior, as indefensible as it might be.

The other problem is that Vicki fundamentally misunderstands the argument. Vicki thinks that Kelly’s problem is that Michael is dating someone else. That is not the problem. The problem is that Vicki didn’t say anything to Kelly. That is what Kelly is mad about. Vicki needs to first identify the problem so that she can tell Kelly how wrong she really is. God, it’s time to just get Vicki off of this show. I don’t know if I can survive another season with her.

At dinner all of the women meet Emily and Gina for the first time and Kelly brings it up again. I will agree with Vicki that if Kelly really had forgiven her and moved on she shouldn’t have brought it up again. However, Kelly did want to make sure Vicki knew she was the only one who thought she was in the right. Vicki does not care about that. Look at what happened with Brooks. Look at what happened with calling Eddy gay. Even when she is in the most indefensible position imaginable, she will still fight against everyone and reason just so that they will think she’s right.

I thought Gina handled the whole thing well at dinner by telling Vicki that she was wrong and not compromising her moral compass. She also played it right when she went for a walk with Vicki to try to explain herself. OH, and I loved her pink hat, matching top, and turquoise necklace. I know this broad has two more episodes before we can finally weigh in on her, but she is looking good to me.

The worst part of the whole episode though is when Kelly brought her new man to dinner. There is no reason why this dude, who looks like his personal style icon is the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World, should have been invited to dinner. The girls didn’t want this. They only wanted to press their sticky fish lips together in a public place and that broke that party up faster than throwing a Baby Ruth in the water at a pool party. If only we could find a way to throw a Baby Ruth at Vicki and get her to leave this show for good.

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Bones to Pick