overnights

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Italian Scallions

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Italian Night Fight
Season 13 Episode 10
Editor’s Rating *****

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Italian Night Fight
Season 13 Episode 10
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Bravo

I think that maybe everyone needs to leave Gina alone about her divorce. She and her incredibly hot partner Matt, who we have never seen on the show, decided to get divorced because they’re “not right for each other,” even though Gina says that they’re best friends, they still have sex, and they support each other unconditionally. Because of all of those things all of these women think that they should stay together and are being very vocal with Gina about her decision.

It starts with Kelly and Gina go to scale some stairs near the ocean as a workout. I don’t disagree with Kelly that a stair-climbing exercise regimen would be great for one’s posterior (just ask about my ass after two decades of living in walk-up apartments) but the way these two are doing it doesn’t seem to help. They stop halfway down and just chat for a bit. They saunter their way to the top with enough breath to have a very easy and casual conversation. If they’re not even a little bit winded they’re probably doing this version of cardio wrong. The real takeaway from this scene seems to be that Kelly, along with all of the other women don’t understand Gina’s decision.

The hard thing for Gina is that talking about divorce with this very specific group of women is like taking a group of soldiers with PTSD to a fireworks display. Shannon is right in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce and Kelly is still smarting from her second separation from a man who looks like one of John Wayne Gacy’s clown paintings. Vicki and Don’s divorce wasn’t so bad, but she admits to anyone who will listen that she regrets the decision now that she’s been swindled for a lot of money by at least one grifter. And look at what Tamra is still going through with her ex, Simon, a man who continues to rain down cruelty on her long after they’ve been separated.

Gina comes to this group and says, “Oh yeah, it’s all going to be as cool as a surf lesson followed by yoga and an açai bowl,” and the rest of them are like, “Girl you better listen to us.” But instead of giving Gina advice on how to go forward with her divorce and admit the mistakes they made or trying to educate her on how to adjust to single life with kids, they’re questioning her very decision. Yes, why she’s breaking up with him might be foreign to them, but shouldn’t they support her decision? Shouldn’t they at least think that she’s intelligent enough to know what is best emotionally for her and her family? And can’t they grasp that every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way and that Gina’s might be much more manageable than theirs?

Gina really doesn’t make it easy on herself though. When the women raise objections or offer advice she keeps on arguing with them about her motives. If she just said, “Oh, okay. I’ll think about that,” and just let them have their say, they’d totally forget about it. But, as Tamra says, what exactly is going on is none of their business. Vicki thinks there is an affair — as some of the others seem to — but if Gina and Matt don’t want to share the deeper reasoning behind their divorce that’s up to them!

After being yelled at during Vicki’s weird Italian dinner cooked by the extra flirty Chef Boyare-Dees-Nuts, Gina gets up and goes to cry in the bathroom because she doesn’t want anyone to see her upset. She goes and calls Matt on the phone and tells him that the women are being mean and they won’t support her or even understand their decision to separate. “I just need a pep talk,” she tells him. It’s so wonderful and cute and I couldn’t help but think to myself why are you leaving this man who is so wonderful and supportive? I hate when I can’t even take my own advice.

The other insane thing at that dinner was when Victoria Denise Gunvalson Jr. told Gina she can’t get divorced because she said “before God” that she would be married forever. “Well, I don’t believe in God,” Gina says offhandedly and a ripple went through the room like a ghost unlatching all of their bras all at once. It was suddenly like the dinner in Beetlejuice where the shrimp cocktail came to life and grabbed everyone by the face hole.

Vicki, incredulous, says, “You don’t believe in God?” to which Gina replies, “I believe in myself.” Vicki then says, “That’s why you’re in this place.” Oh, that’s why? If she believed in God, he’d put some kind of magic bubble around her relationship like he’s Glinda the Good Witch or something? How does believing in God keep women from getting divorced? It certainly didn’t help with any of the people around the table. Then Vicki alleges that Gina has no “moral compass for her soul.” Gina’s right, that’s stupid. Atheists have morals and there are plenty of true believers who are real assholes. Morals have nothing to do with religion; just ask, I don’t know, all of those priests that abuse children. There is nothing more rancid than religion on a reality show and while RHOC has a tendency to wear their crucifixes on their sleeves (or at least one of Lynne Curtain’s cuffs) it’s still not nearly as bad as any episode of Survivor or American Ninja Warrior where the Bible-beating is essentially the show’s theme song.

The only other big news of this episode is that Gina orchestrated for Kelly to come over to her house and apologize to her husband Ring Toe so that they could start having some sort of relationship. Kelly manages to apologize without calling him a “dork” once again. I really have to thank Kelly for reminding me what a base and glorious insult “dork” is. It just really gets to the bottom of your high-school soul and scatters your books right out of your hand and down the hallway. No matter how you’ve grown or matured as an adult, no matter how much self-confidence one might have, just those four curt letters are enough to send that flying like the snot from a sneeze.

However, we do need to repeat that Ring Toe is actually not, in fact, sarcastic. He just hides his insults behind a mask of “snarkasm” (as Emily calls it) so he can call people out whenever he wants. When Kelly says she needs a court reporter to follow her around so she can remember why she got in arguments, he says, “That could actually work against you.” Emily says that is sarcasm, but it is not. He is not using irony to mock Kelly. He actually means that. That is the truth.

Then he told Kelly that she should have more evidence when she approached Steve at Tamra’s party she told him that was the lawyer in him talking. “No, that’s just common sense,” he says. Again, not sarcasm. He means that. He actually thinks that Kelly is not sensible enough to know how to win an argument on her own. (I don’t think she is either, but still.) The only time that Ring Toe is actually sarcastic is when he says that they’re just going to “sit there and make fun of Kelly until she leaves.” That is ironic because they’re not actually going to do it. However I don’t know if it’s sarcastic because I think Ring Toe would actually like to do that. He would ruin them all, run them all over with a billion bulldozers until it’s just him and his ill-fitting shirts starting out at the God-fearing sea, wondering just who is going to cook his dinner now that all the women are gone.

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Italian Scallions