Was this episode supposed to air May 12, 2019? This whole thing feels like a Mother’s Day tribute episode. Between sonograms and tearful expressions of gratitude, this was a whole lot of motherly love. I’m not complaining, trust me. I’m someone who burst into tears three separate times watching Crazy Rich Asians on an airplane. I am here for emotionally fraught relationships with mothers depicted on-screen, but this just felt a little seasonally inappropriate. It’s the week after Christmas and the day before New Year’s Eve, we should be organizing a charity bake sale or a charity skate-a-thon or a charity fundraiser for charity fundraisers. But believe that I am not complaining. My heart was breaking all over this episode. Li’l Noelle! Baby PJ! Todd! Let’s get to it!
First, let’s talk about Porsha, who only appears very briefly in this episode but boy, does she make an impact. The episode starts with her in bed moaning because she has gas. She thinks that PJ, Porsha Jr., has passed gas inside her, so now she has gas. Lauren suggests that Dennis stick his finger up Porsha’s butt to release the gas … Is that … a thing? I don’t think it works that way. Your asshole isn’t like a twisted balloon. If the gas wants to get out, it’ll get out. Then Porsha says that she starts her day by waiting for Dennis to go make them breakfast so she can fart in private. Porsha, you’re having a baby. Just fart.
I also want to offer up the question: Has a man ever broken up with a woman because she farted in front of him? And a follow-up question: If a man has broken up with a woman for farting, is that man still a virgin?
Maybe this bout of gas is just built-up gas from all … let me run the numbers, here … six months of dating.
Then Porsha heads off to the doctor to get her first ultrasound. The best moment here is Dennis asking, “Is that a condom?” and Porsha going, “Yes, Dennis. That’s what a condom looks like.” I mean, I know what’s going on here, but DAMN! Y’all are out here banging people raw without being on birth control? In the year of our Lord Lizzo? Okay. Sure. I need to move on.
The main emotional story of the episode concerns Cynthia and Noelle. These two people are so intertwined that Noelle isn’t remotely ready to head off to college. Cynthia has thrown her a going-away party (with none of Noelle’s friends) and instead of enjoying a mason jar full of dip, Noelle refuses to come out of her room and collapses in her mother’s arms like Fosca from Passion. Mallory and Cynthia’s mother are not helping when they tell Cynthia that they were depressed for a full year after their kids went off on their own. Cynthia sends everyone home and calls NeNe for advice. NeNe’s advice is, “Cynthia, now listen. She has to go,” which is really all anyone needs to say about the matter. Cynthia says that Noelle sometimes forgets to turn the shower off so I’m sure going to college seems extra daunting. We have to wait a little bit before Leon comes on the scene and gives some tough love.
Kandi sits down with Mama Joyce to resolve a storyline that’s been dangling since the reunion (two reunions ago? I need a Kandi hairstyle historian to help me date that clip). Mama Joyce said that Kandi took Todd and turned lemons into lemonade. Kandi and Todd have every right to be mad but when everyone keeps going “you called him a lemon,” at first, I thought it was a reference to a car, which would make me REALLY MAD. Mama Joyce launches into some Eva-style spinning and says that she was the lemon tree and Kandi is also a lemon and Todd is the sweetest lemon. When two lemons get together, then it’s lemonade, but now they’re both lemon trees.
C’mon, stop asking Mama Joyce questions. She doesn’t like your husband and she’s kind of an emotional supervillain. Let her just hate him in peace. They’re never gonna be friends. Kandi forces Mama Joyce to apologize and Todd slightly accepts her apology and says that they might be having two more babies. Mama Joyce just says, “Girls are difficult.” See? Emotional villainy.
Shamari sits down with her mom in the backyard. Her mom looks like an Octavia Spencer character if Octavia Spencer exclusively appeared in Lifetime TV movies. This whole segment just feels like a background segment about Shamari’s life. Is this a time-sensitive conversation that had to happen that day? No. Did the conversation relate to anything else going on in Shamari’s life? No. Did they need to give Shamari something to do this episode? Oh, definitely. Shamari and Fauxtavia Spencer are just out there trying their best. Bless them.
Someone else without a whole lot to do this week is Eva. She’s trying on wedding dresses and has decided to bring NeNe along to make up for not having invited her to her bachelorette party. NeNe has decided to punish Eva by bringing Marlo. This is a fun punishment for me. Also, in her new interview look, Eva has way too many individual lashes on her bottom eyelids. There isn’t a 301 lash safe in the Atlanta area. (I blame Aja and Naomi Smalls.) NeNe is looking for a more glitz-and-glam look that she describes as “Titty City,” which is the name of my memoir and the theme of my wedding. Eva is looking for an angelic look and Marlo is looking for Eva to lose ten pounds. GAZE UPON MARLO AND DESPAIR BECAUSE THERE WERE NO MORE FUCKS TO GIVE.
Finally, it’s time for Cynthia to drop Noelle off at college. Somehow, Noelle’s roommate dropped out and she’s got a single. This girl is living the freshman year dream. She did her pinning ceremony, she refused to lift a single box, and she’s officially a bison. Cynthia and Noelle head out to dinner with Leon.
Guys, Cynthia didn’t know what chicken fried steak was. She thought she was ordering “steak fried chicken.” How do you steak fry something? So when the chicken fried steak arrived and it was clearly steak, what did she think? I’ll tell you what she thought, America, she thought it was chicken. I love Cynthia. I also looooooooooove Leon and I’ll say it every time he’s on-screen. He looks amazing, he seems like he’s giving out the right amount of tough love while still supporting Cynthia, and he’s still got some dynamite chemistry with her.
Noelle is still freaking out but Cynthia and Leon are encouraging her and they’re both proud of her. Leon tells both of them that while it’s sad that Noelle is growing up, it’s an accomplishment. Noelle thinks they’re going to come with her to her dorm and tuck her in. Cynthia is ready to jump in that Uber but Leon sets a healthy boundary. Noelle leans out to the window to pull them in and we get a little montage of Noelle growing up.
Cue “Mama” by the Spice Girls.
